Today: Last One For The Road.

-Paula Abdul, everyone's favorite barely-lucid American Idol judge, throws a fit after she learns she's being pressed with hit and run charges.
-Most of us in the media gossip industry have all but cringed and burned this rumor out of our poor brains, but Star really wants Demi Moore to be pregnant with Kutcher's demon spawn. Only time will tell, of course.
-Britney Spears has apparently forgotten she's a huge star with millions of dollars, because her summer plans include working at her dad's fast-food restaurant. I give her three hours before she either loses a finger or burns the place down.
-Lindsay Lohan prepares for a severe ass-kicking after she slams oscar winners. Apparently all they have to do is "look ugly, be naked or be a lesbian or gain weight." Yeah, they don't have to ACT or anything, Lindsay. I hope your foot tastes good.
-Denise Richards arrives home to find an official court notice at her front gate. Seems Sheen isn't willing to go without a fight. Watch out kids, this is going to get real ugly.
-T-Shirt Hell, because why make a joke, when you can wear it?
-Yasmine Bleeth, rode hard and hung out to dry.
-And as if Lindsay Lohan didn't have enough family problems, her grandmother is selling videos of her as a young kid.
-Jessica Simpson, wearing a shirt that is supposed to be funny because its ironic, but is really sad because it's true.
- Again with the Britney Spears pregnancy rumors.

I'm off to Florida on spring break. I'll be back next Friday for more delicious gossip.
Enjoy your Easter-related activities!

Today: There's Never Too Much Britney.

-I don't think its possible for Britney Spears to appear in a set of photos without her mouth being open at least once. And another set to further prove my theory. While we're on the subject, is Brit heading for another divorce? I hope not, since my bet was on two years. Although the fact that he totally threw away the birthday decorations she got for him doesn't good. Latest speculation is that marriage problems are stemming from Britney's eating habits. She gained a whole EIGHT POUNDS from chowing down on her mom's home cooking when she went back to Kentwood earlier this year. Gosh, eight pounds. What a heffer.
-If Mary-Kate Olsen is a fashion icon, then I'm Elvis' daughter.
-If you're in the market for a new diet, here's an idea. Read the latest on Michael Jackson and his shrine to Macaulay Culkin, and his stash of creepy porn magazines. You probably won't be able to eat for a week.
-I think Russell Crowe is trying to say that his band is breaking up, but its kind of hard to tell because he doesn't seem to be able to write a coherent sentence. Stick to acting, dude.

Today: Short And Not So Sweet.

-Freddie Prinze Jr. needed to get out of the house so badly that he mistakenly signed up for a pilot with Brian Austin Greene for ABC.
-Jennifer Aniston gives the press a swift kick in the ass, telling them to shut up about her and Brad Pitt.
-Now available, the Mary-Kate and Ashley shag collection. No, I mean area rugs, silly.
-These lyrics may or may not be from Will Smith's new album, also known as The Worst Thing I've Ever Read. If you want another good laugh, have a look at the cover art which clearly took ten minutes in photoshop.
-The least essential DVD collection ever: Pimp My Ride.

Today: Here's One For You, Horror Movie Fans.

-Al Reynolds has "left" his job at Merrill Lynch, presumably to spend more time at home listening to Star bitch about he View co-hosts. I give it a month until it comes out of the closet.
-Thomas Hayden Church will be portraying the next for Spiderman to fight, although Sam Raimi refuses to announce just who Church will be playing.
-Ben Affleck figures that if he directs a movie maybe someone will forget he's involved and actually go see it.
-Fox orders a third season of the OC, so my Seth Cohen
fantasies will continue uninterrupted at least until next May.
-George Romero is working on a new zombie flick. I predict this one to be called "Afternoon of the Dead" or maybe even "Late Evening of the Dead".
-In more horror movie news, Robert Englund attempts to convince Jamie Curtis to flim another Halloween movie. Englund is hoping to team up with Michael Myers and beat the shit out of Curtis for making "Freaky Friday".

