Monday, February 28, 2005

Today: Mostly Oscar Aftermath.

-Pitt and Aniston confuse gossip columnists; the world, by showing up at Oscar parties together. What's next, they move in with each other?
-The Monday Numbers:
1. Diary of a Mad Black Woman $22.7M total: $22.7M
2. Hitch $21M total: $122M
3. Constantine $11.8M total: $50.8M
4. Cursed $9.56M total: $9.56M
5. Man of the House $9M total: $9M
6. Million Dollar Baby $7.22M total: $64.7M
7. Because of Winn-Dixie $6.75M total: $22.2M
8. Are We There Yet? $4M total: $76.4M
9. The Aviator $3.88M total: $93.8M
10. Son of the Mask $3.77m total: $14M
-While the rest of us were watching Million Dollar Baby win everything possible and Chris Rock make awkward, censored jokes, Jesus was busy winning some Christian Oscars. Man, that Lord sure can act!
-Despite the incredible overall black hole of boredom the Oscars turned out to be last night, Chris Rock's charm managed to make the numbers move, and this years' Oscars were the highest rated in five years. Or perhaps it was just because everyone wanted to tune in to watch Hilary Swank get her Oscar and then pretend like she's never won one before by mentioning how she grew up in a trailer park and looks like a boy. Wait, she didn't really say that last part, although perhaps her speech would've felt a little more heartfelt if she's played up that angle. Her speech became even more awesome when she (didn't shut up!) waved away the orchestra (I'm fairly certain she was the only person to even have the honor of getting delicately told to get the hell off stage this year) in order to totally gush over her agent many times worse than she has ever done for her husband. Yes, I'm quite sure the people of America tuned in just for that.
-Re: Adam Duritz and his Sideshow Bob haircut homage: I think this is the most accurate comparison I've seen. PS. Are the Counting Crows over yet? Please?
-Upset that your movie got totally shafted last night? Well, I know just the thing to cheer you up, John Stamos is coming back to ABC! Slowly, all my dreams will come true.
-Will Smith, apparently not having anything better to do (like sit on the couch eating potato chips and watching reruns of I Love the 80s like everyone else) set a new record. For what? You might be asking (in between mouthfuls of potato chips, of course) for attending the most premieres in one day! Wow, Will! Because the British were totally excited for you to show up at all three premieres of Hitch. Which, if you noticed above, totally got its ass handed to it by a movie I've never even heard of.
-It seems as though Jessica Simpson has taken a page out of Lindsay Lohan's diary (I presume it was this one): "Dear Journal,
I have come up with the perfect plan to keep people from calling me pale. (Because, Ugh! So gross!)
Step 1. Apply self-tanner. Wait 5 mins.
Step 2-14. repeat Step 1
Step 15. apply the lightest lipstick ever.
It seriously works! Maybe I should send this tip into, like, Cosmo or something.
Love, Lindsay"

Friday, February 25, 2005

Today: When All Else Fails, Sue.

- The Lohan Saga continues. Lindsay's mother attempted to get a gag order against her husband yesterday. I suppose that was in response to the "Lohan Reality Television Show" idea.
-The sex tape you never asked for: Fred Durst's. Please, only click this link if you are one of the zero people interested in seeing Durst's 'O' face.
-So, the rumors were party true. Yes, Marcia Cross is on the cover of The Advocate. But no, she's not gay. Which gave the pressed-for-time content editors something to fill four or five pages with.
-It's time for todays obligatory marriage is on the rocks speculation, Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin.
-Speaking of marriage, more thoughts on Ashton Kutchers inevitable proposal to his mother/girlfriend, Demi Moore.
-The Michael Jackson circus continues. A woman who had been in the same hospital when Jackson was brought in with "flu-like symptoms" and was made to move rooms died, and her family is suing.
-Jennifer Love Hewitt, realizing she is losing her grip on the slippery edge of stardom, takes the plunge and poses for Maxim.
-Hipsters? Meet your newest enemy- Hilary Duff. I mean, she was probably already on the top ten list, but now she's soiling your clubs with her Lizzie McGuire-esque prescense.

Thursday, February 24, 2005

Today: Naked Pictures of Famous People.

