Friday, December 09, 2005

News For the Month of December

Hi. I'm Priscilla. I'm Candices bff. That's right I've spent many a night writing her civil war letters, making smoothies and quesidillas and watching MST3k while having a beer. I am very honored that she allowed me to submit some of my news stories to her infamous blog. I hope you find them good. Everything I write is true.

Here are some current headlines:

Abercrombie and Fitch to Make Models get Tattood'd





In recent news, Abercrombie has decided to create a more 'vintage appeal' to go with 2006's new line of, "dirty like a slave" collection. Models of course cannot be Black or Hispanic, or Chinese, but will however be forced into getting permanent tattoos of a dirty appearence. CEO of Abercrombie says he thinks this will make a lasting impression in society by "bringing back the old American look, to live the new American Dream". The top models of course will be getting special treament and at no additonal cost will be getting actual fabric numbers swen into their backs. To go with their new line, they need something really fucking hip, each shirt will come with Dave Matthews Band lyrics embrioded inside using 100% lycra and 85% spandex. The models claimed " as long as we keeping getting weed in return of standing in really strong poses when waves are crashing at our feet, we will do whatever it takes to make Abercombie a fashion staple in todays society. "



Before
....




After. Clearly an improvement.


Actress Jena Malone (Donnie Darko, United States of Leland) Is Really A Toungeless Sea Serpant.




clearly no tounge.


I knew there had to be something up when every role I have seen of this actress makes her sound like a fourteen year old boy with a retainer in trying to tell some girl he loves her. I was right! But how right?! My accusastions of Jena actually being a monster with no 'strongest muscle' in the body were DEAD ON! When I called her on it in at the red carpet premiere of some shitty movie she turned into a giant greenish flesh sack with scales and with a deep voice said something along the lines of, " I jusd wanted to be loved, itd so hard for me to be a schea scheaperent, i thoudt id make my family proud." and then she cried like a bitch. Holding her scaley appenendged in tow, she made out like Alec Mac and dissolved into a puddle of silverish water never to be seen again.



Florida New State Motto: Where Incompetency Thrives






We asked several persons at several gas stations what this new motto meant to them, their blank stares and "I donknows" told us Florida has finally made a good choice.



Virginia Angry At Hotel Bible Theif



Reports have been coming in that several men with curly hair, a naisly voice, and overlylarge noses have been raiding local motels at knife point demanding keys and stealing all the bibles replacing them with strange potato patties that authorities believe to be "some foreign like dish that must be from some foreign place." The suspects also reportidly had a schmitvah when "Georgie (one of the robbers) dropped several pennies. Cheif Depty Richard Brinkly said, " We think we have the main suspects." Later showing a picture of the Hamburglar.


This photo was submitted by a witness who happened to be drawing a charicature in the parking lot of the event.




Vattican to Introduce Innovative Bible Belt






The new "Bible Belt" was introduced by Italian designers and devout catholics in order to make religion a little more portable. Even more comfortable to carry than the pocket bible. Cardinal Thomas Aquanis stated, "not only is it a traditional form of praise, and very durable and light, it is EXTREMLEY easy to take off little boys."

The Christian Home Shopping Network reported the device as selling out within three seconds to ONE person, with the initials M.J.




Well it certainly has been a busy week in the world of news, please stay tuned for more truth.

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