Today: Unsubstantiated Rumors are Good Enough for Me to Base My Life Upon.

- Adam Duritz accosts Mary-Kate Olsen, and now she has a viable excuse for spending the rest of her life in rehab. There are a lot of freaks out there Mary-Kate honey, and yes, some of them have banged famous people. It's a strange world.
-The Monday Numbers:
1. The Ring Two $36M total: $36M
2.. Robots $21.8M total: $66.9M
3. The Pacifier $12.5M total: $72.3M
4. Ice Princess $7.01M total $7.01M
5. Hitch $6.6M total: $159M
6. Be Cool $5.8M total: $47.2M
7. Hostage $5.8M total: $19.3M
8. Million Dollar Baby $4.0M total: $90M
9. Diary of a Mad Black Woman $3.5M total: $47.8M
10. Constantine $2.3M total: $70.4M
Here we are, completely unsurprised by The Ring Two's sweep at the movies this weekend. It was a certifiable bankroll, yet somehow its numbers still seem disappointing. Although as long as it breaks even with Constantine, it will still be a winner in my book.
-Pat O'Brien has checked himself into rehab for an alcohol problem. Maybe he started hitting the bottle after reading this article on defamer.
-Well, this just made my day. As if the first one wasn't good enough, now there are plans for a Butterfly Effect 2 : Electric Boogaloo. Only this time the movie might actually be good, because there will be no taint of Ashton Kutcher. So, there go such classic lines as "But MooooOOOOooom, I NEED those books!". A real shame.
-Fametracker kicks off a quirky new feature, Celebrity Vs. Thing, because they really want to strech a metaphor about bagels and Catherine Zeta-Jones and get me to care.
-Kirsten Dunst and Jake Gyllenhaal are so private that no one even knew they were back together again. It was all a sham to fool the reporters. Wow, you've got to feel pretty stupid when tha couple pulls the wool over your eyes.
-As if the disappointing reviews of The Ring Two aren't enough to break my spirit, there are talks of an American trilogy. And as with 90% of the trilogies we know, Ring number Three would probably be a prequel. Oh, the excitement. Watch it drain out of my body.
-No, this isn't last week. Michael Jackson actually showed up late to court again. This time, he actually pretended he was in pain, but ditched the pajama pants look. I am just waiting for Judge Melville to bag his ass.
-According to an unnamed source from my archaeology class who went to school with Lindsay Lohan, she is certifiably the "biggest bitch ever" and "her boobs are totally fake". I just wanted to clear up those rumors for everyone.

PS. Thanks to the band Against Me! for today's title. I'll be getting killed in their mosh pit in only nine days!

Today: Karma's A Bitch.

-CBS is looking to make (even more) money off of Martha Stewart, courtesy of a biopic.
-Paris Hilton is one tough bitch. She wants Paris (her boyfriend, remember?) to remove his tattoo of his ex-girlfriend, or he can kiss Paris' ass goodbye.
-I am sure it will come as a complete shock to those of you following the Lohan Clan that Michael Lohan was arrested and charged with DWI. Somehow he managed to stumble out of the car before it went up in flames, similar to his life presently.
-Hopefully all that voting did some good. E! Online's 'Save One Show' Poll results were announced, and Veronica Mars totally kicked major network ass, taking in 56% of the vote.
-You remember way back when I told you Christina Aguilera was bashing celebrity clothing lines, right? And then we were totally by the fact that she was getting her own clothing line? Well it seems like her karma has caught up to her, because her clothing line has been axed.
-Hey comic book nerds, more news for you today. Parker Posey is going to be playing Kitty Koslowski in your much-anticipated Bryan Singer-helmed Superman project.
-This is probably the funniest thing that I've read all day. There goes the neighborhood, Mulder.

Today: More Proof That The French Hate Everyone.