-When even the fans are snarking on Mama Lynne Spears' latest letter, you know things are bad.
-Star magazine is running out of headlines to make up, so they're creating top 10 lists instead. 10 Things You Didn't Know About Hilary Swank (And Probably Didn't Want To) Well, they didn't make all of them up, but they're hoping you won't notice that.
-Since when does Nicky Hilton need to gold dig?
-Demi Moore is set to pull the OC out of its fabled sophomore slump by playing Summer's drug-addled step-mom. I'll be watching! (No, really, I will.)
-Jack Osbourne's jewelry stolen , and not even his father cares.
-Unfortunately there will be just a little bit less to snark on Sunday night, because Britney Spears and Paris Hilton have been banned from the Oscars.
-What would possibly be more awesome and necessary on this earth than a Lindsay Lohan reality show?
-Jennifer Lopez needs to catch up on her news. It took her seven months to publicly admit that she married a zombie.
-Viggo Mortenson's new look is apparently the plumber who used to live down the street from me.
-Popular opinion says that Tori Spelling is officially "busted". I'd like to think her eyes are slowly drifting apart, towards her ears, much like errant continents.
-Want to know what Keanu had for lunch today? I'm thinking Coke and white chocolate chips.

Wednesday, February 23, 2005

Today: A Galaxy Of Trouble.

-Since the Grammy preshow was down 40% from the Joan Rivers & Co. Fossil Expedition of yesteryear, the Oscars are Star Jones' last shot to close her trap, put on something that fits, and tell her husband to wait in the car while she asks what people are wearing and who they think will win. That is, if Star doesn't drool all over everyone first.
- This is the reason Russell Crowe is a pompous actor, and not an asshole eighth grade algebra teacher.
-Sidehacking Continued: Paris Speaks. It's really upsetting to her, and a total conincidence that this happened after the wake of her minimal press birthday bash and the release of her movie trailer. Yes, Paris. Why does all the bad stuff keep happening to you?
-The Beckhams clearly have a hard time staying out of the headlines. A few days ago, they had their third son, Cruz. Now they're reportedly launching their own line of fragrances.
-Kelly Osbourne to shit herself.
-Speaking of the Osbournes, A blow-up doll & a wax figurine pose for pictures. (via spencer)
-Moby says what we were all thinking, and writes a song out of it.
-The rumors surrounding Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey's 15 minute marriage swirl yet again; Jessica reportedly put their marriage on "probation".
-Again With Sidehacking: It seems that the reason Paris was hacked is because she uses Tinkerbell's name as the security feature to change her password. I wonder what word she will choose now that she's been sidehacked. Probably something like 'Hilton' or maybe 'Nicky'. She's a thinker, that Paris.
-Oh shit. Britney is going to be really jealous that Pink is pregnant before she is. Sorry, no, her boyfriend isn't Corey "I Wear My Sunglasses At Night" Hart, its Carey " MotoCross is X-Treme" Hart.
-Trial of the Century Update: It's time to meet your All-Star Jury Team! They include " a woman who said her grandson was required to register as a sexual offender because of a crime; a woman who said she was related to the pilot of Flight 93, one of the planes that went down on Sept. 11; a 20-year-old man who likes "The Simpsons" TV show; and a man who is interested in Western art and country music." Wow! This is going to be great!
-God, I love the internet. What should MJ wear to court today?

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

Today: Much Ado About Michael.

-Chris Rock clarifies his comment about only gays watching the Oscars. What he really meant to say was "I don't really want to host this again next year."
-Marlon Brando: A Legacy of Trendsetting Apparently an interview from back in 1993 with French cooks of MJs, Brando was the only guest to ever question what the hell MJ was really doing with those children. Where are you when we need you, Brando?
-More Trial of the Century News: Apparently Michael Jackson has faked sex with a child dummy. And hey, we haven't even chosen the jury yet. This can only get more squicky.
-Speaking of squicky, check out this article from the worldwide michael jackson fan club. It's truly frightening where "logic" leads some people. If MJ holds out any longer, the jury probably won't be too favorable.
-Sidehacking Update: Most of the sites are removing the phone numbers et al, but if you don't mind looking at porn ads while you laugh at the contents of Paris' phone, you can try here.
-You know its a slow news day when I'm linking to pictures from the TRL Awards on MTV. Memo to Ryan Cabrera: CUT YOUR HAIR.
-Attn: 13 Year Olds- Blink-182 on "indefinite hiatus" aka "we've broken up" , there's still hope for a reunion tour, all you malternative kids!
-Some band named Korn (I don't know, never heard of 'em)is losing their drummer to born-again Christianity. Maybe Jesus came to him in a dream and told him his band sucked.
-Sidehacking Revisited: Paris Hilton is " somewhat Courtney Love-ish" (thanks to gawker for talking to mike sandwich)


PS. It's Tuesday, so give Veronica Mars some love, okay?

Monday, February 21, 2005

Today: It's The Size Of Your Scandal That Counts.

