Thursday, June 30, 2005

Today: The Scandal That Keeps on Rolling.

-Self proclaimed bitter waitress ranks celebrities on how well they tip. Those of you lowly peons in the food service industry, take note: Elijah Wood tips well!
-Everything you need to spoil yourself for the upcoming Anna Wintour Biography Charlie and the Chocolate Factory movie.
-Ben and Jen the Second finally achieve what Bennifer : the Beginning could not- marriage. And also spawn, but I'm pretty sure you knew that already.
-Even Tom Cruise's attack on Oprah and subsequent mind-boggling interviews and actions couldn't keep people from filling them theatre seats. War of the Worlds raked in $34.6 million on its opening day worldwide. Way to go, guys. You do realize that if the movie doesn't suddenly sink down the charts after this weekend (a la Pearl Harbor) we will be seeing a lot more of Cruise's ugly mug in the future. Thanks a lot, America (and the foreign nations who were stupid enough to also contribute).
-ABC chucks Welcome to the Neighboorhood out with the trash, deeming the subject matter to be too sensitive. Or because they made the gay couple look irritating and didn't want to risk angering their entire community. Who knows.
-This is what dreams are made of: rumors compounding on the alleged "contract" Katie Holmes signed to marry Tom Cruise intend to obscure the fact that Cruise may have slept with Rob Thomas (The one from Matchbox 20, not the creator of Veronica Mars).

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

Today: Everyone Looks Desperate

-Britney Spears plans to give birth to her Federline spawn in an Arizona hospital. That way, she won't look as trashy in comparison to the other mothers in the maternity ward.
-The ever reliable Star magazine tells us that Portia De Rossi and Ellen DeGeneres are looking to have kids.
-Ashlee Simpson pulls a Tara Reid and shows her nipple because her career is sinking.
-Nick Carter is sentenced to rehab . I guess that new Backstreet Boys didn't do as well as he'd hoped.
-The secrets out! Martha Stewart's Apprentice catch-phrase has been leaked. And damn, is it catchy!
-Tom Cruise chastises us all for not knowing what he knows, that there is obviously life on other planets. Thanks for the enlightenment, Top Gun.
-A chart of the highs and lows (or basically just the lows) suffered by The Comeback's "star" Valerie Cherish.
-Even though the chairman of AMC calls Cinderella Man a "special picture", its theatre chain is issuing refunds to dissatisfied viewers. So, wait. Exactly how does this help Cinderella Man become a success again?
-Own Marlon Brando's crap. Now you can pull a Matthew McConaughey in style with $1,000 bongos.
-DId you know that Scientology encourages abortion? Something tells me this is Scientology's own little "self-destruct" button.

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

Today: Jesus Christ is My Superhero!

-Did you know that Avril Lavigne is recording a cover of John Lennon's "Imagine"?? (As if there were any other Imagine) To top that off, struggling famewhore Butch Walker (most notable for heading the Marvelous 3, and then shitting all over his solo career) will be producing. There are countless jokes I could make about the overturning soil on top of Lennon's grave, but we all saw that coming, didn't we?
-And as if that weren't enough Avril, rumors are floating that she and that guy with one too many y's in his name from Sum 41 are getting married. How punk rock.
-I'm not exactly sure why, but Gabe from the band Midtown decided to make a rebuttle to Gwen Stefani's opus, Hollaback Girl. Shockingly, the song is called Hollaback Boy and can be found here.
-ABC finally wakes up and realizes that by dumping the Miss America pageant and showing reruns of Desperate Housewives, they'll get way better ratings. And who took over the pageant, you ask? NBC? CBS? Fox Kids? No, but close! Country Music Television.
-Apparently, not only did Russell Crowe chuck a telephone at a Mercer Hotel concierge, he went all out and hurled a vase at him too.
-Angelina Jolie pregnant? Guys, get on the ball. This article should've been written months ago.
-Rosie O'Donnell has moved on from ripping off E.E. Cummings to ripping off my collages from 7th grade.
-As you probably know, Nike attempted to shit all over Minor Threat's infamous self-titled album cover by using it as an ad campaign for their totally punk rock shoes. Probably because they saw a picture of Ian MacKaye and someone got scared, they issued an apology. Of course, if it weren't for this clusterfuck, we wouldn't have ingenious threads like this one.
-The only thing L. Ronnie's book Dianetics seems to cure is insomnia, as a brave soul from Salon.com tackles the monster.
-Kids in the UK cite Jesus Christ as the figure they most identify with being a superhero. Uh huh. Following JC on that list were the next most obvious superheroes, David Beckham and Florence Nightingale.

Monday, June 27, 2005

Today: Shit, I Already Used "Back in Black", Didn't I?

My "extended hiatus" has only made me realize how much fun this all is, even if it is a bit of work. So, I hope you kids appreciate it. Onward!

-You know things are bad when CNN takes a moment from talking about serial killers to make fun of Tom Cruise. And for the kids, Tom Cruise Kills Oprah.
-PETA wants us to vote on the five sexiest vegetarians. I don't know about you, but for me, its totally a toss up between Avril Lavigne and Reese Witherspoon.
-Kelly Osbourne channels Droopy the Dog. Notice also the tattoos of Jack & Daddy. Who are we, Brenda Chenowith?
-Real World: Austin; now with 75% more roommate hook-ups! (And 50% more unattractive housemates.)
-It seems as though Harry Knowles has been abuducted by Scientologists, because he states that Cruise guy's performance in War of the Worlds was "absolutely riveting". Someone's been drinking the Kool-Aid, methinks.
-The Monday Numbers:
1. Batman Begins $26.8M total: $122M
2. Bewitched $20.2M total: $20.2M
3. Mr. & Mrs. Smith $16.8M total: $125M
4. Herbie: Fully Loaded $12.8M total: $17.8M
5. Land of the Dead $10.2M total: $10.2M
6. Madagascar $7.3M total: $160M
7. Star Wars Ep. III $6.25M total: $359M
8. The Longest Yard $5.47M total: $142M
9. The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl in 3-D $3.42M total: $30.5M
10. Cinderella Man $3.3M total: $49.6M
Even digitally reducing Lohan's breasts couldn't save Herbie from barely grasping the number 4 spot for the weekend. There's a lesson in there, somewhere. Maybe not.
-Hermes finally apologizes for not treating Oprah like the fabulous superstar that she so rightly is.
-Is this some kind of subliminal message? I hope so.
-Remember that lawsuit against Peter Jackson I talked about when I still updated this thing regularly? Well it seems that someone at the Times is no Jackson fan, and let a quote slip in their article, calling Jackson "piggish". Now really, I don't think we need to stoop to the level of third grade nicknames based on weight issues, but then, I don't work for the Times.
-Newly dubbed " Brangelina" (because us gossip whores can't stop patting themselves on the back for the genius of "Bennifer" and desperately hope to relive it) are seen dirtbiking with Maddox, who is not old enough to appreciate how lucky he is to be sitting on the same bicycle seat as Brad "It's bleached for a role, I promise" Pitt.