-Julia Stiles gets her way and will be starring in her very own adaptation of Sylvia Plath's novel, the Bell Jar. So now you all know, when Stiles wants something, she will throw a big hissy fit to get her way.
-Brittany Murphy totally denies doing coke. She's, like, just naturally skinny and high-strung. Duh! She's never even SEEN cocaine!
-Defamer has an interesting piece on Simpsons creator Sam Simon, who was on Howard Stern talking about the episode written for Michael Jackson. He remembers that CMJ wanted a script change so that "his character could spend more time with Bart". As if that wasn't creepy enough, Simon also mentions that someone gave CMJ a Bart Simpson doll, and Jackson would kiss it.
-What kind of world are we living in where no one bids on Mary Kate Olsen's thong? For the small price of fifteen dollars, you too can be one step closer to a registered a sex offender for having an Olsen twin's underwear to sniff.
-Molly Shannon finally spits out her second spawn, Nolan Shannon Chestnut. Well, with a name like that, he's sure to keep bullies away. Well, unless those bullies are afraid of really Irish people.
-The Gap ditches Sarah Jessica Parker in favor of Joss Stone for their latest ad campaign. As long as she isn't badly covering rock songs in the commercials (I can never forgive her for the mess she made of "Fell In Love With A Girl") I guess I don't have a problem with it.
-Coming to a theatre near you: Kelly Osbourne as Wednesday Addams.
-Hey comic book nerd, don't worry. I've got a little something for you too. Seems that Joss Whedon, creator of the infamous Buffy the Vampire Slayer Universe has been signed to write and direct a live action version of "Wonder Woman" for Warner Bros.
- This is just laden with the schaden. Julie Delphy is basically accusing Beyonce of totally raping the French language. I love it.

Today: There's Always Someone Watching. Or Listening.

-Yeah, Lindsay Lohan was totally sober when this happened. Just My Luck, eh? Oh, I crack myself up!
-Demi Moore's publicist, afraid to even touch the idea of a Moore-Kutcher demon love child, denies the rumors to keep his piece of mind.
-Apparently Hilary Swank can't pony up $150, because she's been fined for not declaring fruit in her luggage and is making a big enough fuss about it for me to report it.
-My new favorite indulgence: Dan's (from RW/RR Inferno II) blog
-Gawker got the exclusive transcript of Jay Leno and CMJ's accuser. And there Leno goes, screwing up everything, say the kid sounded " rehearsed". I'm not sure that you're really one to be calling people "rehearsed", Mr. King of Late Night.
-For the none of you that care, pictures of Alyson Hannigan enjoying herself and walking with some guy who isn't her husband.
-Okay, so like guys? We're totally going to get the real truth on wether or not Ashton knocked up Demi Moore (10th item down) when he goes on TRL! OMG maybe he's like totally PUNKING us???

Today: Sweet Sweet Schadenfreude.

-Star magazine totally wants us to believe that Demi Moore is pregnant with Ashton Kutcher's demonic love child, but I'm gong to remain skeptical for the sake of my sanity.
- Pictures of Nicole Richie giving directions to some guy in a Porsche are being horribly misconstrued into other, less noble possibilities. She's, like, totally a prostitute, guys. That Simple Life show just isn't bringing in the cash.
-Showtime, under the guise that people are actually watching Fat Actress, decide to rush the first season out on DVD. And yet I have a hard time finding volume four of Mystery Science Theatre 3000. What is wrong with this world?
-Haven't you heard that small chihuahuas are all the rage? You have? Well now you can be the most popular kid on your block with the animated "Tinkerbell & BitBit talk on the phone about their respective owners" livejournal icon!
-Hey, you remember Bijou Phillips, right? She's that crazy bitch who is dating one of the clams from That 70's Show. She also enjoys a good nip slip and walks on the beach late at night.
-Salma Hayek is looking to pull a Charlize Theron because that, along with playing a/looking like a boy, (Yes, I'm looking at you, Swank) is the only way to Oscar glory.
-The sweet sweet irony in all of this is that Christina said only a week or so ago how tacky it is that every celebrity has their own clothing line. And I totally wrote about it here.