-Sidehacking: Paris Hilton's Sidekick has been hacked. Paris Hacked has phone calls to some of her A-List phone numbers, plus t-shirts and hats to fully cash in on this hilarious debacle. Gorillamask also has her complete address book, photos, etc. Gawker has composed a lovely Paris collage from her pictures. Since Gawker updates multiple times daily (as I'm way too lazy for that) you can follow their ongoing foray into the Sidehacking debacle here.
PS- Bijou Phillips has a really classy answering machine message. (thanks spencer)
-Lindsay Lohan's dad sets such a good example, doesn't he? He was arrested on a DWI charge after crashing what was probably an expensive car the profits from Mean Girls bought him.
- The Monday Numbers:
1. Hitch $31.8M total: $90.1M
2. Constantine $30.5M total: $30.5M
3. Because of Winn-Dixie $10.8M total: $10.8M
4. Son of the Mask $7.67M total: $7.67M
5. Million Dollar Baby $7.19M total: $54.7M
6. Are We There Yet? $6.5M total: $69.5M
7. Boogeyman $5.5M total: $41.1M
8. Pooh's Heffalump Movie $4.41M total: $11.7M
9. The Aviator $4.17M total: $88.1M
10. Sideways $3.9M total: $58.1M
I declare Hitch to be the new 'Meet The Fockers', ie the latest movie that looks completely worthless and a waste of nine dollars, which will go on to make two hundred million dollars anyway. While quality films like Are We There Yet? continue to slip down the list.
- Hunter S. Thompson has committed suicide. Surprising, yes. Shocking, no.
-Elizabeth Hurley to play Scene Eater in the next Harry Potter flick. Oops, I meant Death Eater. Ha ha, easy mistake to make.
-Mary-Kate Olsen: Off The Wagon?
-Jessica Alba is, like, totally done sleeping around (in Hollywood). I'm sure her boyfriend Cash Money or Cash Millionaire or whatever his name is would be proud to hear such commitment.

Friday, February 18, 2005

Today: A Brand New Low.

-Fox Network, the kings of sinking to a new low, present celebrities without makeup.
- The Fall of the Fashion Empire: Dolce and Gabbana split. But, like, totally only romantically. We SWEAR!
- Creepy Pa Simpson is trying to explain that what he said about Jessica's boobs totally wasn't creepy. At all. No siree.
- Here is the poster for The House of Wax, the Paris Hilton vehicle that should already have an Oscar nomination.
-I'm not even sure what to say about the classy Pamela Anderson anymore, except that she should realize ironically askew trucker hats are SO OVER.
-Seriously, don't read this if you have a weak stomach. The words "Michael Jackson" and "penis" should never EVER be used in a sentence together unless you're writing a horror story.
-Digitally reducing Lindsay Lohan's breasts... Making Herbie: Reloaded safer for all of America.
-The latest theory making the rounds in the Jennifer Aniston Brad Pitt Break Up Hall of Science says that Jennifer likes to get it on with the ladies.

Not much today, as I've been in transit most of the afternoon from Hempstead NY to good old New Jersey.
Enjoy whatever it is people usually do on President's Day!

Thursday, February 17, 2005

Today: It's An Alternate Universe.

-My mistake. April didn't even have time to say no to Brad Pitt.
- The Duff Sisters take over the role of the Simpsons on a talented sister/dark haired unimportant sister ad campaign for Ice-Breakers. It's not like we would've known the difference anyway.
-Remember back when I told you when Russell Crowe was an asshat? Oh...which time? The one where he bashes DeNiro for doing the Amex commecial and George Clooney for suit ads in Spain. Well, George was glad to hear it. He pretty much takes care of the snark for me.
-Depending what you hear, either Michael Jackson "left" or "escaped" from the hospital after being sent there with the "flu". (link via defamer, because they have pretty pictures.)
- Goodbye Childhood Memories: WB television has bastardized Looney Tunes- Sorry. I mean "Loonatics". Indeed.
- Britney Spears isn't too happy. Apparently she's really "disturbed [y'all]" by the honeymoon pictures that have been plastered around the internet. But I'm sure she has no problem with the (literally!) millions of other photos of her with zit cream smeared on her face, grabbing K.Fed's crotch, and other, more embarrassing photos.
- Kevin Federline has chosen Michael Bolton to produce his upcoming rap album. Does he realize that this isn't that dorky guy from Office Space? This is the man who sings "When A Man Loves A Woman". I cannot wait to hear this album.
- Apparently Paris Hilton is punk rawk enough to be allowed in the presence of Avril "I Made Ties A Trend, Who's The Idiot Here?" Lavigne. I agree with the sentiment that "Avril looks like a corpse." a PUNK RAWK corpse, that is.