Today: Pieces of Britney

-Pete Doherty and Kate Moss are now engaged. I don't know whether this means more or less rumors about them breaking up every ten minutes.
- Sigh. Britney, just shut up already, would you? How can you possibly be upset when a magazine prints things YOU TOLD THEM?
-The Monday Numbers:
1. Robots $36.5M total $36.5M
2. The Pacifier $18.1M total: $54.4M
3. Be Cool $10.3M total: $38.4M
4. Hostage $9.84M total: $9.84M
5. Hitch $8.7M total: $150M
6. Million Dollar Baby $5.08M total: $84M
7. Diary of a Mad Black Woman $5M total: $44.1M
8. Constantine $3.65M total: $66.3M
9. Man of the House $1.8M total: $16.6M
10. Cursed $1.56M total: $17.8M
-Some dude from Maroon Five tells Creed to suck it, about a year too late.
-I cannot help but laugh at the notion of Tom Cruise and Usher starring in a movie together.
-Ashlee Simpson: now available for bat mitzvahs!
-UPN, no stranger to picking up major network's sloppy seconds, is going to air a comedy based on Chris Rock's life.
-Britney Spears is master of the hair extention. Oh, also? She feels bad for Michael Jackson. Hmm...a person who grew up in the spotlight without any idea about how the real world works feeling bad for another person who grew up in the spotlight without any idea about how the real world works? That's just crazy.

Today: Career Suicide?

-Yeah, so remember yesterday when I told you guys that Bruce Willis was caught groping Lindsay Lohan? Well it turns out that was totally wrong because the witness was one letter off with Lohan's ass tattoo. So much for reliable sources!
-Imagine Teri Hatcher. Okay, now picture her looking high and perhaps like her mother, and you've got Teri circa five days ago.
- Fametracker closed its forums this morning, but hey, please don't leave! We audited Kevin Coster, isn't that great? Kevin Who? Yes! That's exactly what we wrote! See, now you have to read it. Please stay and read our other wordy, unentertaining "articles". Please?
-Avril Lavigne's latest video features her with both angel wings and devil horns. Oh Avril, thats so punk rock!
-Even though there's a gag order that initially kept Jay Leno from making CEMJ jokes, it looks like Leno is now free to be as unfunny as he wants. Maybe Judge Melville is a fan.
-Even Jon Heder is getting sick of hearing people quoting Napoleon Dynamite. Memo to every single college freshman alive: SHUT UP.
-It all comes crashing down for Britney Spears and her clean, completely trashtastic-free fantasy life, as K.Fed's ex tells press that he "smells". Wow, you know, I never would have guessed that sort of behavior from such a clean-shaven, well put together man such as himself.
-Continuing coverage on the 'Wilmer Valderrama knows his fifteen minutes are almost up, so he stirs some shit up by dating Ashlee Simpson' situation.
-CEMJ's family are "worried" that he might commit suicide is he is convicted. This is impossible for a few reasons. Firstly, Michael Jackson is no longer human (most of his body parts have been replaced with plastic) thus, he cannot truly die. Plus, he is way too much of a pussy to ever kill himself.
- Kelly, Venus, and a Camel.

Today: Y'all Are Jus' Jellus!

-Why anyone would want to fight over Wilmer Valderrama is beyond me.
-Because she clearly does not get enough love from her own dad, Lindsay Lohan was caught groping it up with Bruce Willis. Yes, that Bruce Willis. The bald, old one.
-Britney Spears is getting jealous of all the attention her husband is getting. Somehow, she thinks that "every girl in America wants her man". Fortunately for her, the majority of us are NOT blind, so don't worry Brit. We won't be all up ons that anytime soon.
-Today's Trial of the Century Update: Judge Melville issues an arrest warrant, Jackson gets treated for "severe back problems" and Jackson finally shows up, all ready for sleepy time in his pajamas! Don't you wish you were there?
-Angelina Jolie talks loudly about having sex with women, probably because everyone in the world has just about stopped caring whether she broke up Brad and Jennifer's marriage.
-Julia Stiles cries alone in the corner of her room because she was turned down for the role of Esther Greenwood in a film adaptation of The Bell Jar. Yeah, it was definitely a conspiracy, Julia. You were so, like, MEANT for that role! I'm sure Sylvia is rolling in her grave at the injustice of it all.
-Jennifer Lopez forgets all she knows about women's gestation periods by baring her stomach to dispel rumors that she's pregnant, except that, you know, if the pregnancy rumors only started two weeks ago, YOU WOULDN'T BE SHOWING.

Today: A Gentleman Always Sends Flowers

-It looks like Gawker's letter to Fred Durst really got to him, because Fred relented and sent them flowers and a note apologizing. Unfortunately, he didn't apologize for Nookie. Oh and Limp Bizkit turns nine! Isn't that adorable? Look how much they've grown!
-Did anybody know that Steve Madden was in jail? Does anyone care? Just as long as he continues making those fabulous shoes!
- This will probably be the best Friday the 13th movie ever made.
-Ashlee Simpson has had a rough year? I had no idea. But now, a paying crowd of "fans" got to listen to her whine about it. I'm sure they got what they paid for.
-After being "inspired" by the positive results from Sharon's surgery, the King of Darkness himself went out and got a nosejob. Do you hear that sound? It's thousands of Black Sabbath fans crying over their records and moldy t-shirts.
-Okay, I can admit when I don't know jackshit about stuff. For instance, I barely know who 50 Cent is, I certainly don't know who The Game is, so it is reasonable to assume that I have no idea why they are fighting or capping each others asses or whatever it is that rappers do when they get into a fight with other rappers. But today's Best Week Ever helped to explain the matter so even a a white cracker girl like myself could understand. Thanks, Best Week Ever!
-I don't know if you can believe it, but Eva Longoria was once ugly, like pretty much everyone was up until senior year when all that acne started to fade. Yeah, props to you Eva, for not making a big deal of it or anything.

Today: Divorce & DUIs: Always Good PR!

-Mostly because people don't really remember who Shannon Elizabeth is anymore, she pulls a great PR stunt and splits from her husband, who kind of looks like Xzibit, you know, if Xzibit were white and fat.
-Backstreet Boy Nick Carter lives up to his potential, getting busted for a drunk driving charge. Guaranteed, this will make a most excellent segment during his E! True Hollywood Story and/or Behind the Music.
-Celebrity gossip's most reliable source, The Sun, is reporting that Brad and Jennifer are going to give it the ole' college try. Again. With counseling. Now people, try not to get your hopes up. I know its been a rough week, what with the Sheen/Richards split, the Elizabeth/Some Guy split, and the Holmes/Klein split, but perhaps America's Favorite Couple can beat the odds once more..
-Britney Spears to appear topless in a magazine, hundreds of hours worth of overtime for photoshopping/airbrush artists to follow.
-Since Justin Timberlake signed on to play Elton John in a biopic, he is demanding revisions of the script. He wants it to include more sex and drug taking, because apparently the rest of the crew has abandoned this project and now he's directing it as well. But don't worry, this movie will never get made, Timberlake at the helm or not.
-Matthew Perry, or his anorexic twin brother? Matthew, let me tell you something. I know that since Friends ended, most of the cast members have either exploded or burnt out, but that doesn't mean you have to let yourself go like this. Just slip away quietly, into oblivion, like 90% of the other sitcom stars of yesteryear.
-If you were interested in reading fragmented poetry by Rosie O'Donnell, you are in luck, because she has joined the blogging community!

Today: Sloppy!