Wednesday, February 16, 2005

Today: Trashtastic Is My New Favorite Word.

-Crazy model April Florio says no to Brad Pitt. Has she not gotten the memo about the Split?
- Paparazzi are on top of Demi Moore and Ashton Kutchers Mexican getaway on the chance that they might get married. But more likely they'll just come back home with really tacky souveniers that will show up in the back pages of US Weekly.
- Jessica Simpson is running out of things to do now that her marriage is crumbling around her; goes to court over exercise video.
-Today's Top Headine: Kid Rock arrested at a strip club, over the music. the News Channel 5 article also contains a hilariously appropriate picture of Mr. Rock.
-From the mouth of K.Fed, Motherfuckers: Stereogum was kind enough to transcribe the pertinent portions of the Details interview with Cletus, although Britney busts in about halfway through with that cracker barrel potty mouth of hers. Somehow, you can just feel the white trash ooze off of the words. I tell you, that's one special couple.
-Pretty much everyone on the planet is talking about the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy trailer, which is now available for your viewing pleasure.
-Trashtastic: Britney's honeymoon photographs. Doesn't look like much of a honeymoon to me, though. Where are the Cheetos?
-Want to feel fat (or already do)? Check out the Hollywood Skinny. Hooray! Mary Kate gained ten pounds in less than a year! I probably gained ten pouds just this week.
- Stuntmen lobby for an Oscar spot, because they risk their lives so we can watch crap like Hitch.
- Jackson well enough to wave his hand from the hospital, so I guess that "flu" (aka "his nose fell off") isn't keeping him bed-ridden.
-ONTD tidbits: Madonna is totally not technologically challenged, because she converts people to Kabbalah by e-mail. Paris Hilton: not a slut. Brad Pitt throws a 36th birthday party for that chick he was seeing for a while, Jen-something. I can't really remember her name.
- Jennifer Lopez cancels her European tour. Perhaps she has the "flu"? Because clearly, the flu is the new black this season.
- Dave Chappelle has writers block, probably from smoking too way much weed.

Tuesday, February 15, 2005

Today: A Whole Lotta Lohan

- Michael Jackson is taken to the hospital for "exhaustion", apparently because the stress of...sitting in a courtroom was really getting to him. Okay. Or perhaps he was just overwhelmed with the amount of starpower shining from his celebrity defense roster:
The totally A-List and relevant superstars include, Liz Taylor, Kobe Bryant, Jay Leno, Stevie Wonder, Diana Ross, Quincy Jones, Nick and Aaron Carter, Barry Gibb, Larry King, Ed Bradley, Maury Povich, Deepak Chopra. Wow. After hearing all those names mentioned at once, I'd probably have to be hospitalized (with the "flu") too.
- Star Jones makes gossip fun again! She RSVPed to two different Grammy parties, neither of which she'd been invited to, and still didn't get in. Honey, it doesn't matter how much liposuction you have or how gay your husband is, you'll be D-List.
-The Daily Dish (bottom of the page): Ashley Olsen rounds up her man-eating lawyers to take on The National Enquirer over a piece that reported she was "caught in a drug scandal". Because all of us really need to read the Inquirer to believe that.
- Page sixsixsix makes some serious steps forward in getting substantial proof that Clay Aiken slept with a male porn star.
- Defamer presents its very own Lindsay Lohan doll!
-And you know when New Orleans has had enough of you, you've got a real problem. The Times- Picayune reports that La Lohan is making many lives miserable.
- Ashlee Simpson is picking up Lindsay Lohans leftovers She's been spotted with Wilmer Valderrama, which is interesting considering he usually likes them young, illegal, and somewhat talented.

PS. It's Tuesday, you know the drill. Watch Veronica Mars.

Monday, February 14, 2005

Today: Totally Phoning It In.

- Those of you who read Britney's latest Letter of Truth know that she totally dissed Paris' dog Tinkerbell. because apparently Britney isn't getting enough publicity on her own and needs to drag tiny chihuahuas into things.
-The Monday Numbers:
1. Hitch $45.3M total: $45.3M
2. Boogeyman $10.8M total: $33.3M
3. Are We There Yet? $8.5M total: $61.5M
4. Million Dollar Baby $7.58M total: $45.1M
5. Pooh's Heffalump Movie $6.01M total: $6.01M
6. The Wedding Date $5.6M total: $19.5M
7. Hide and Seek $5.55M total: $43.6M
8. Sideways $4.75M total: $53.1M
9. The Aviator $4.64M total: $82.3M
10. Meet The Fockers $3.4M total: $270M
I'm really pissed off that Pooh's Heffalump movie didn't do better.
- Chris Rock jokes that no straight black man watches the Oscars, and while he's probably right, Drudge still gets all pissy about it.
-So, how about those Grammys, huh? Ray Charles won a shitload, too many musicians played at once, and I think Usher maybe won something. Green Day? Yeah, they were on stage too. Yes, I did fall asleep.
-For those of you were asleep or dead over the weekend, Christina Aguilera is getting married to boyfriend Jordan Bratman.
-Are you guy ready for the most wooden movie ever? Well, here it is. Decameron, with Hayden Christensen and Mischa Barton. The only way the acting could get any worse was if they threw in Keanu Reeves.
- 7th Heaven gets renewed for yet another season, allowing the show to run out of feasible plotlines and stick to marrying everyone off and getting them pregnant.
- At least she keeps them both inside her bikini this time...Tara Reid, drunk on a beach. Isn't fame awesome?
- Apparently not many people were interested in a horrible rendition of Across The Universe or Usher winning every award, ever.

Friday, February 11, 2005

Today: It's Not All About The Benjamins, Baby.

-There is only one word that comes to mind when I think of Britney Spears and Kevin Federline's marriage. And that word is: tasteful. To help illustrate, gawker provides some pictures so you can feel like you were really there, wearing the embroidered "Pimp" groomsmen suits and all. Aw look, the bridesmaid dresses are the same color as the roses! That's so classy!
-In more somber news, Arthur Miller has passed away. Milions of headlings everywhere will, predictably, read "Death of a Playwright".
- Julia Roberts pimps her children out to People magazine.
-Apparently, Sean Connery believes he has artistic integrity, because he walks away from a $17.5 million paycheck, yet he still made LXG.
-Cameramen and producers for VH1's "Strange Love" are totally kicking themselves right now. While Bridgette suffered an asthma attack, Flava ran through traffic to flag down an ambulance. Don't worry VH1, I'm sure someone snapped pictures with their cameraphone!
-Hold off on your e-mail and salty tears, disgruntled ArrDev fans, Fox has something to say. It's not getting cancelled, just yet. At least, not until American Dad stops sucking.
- GM Recalls 193,000 vehicles, including Hummers, because...they might crash. Men will have to find another way to make up for their penis size.
-Lindsay Lohan back in hospital for "bronchitis". Although yesterday it was the flu. And tomorrow it will be exhaustion. Again.
-OMG Y'all! It's another Letter of Truth: Part IV or Maybe V (I can't read Roman numerals, y'all!). It's the usual spewing of delusional insights and horrible grammar. Enjoy, y'all.
-Jerry Bruckheimer dangles the treat of big explosions over the heads of blockbuster directors in order to get them to film for the small screen. (via variety)
- Cameron Diaz attempts to outrun the paparazzi and scrapes her car up in the process (as told by a reader to gawker). Then, Cameron attempts to outrun them on foot. Are we sure she isn't filming the sequel Paparazzi 2: Camera Snatching Boogaloo?


PS. Happy Birthday Shana, you celeb obsessed silly whore.

Thursday, February 10, 2005

Today: Jesus Died For Your Profits.

-Paris Hilton to play the Jeannie in a Bottle on a television show, with scripts, and actors!
- Russel Crowe says what we were all thinking about that stupid DeNiro Amex commecial, except that he's kind of an asshole about it.
-Also on Page Six, we learn that Britney Spears clearly married Cletus for his brains, as K. Fed talks to "Access Hollywood". Well, you know what they say. A couple that plays house together, stays together.
- Lindsay Lohan and 'Just My Luck' co-star Samaire Armstrong were totally just "sharing a stall" because "the line was, like, so long". And no, by 'line', they do NOT mean cocaine.
-David Cross was on Jimmy Kimmel last night, and apparently he reads defamer, because he says that he "found out on the internet" about the shuffle and subsequent few episodes worth of his show (see yesterday's update). He then goes on to suggest that maybe Fox should replace his show with America's Cutest Retards David, don't worry. I'm sure that one was already on the list.
-I hope you haven't been eating recently. Drew Barrymore parades her unsightly armpits, which were obviously not on the list of things to clean up after breaking up with Fabrizio Moretti.
-Scorcese and DiCaprio are going three for three; The Aviator, the in-production The Departed, and the upcoming Drunken Angel.
- For the three Minuteman fans out there (besides me, that is) Watch the We Jam Econo trailer and wish that D. Boon was still alive. (thanks spencer)
-Mel Gibson is getting antsy because he's not making enough money off of The Passion as he'd like, so he's cutting some gory shit out of it and re-releasing it in theaters. Even though the original version made almost $400 million dollars, Gibson is putting this version out so he can get at least nine bucks from every single person on the planet, including the squeamish ones.