-The Monday Numbers:
1. The Pacifier $30.2 M total: $30.2M
2. Be Cool $23.5M total: $23.5M
3. Hitch $12.5M total: $138M
4. Diary of a Mad Black Woman $12M total: $38.1M
5. Million Dollar Baby $8.51M total: $77M
6. Constantine $6M total: $60.5M
7. Cursed $3.88M total: $15.3M
8. Man of the House $3.5M total: $13.9M
9. Because of Winn-Dixie $3.45M total: $27M
10. The Jacket $2.67M total: $2.67M
-Well, this is rather unfortunate. It seems that Fred Durst has decided he's important enough to sue the internet for $80 million. That sounds like something Dr. Evil would do. I guess it would be pertinent to add that he's suing the websites that "leaked" (like it was OUR fault) his sex tape. So yeah, that pretty much constitutes every website ever. Gawker writes Fred a letter in response. (I'm pretty sure they don't have $80 million)
-Brigitte Nielson marries her sixth, and probably not her last, man. Flava-flav is heartbroken, somewhere.
-Urban Outfitters, in an attempt to simultaneously make fun of and cash in on Paris Hilton, present to you a new t-shirt fit for hipster consumption.
- Dapper Danger does what all of us bloggers wanted to, but couldn't, in taking a job (I don't know if being an extra is really a job, per se.) as an extra on Ms. Lohan's current film, Just My Luck. If you are surprised that the cast "can't act" and is "kind of stupid", well, then you were going to see the movie anyway, weren't you?
-As soon as Shrek 2 exploded all over the country with ubiquitous yogurt campaigns and various breakfast cereal tie-ins, we were all fairly certain we could count on a Shrek 3 in our lifetime. But had we counted on a Shrek 4? Yeah, probably.

Today: Tabloid Pictures Are Good For Something.

-Rosie O'Donnell is clearly so bored that she is turning to vapid cliches to celebrate her friends homecoming from jail. She bought Martha Stewart's favorite lemons, and wrote a note that said "when life gives you lemons, make lemonade." I'm sure Martha cannot wait to get back
-Britney Spears claims that all the unflattering pictures of her printed in magazines have inspired her to go on a diet. (Unfortunately we can't say the same for a wardrobe change, or more frequent showers). But who really believes she can give up the Cheetos and Red Bull?
-You know, that Debbie Rowe has a real heart of gold. She sells her uterus to Michael Jackson so he can have children to wrap in blankets and strange masks and dangle over balconys, and then she sells her wedding ring on eBay. Is she really that hard up for cash? Unfortunately we all know some crazed MJ fan is going to double mortgage their house, sell their car and their children just so they can own something Michael once touched.
-Have you seen these pictures? Because boy, let me tell you, I foresee the "double ponytail" as the next big fashion statement. Sort of like that whole asymmetrical bangs thing. Paired with the classy marjiuana track jacket and the "I stole this off of a dead hooker" color lipstick, Britney is totally ushering in a new era of fashion.
-I was unaware there would even be a market for this, but nonetheless, clearly someone wants a Rupaul doll.
-Pictures from Cher's farewell tour in Siberia.
-Duff: " I'm totally holding this for a friend!" Would that friend be...Lindsay Lohan??
-Johnny Knoxville is getting pissed that he's in the middle of so many rumors at once. He denies that he and Jessica Simpson were getting it on while filming Dukes of Hazzard. Because obviously, he was busy having sex with Lindsay Lohan that whole time. I mean, a man can only be so many places at once.
-Britney Spears' latest Stream of Conciousness, aka "my publicist does not edit this part". Kaballah has "helped [her] get rid of a lot of negative influences". Like taking showers?

Today: This Was Really Rushed.