Wednesday, February 09, 2005

Today: Well Which One Is It, Honey?

- From "Sex and the City" to "No Sex and the Suburbs". I'm sure Charlotte would approve.
- Perhaps there is a puppeteer (with a vendetta) behind Burt Reynolds' face?
-Marcia Cross' PR finally catches up with the rumors and denies that she will be posing for The Advocate, but claims that "[Marcia] is very supportive of the gay and lesbian community".Well, of course she is. We've just been wondering exactly how supportive she is. Marcia Cross was on The View today, insisting she is "happy" and "totally not saying what my publicist is telling me to say until sweeps are over".
-AD to make room for more AD Fox is shuffling around redheaded step-child Arrested Development to make room for new golden child American Dad, thereby reducing Arr's episode order. And somewhere, a letter writing campaign has begun in vain.
-American Idol: Because There's Nothing Else On Worth Watching. However, its only a matter of time before it becomes the next Who Wants to Be A Millionaire? Fox should keep in mind that anything more than three times a week might be overkill.
- (3rd item) Lindsay Lohan has been doing more than just partying in NOLA; apparently she's been hooking up with 'Jackass' star Johnny Knoxville too! Although the partying must be getting to her, because she's come down with a case of "the flu", so the "[entire set] is on antibiotics". And for those of you who love to needlessly nitpick, yes Knoxville is married, and La Lohan's "flu" (if flu isn't codeword for freebasing drugs) is viral, so the antibiotics are pretty worthless.
-While some of the minor details may be off (Married for a year? Honey, we all know it won't last that long.) ONTD gives us long-awaited insight that Britney has finally realized K-Fed. "...isn't a great help in cleaning up after the dogs. And he might not be too eager to be on midnight diaper patrol either.” Well if the mounds of BitBitShit all over their house are any indication, I'd say Britney might consider hiring a nanny once she gets knocked up. Otherwise, that house is going to REEK.
-Although Kelly Osbourne was just whining yesterday about how much she hates having grown up in the media, she certainly loves all the damn attention. Apparently the 'Life As We Know It' star has a new boyfriend, but isn't telling who. Vegas odds are on Robbie "I'm Big In England, I Swear" Williams.

Tuesday, February 08, 2005

Today: Fame And Fortune, Fancy That.

-A whole lotta bitchin'. Cameron Diaz secretly hates that she's dating a mommas boy, Kelly Osbourne hates being famous, Robbie Williams hates photographers, Sharon Osbourne hates titty-less Super Bowls, and more.
-Are you listening, Tom Green? Drew Barrymore breaks up with Strokes drummer Fabrizio Moretti on a napkin or something.
- More speculation about the life-imitating-art Desperate Housewives coming out of the closet (conveniently in time for Sweeps) frenzy.
- Fox moves Fantastic Four back a week, not even bothering to try and compete with War of the Worlds for opening on the July 4th holiday weekend. I guess I'll start planning for the barbeque after all.
- X-Men 3 to feature...more X-Men. I hope I didn't spoil anything for you.
- Owen Wilson's career depends on buddy comedies, so its no surpise he defends Ben Stiller, his partner in crime, in the current New Yorker. He comes off as much less of an asshat than Rob "I Played A Male Prostitute, Not A Fact Checker"Schneider
-Finally, Corey Feldman has something to say, and we're going to listen. 20/20s Martin Bushir has the exclusive interview this Friday @ 10 pm, so don't make any plans. Or, you know, TiVo it or something.
-Lindsay Lohan is going for a role that doesn't involve bitchy teenagers or talking cars. Hopefully working with Meryl Streep will teach her a lesson called "Working with real actresses means I can't bitch about the size of my eye on posters all the time."
- Princess Paris? My nightmare would be fully complete.
-Simpson Family Gossip Time: Nick Lachey desperately attempts to ruin his marriage; Ashlee and her huge nose do another photoshoot. Pa Simpson is spinning that PR wheel like crazy.

PS. I'm going to keep telling you to watch Veronica Mars until you actually listen.
PPS. Today's title inspired by mission of burma, because they rock.

Monday, February 07, 2005

Today: Hollywood Has A Problem

-The Monday Numbers:
1. Boogeyman $19.5M total: $19.5M
2. The Wedding Date $11M total: $11M
3. Are We There Yet $10.4M total: $5.1M
4. Hide and Seek $8.9M total: $35.7M
5. Million Dollar Baby $8.77M total: $34.7M
6. The Aviator $5.45M total: $75.9M
7. Meet the Fockers $5M total: $265M
8. Sideways $4.8M total: $46.8M
9. Racing Stripes $4.42M total: $40.5M
10. Coach Carter $4.4M total: $59.5M
Crappy horror movies have found their place in this millenia, and that place is February 2005. And I'm pretty sure we have a nother shitty horror movie to look forward to before the month is out. Hey, whatever knocks Meet the Fockers out of the Top Ten is fine by me.
- Eva Mendes will be starring opposite Nicolas Cage in an adaptation of Marvel Comics "Ghost Rider" picture. We're only about two films away from overdosing on the comic book movie genre, I think. And you know what? If Hollywood decides it wants to be irresponsible with this, then fine. Because someday soon, Hollywood is going to be rolling around on the floor convulsing after they release the fourth X-Men spinoff, Superman VS. Wolverine VS. Hellboy or something, and I will stand there and laugh. You hear me, Hollywood? LAUGH.
-The real thing is always better. A&E is launching a Crime & Investigation network, for all those hardcore fans sick of liberties taken in the thousands of CSI and Law & Order spinoffs. Variety reports "[it] will be dedicated to forensics, justice, and mystery programming." They couldn't have just taken over CourtTV?
-This Just In: Next season's network pilots to totally suck. Since when has anyone agreed that used cars and mermaids were grounds for a worthwhile sitcom? Actually, wait. When was the last time any network actually had a worthwhile sitcom?
-From the woman who didn't know she had gained weight because of elastic waistbands, comes the 14 bottle a day grape soda habit!
- Dave Grohl has stretched his fifteen minutes of fame into a full-blown half hour, which will hopefully end after his upcoming Foo Fighters double album sinks like a stone.
-Meanwhile, at the Federline residence... Britney goes all scene on us, and Cletus can't be bothered to shave, not even for a photoshoot. Not that the look is even at all surprising anymore. What would be surprising is if we saw him in cornrows, holding one of his tiny dogs, CLEAN SHAVEN and SHOWERED. (pictures via stereogum because I cant find the original links from ohnotheydidnt)
- Britney is interested in one of the homes Donald Trump is currently building. This must mean the stinkage at the current Casa Federline is too much for her to handle.

Friday, February 04, 2005

Today: Dedication Is Everything.

- Apparently Jamie Lynn reads the tabloids too. She's been going to "Disciple Now" religious retreats, probably to wash the skank of her older sister off.
-Geraldo pledges to make the ultimate sacrifice-his mustache. If Michael Jackson is found guilty, he says, Rivera will shave off his trademark caterpillar.
- James Gandolfini goes solo; which means he has more free time to make flops like "Surviving Christmas". Thanks a lot, ex-fiancee!
- Speaking of dedication...Kabbalah is turning Madonna into a cold hard bitch. Okay. Even more of a cold, hard bitch.
- This time, Paris is actually hosting SNL. We promise!
- Didn't I just yell at Hollywood, like, two days ago? About video game/movie crossovers? WHEN WILL WE LEARN, HOLLYWOOD? The worst part is, this script could be written by a third grader with Downs Syndrome, and eight million frat boy gamers (and their dorky little brothers) will go out and orgasm in the theatre anyway.
- The 21st James Bond film, Casino Royale, is moving full speed ahead- except for that minor detail about who will actually play James Bond.
- Life to imitate art. While one cast member comes out on the show, another is set to step out of the closet in real life.
- How many people would really want to buy the engagement ring of Bennifer (the original) fame? Wouldn't it seem kind of, oh I don't know, cursed?

Thursday, February 03, 2005

Today: La Lohan Upset That We Pick On Her Daddy

-Just Our Luck! La Lohan being a bitch on the set of her new movie? I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU.
-Simon Cowell over heard talking about the latest 'Idol' contestants Apparently he thought Kelly Clarkson was like, the shit, yo. And the rest were all frontin' Usher wannabes, ya heard? Maybe not in those words, though.
-Speaking of Lindsay, she must be cranky from those chronic hang-overs. La Lohan wants us to stop taking about her daddy. And she means it!
-Too bad Simon Cowell can't run for president, because the American public surely prefers his snarky bits to President Bush's repetitive mispronunciation of 'nuclear'.
-The Apprentice : Martha Stewart House Arrest Style. Even though she'll be under house arrest for the next five months, that wont stop her from making tasteful wreaths out of pine cones or telling people that they are fired.
- Oh Britney. First, you grab Cletus' dick in public. Then, you go barefoot in gas station restrooms. Now you're going topless (and honey, that is NOT a look for you. not anymore) and your hair...how should I put this? It's like a tornado and a rat's nest got into a fight on top if your head, and the tornado won. You know, I just really hope it's that funny shape because you haven't washed it in two weeks, and not because you've got Cletus Juice all up in your 'do.
-And if you believe this, I've got a bridge to sell you...Craigslist (unfortunately) took the listing down, but Defamer tells us that someone put the "real" Hollywood sign up for sale. For the unbeatable price of five dollars! What a steal!
-Remember a couple days ago, perhaps last week sometime, where I gave Pete Doherty the hilarious nick name of "mylifeisin(baby)shambles"? Well of course you do. And he seems to be taking it to heart, because he's just gotten arrested.
- I don't really know who Houston is, but I do know that he tried committing suicide, and, when that didn't work, opted to gouge his eye out, instead. Thank you for ruining my dinner, Houston.