-Well, it looks like Charlie Sheen's life is headed straight for the crapper. Wife Denise Richards is filing for divorce, despite the fact that she's pregnant with another Charlie Sheen Jr.
-Behold, the most disturbing allegation in the Michael Jackson trial yet! No, its not more cancer-ridden children accusing him of touching them, its a monkey.
-Mary-Kate Olsen : steadly working towards being at least 90 lbs. She's so good, she's going to DUAL COAST outpatient care!
-Martha Stewart gets released from prison tomorrow (Finally!) and the big question on everyone's mind is: what is she going to make first, homemade easter egg dye or fresh baked cookies with pine nuts?
-Lindsay Lohan is really not fooling anyone, is she? She is trying to convince us that she's only smoked pot ONCE, and she didn't like it. (Honey, you've got to inhale. No one likes it the first time.) And that she would never do cocaine because it "fucks your life up". So she's expecting us to assume she lost all that weight in two weeks naturally?
-In more breakup news, Katie Holmes and Chris Klein split. We understand, guys. It's been an overwhelming few months, what with the Pitt Spilt, the Sheen/Richards split and all. I mean if Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards can't make it work, then who can?

I know I missed probably a boatload of delicious, juicy gossip, but I have a huge archaeology project due tomorrow.
Such is college. I'll (try and) be back tomorrow in full force!

Today: It's Natural, Y'all!

-It looks like Christina Aguilera isn't interested in making any more celebrity friends, because she totally bashes on the idea of celebrity clothing lines.
-I guess $10 million wasn't enough of a salary for LOTR director Peter Jackson, because he is suing New Line Cinema.
-Star Jones (Reynolds) is worried that her fans will confuse her and Flotilla DeBarge, the drag queen hired by PETA to parody her in an ad campaign. Don't worry, Star. You don't have any fans.
-These crazy kids cannot keep their hands off of each other! Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston were caught kissing at Bryan Lourd's party friday night. Sources say they arrived and left together. Let's hope they at least exchanged numbers.
-If you haven't heard by now, Mariah Carey is set to come out with a new album. The cover can be found here. No, I did mean Mariah Carey, and not Beyonce. Seriously.
-If you are really into Tim Burton for whatever reason, put a second mortgage on your home and head to his Garage Sale in Azusa, CA. If you're lucky you can probably pick up a discarded love note from Tim to Johnny Depp for a reasonable price.
-For those of you who love Vin Diesel (and I'm sure you're out there, somewhere. I mean, people did go see Chronicles of Riddick, right?) then you might want some advance warning that The Pacifier totally sucked, as told to Defamer by a reader at the premiere. But, hey. There was a bouncy castle!
-Today's Topknot Special includes: all new shit brown hair, a wisely timed pick at the underwear, fashionable wristbands, a tasteful oversized t-shirt advertising beer, and tons more trailer trashtastic snarking!
-Michael Jackson has an "I'm Innocent, They Just Ignorant" picnic, outside the courtroom. And who says the man never grew up?

Today: We're All Oscar Hungover.

-If it looks like a man and eats like a man, then its either a man or Hilary Swank, who opted to chow down on a burger and fries after the Oscars. Well, I sure hope she didn't spill anything on that fantastic dress of hers.
-In arguably the most amazing transformation of our time (including all those neat CGI effects in Van Helsing!) , Edward Moss, an attractive man, becomes the creature of every young boys (and my) nightmare. In case you hadn't heard, he will be starring as Michael Jackson in E!'s trial re-enactments.
-Halle Berry finally gets a court order for another restraining order against one of three guys who actually watched and liked Catwoman, and "just wanted to let Halle know".
-If Seth Cohen was real, this would be another excuse for him to watch his own show. The trailer for Star Wars: Episode III- Revenge of the Sith, will air in between Seth whining about Summer and Seth whining about comic books.
-I know all four of you reading this probably regularly watch One Tree Hill Tuesday nights at 9pm, but if you don't, or you're sick of Chad Michael Murray (and frankly, who isn't at this point?) you can do me a quick favor by voting for Veronica Mars in this E!Online Save One Show Poll. What's Veronica Mars, you ask? You haven't been reading this site very long then, have you? I'd suggest hitting up UPN's official site and start asking yourself why you haven't been watching.
-Gwyneth claims she lives in a "happy household", even though I just reported like two days ago that she and Chris Martin are having problems.