Wednesday, February 02, 2005

Today: It's A Sad Day For Famous Movie To Video Game Crossovers

-We cannot fucking let go because, Brad and Jennifer are reportedly still living together (despite reports Aniston had moved in with her hairdresser and ALSO kicked Ali G out of her OTHER mansion. Those were all lies. LIES. [says her PR]) wearing their wedding bands, etc.
-Martha Stewart is one sneaky bitch. The Daily News is reporting that she may be conducting business over the phone, by speaking in a code that prison guards can't understand (aka proper english).
-This could get creepy. Pete "Can't Live With Her, Can't Live Without Her" Doherty won't let Kate Moss go, even though she very clearly broke up with him via text message. He has met the "woman of his dreams", someone who will firmly tell him 'no' when he wants to do another line of coke.
-Trial Style, Day II Judge Melville (Melville? I know, right? Coolest name ever!) has managed to narrow down the jury selection to about 250 people.
- Who thought this was a good idea? Video games to movies = bad. And generally, movies to video games = bad or worse. Did they not see how horrible the game Mafia did?
- Edward Furlong hearts lobsters, and he isn't afraid to say so. Those of you with his name in the death pool, I'd keep watch.
- Dude, You're Getting Gay Sex. Everyone's favorite Dell Spokesman arrested for Marijuana possession can now be seen live, on stage, getting it on! (Well, maybe not the last part)
- Her legs look like french fries. I realize there must be some irony in that statement, considering Kate Moss doesn't eat french fries, or much of anything at all.
-Toy Story 3, anyone? 2008? I'll be, like, almost dead by then!
- NBC orders a pilot, which will be executive produced by Tina Fey. In a crazy turn of events, the comedy stars Fey as a writer of a SNL-esque variety show, struggling to deal with egotistical actors, singers ripping up pictures of the Pope, as well as artists who are dealing with a bad case of acid-reflux and do a hoe-down off the set.

Tuesday, February 01, 2005

Today: Tara Reid Can't Stop Talking About What A Good Actress She Is

-The Molestation Mania begins: -Juror selection for CMJ's(Crazy Michael Jackson) trial has begun in Santa Maria, CA. And all of a sudden, approximately 10,000 CMJ fans are lookingto relocate to California.
- Pitt Splitt leaves Ali G Homeless. Hasn't this couple caused enough world-wide anguish already?
-I swear I reported this already. Orlando Bloom and Kate Bosworth (who?) split, Hobbit fans resume fantasies.
- My favorite man faced actress, Jennifer Garner, talks about looks being important. That's right, honey. Elektra bombed because of your "looks".
-90 Minutes of "Hey Ya', or Outkast makes a movie.
-We weren't the only one's to hate Kelly Osbourne's last album. She didn't like it either. She isn't "punk", you guys. DUH. She's totally 80s Dance!
- Paris Hilton Hates Girls Because They're "Backstabbers". That's the first time I've ever heard anything intelligent come out of her mouth. PS. The picture along with the article is a fine example of how someone can go overboard at the tanning salon, and also how fucked up Courtney Love is.
-Uwe Boll has made (and is continuing to make, if Bloodrayne and Hunter: The Reckoning are any indication) some crappy movies and apparently one fan is so disenchanted that he hacked into his site. "please stop making movies". My sentiments exactly, Anonymous Hacker.
-The poor kid tries so hard. Yet again, Tara Reid tries to convince people she is a worthy actress.
-Of course, we all know that Vin Diesel = comedy gold What is the duck doing in that picture?
- Win this contest and you'll get to see just how batshit crazy Gwen Stefani is in person. And maybe you'll get to pet and feed her Harajuku girls too!
-Looks like Jesus is on break right now. Pope John Paul II was hospitalized today. (We wish him well.)

Hey, you. Watch Veronica Mars tonight at nine? Okay? I know its on UPN. Just give it a shot.