Her Dream, My Nightmare.

I seem to gravitate towards items of interest that are either fake, possibly photoshopped, or just all around ridiculous. Today's bit of news is no different. The National Ledger reports that Katie Holmes may pull a Demi Moore and pose naked and pregnant for a willing and desperate magazine. I don't even care at this point if you think the relationship is real or not, just read this:
"Tom sees this baby as a gold mine of publicity." And Katie is willing to do whatever Tom wants."
I've never been a big fan of either of these celebrities (if Katie even really deserves that title. Dawson's Creek does not a star make! Just look at James Van Der Beek.) But the fact that Tom Cruise is using the birth of his first biological father (although that is also questionable) to boost his publicity is just sickening. Not to mention the fact that Katie is so brainwashed by those clams that she no longer has a mind of her own to object to anything Crazy Tom may throw her way. Next thing you know, he'll have her tour the United States by train, spouting the wonders of Scientology while wearing an L. Ron Hubbard mask.
This whole relationship makes me sick.

Paris Has Out-Parised Herself.

Browsing Defamer, I came upon this little gem of a photo. Paris Hilton, on a runway somewhere, with nothing but a streaker jacket and some patterned underwear separating her from the elements. Unfortunately, if you take a closer look (and I did, although you might not want to), you may notice that Paris' anatomny is...less than desirable. I will freely admit that I don't come across that many nearly naked asses in my life, but I must point out the curiousness of Ms. Hiltons ass flap hanging down behind her brightly colored underwear. It looks sort of like a hooker's version of a mud flap, although I really do not want to ponder if it serves a similar purpose. I think there's some cameltoe action going on over there too, but I cannot bring myself to investigate that closely.
I'm not sure if she was about to take off in a series of cartwheels down the runway, but that is the only possible explanation for the pose captured in this photo. And while you can't make out too many of the faces in the background, you know that most of them are probably thinking "My ass looks better than that and I'm twice her age."
PS. Paris, those boots? Ugly.

That Sean Preston Kid.

Well, I've got to hand it to Britney. She managed to name her child something normal, not like Venti Latte Cheeto Spears as we were all expecting, AND she also managed to keep her doomed little newborn out of the tabloids for a whole month. These pictures have finally leaked, and I'm fairly surprised at how they turned out. First, I'm shocked that K. Fed managed to free up time in his busy schedule for the shoot at all, what with all those, uh..beer runs he's been doing. Yeah.
Not only that, but the child has no discernible red bull stains on his little baby outfit. Kudos, young Sean! I am even tempted to call the picture in the bottom left corner "cute", although they may take away my celebrity blogging license for that one.
As long as they keep him out of baby manpris (babypris?) and away from flip-flops with socks, this kid may just turn out to be okay.
Especially if he's being raised by the nannies.

Thesis: Madonna is Batshit Insane.

I am going to let you know, right here and now, I've never been a Madonna fan. Save for 'Don't Tell Me', I'm not sure I've even listened to one of her songs all the way through. And there's been a lot of Madonna in the news recently, so I thought I'd discuss it because frankly I'm getting tired of posting eight thousand links to stories about Jessica Simpson and writing what amounts to one paragraph.
First, there was this. Madonna apparently wears the pants in the family, because she doesn't allow her kids to have ice cream or milk. So, okay, Madonna wants her kids to have frail, brittle bones. Fine. She also doesn't allow them to watch television, or read magazines. Although I'm sure she encourages them to watch Swept Away as often as possible.
Madonna dear, I know that television and magazines can mold a young mind quite easily, but if you would just exercize some parenting skills instead of being a goddamned disciplinarian, your children might be happier. You totally know Lourdes (and maybe Rocco, if he's allowed anywhere out of the site of Lord Madonna) is totally going over to her friends houses and watching tv, all "You know, my mom doesn't let me watch MTV." Lourdes' friend would be like, "Excuse me, what? Your mother was the star of that channel for like ten goddamn years. What a bitch!" and then they probably paint their nails or something.
Oh and it doesn't stop there. Not only does Madonna like to embarass her children around their peers by not allowing them the same luxaries as everyone else with a hundreth of her budget, she also has to embarass Lourdes in the worst way possible to embarass a girl: making her wear the same clothes to school two days in a row. That's just harsh.
Next, Madonna preaches to no discernible choir. We are all slaves to the "material world" and it'll be our undoing and we're going to hell for...wait, what? What?? Are we just supposed to abandon every bit of modern life and hike up to the mountains and live off of goats milk for the rest of our lives? Bitch, what do you want from us? You want us to get rid of material possessions, fine. But that includes all your records. Yes, even your new one.

This One's For You, Shana.

So I was surfing the internet today for my fill of celebrity gossip, as I am wont to do. And I came across this little gem. And clearly, it grabbed my attention enough to warrant an update.
So, Ashley Olsen (you know, the one who eats) is sitting in an Applebee's when some fans come up to her. And not just regular fans, who would be all like "SQUEE" and "OMGWTFBBQ" and stuff, but fans who looked like they were about to piss their pants. No, they didn't just want an autograph, or a picture, or some of her fries to sell on eBay. They wanted to watch her pee. Now I realize there are fetishists out there, thats all fine and dandy. But isn't that the type of thing that they make internet chat groups for? You aren't supposed to go up to celebrities, interrupt them while they're eating, and ask them to perform some slightly creepy act so they can get off on it.
So Ashley said yes. And I've got to give this girl a lot of credit, because how many celebrities would actually let their fans watch them pee?
So she goes and pees. But these crazy piss chicks wouldn't let her flush. They go in to check out her pee, and then pee in the same toilet.
And then they took pictures with her.
I feel like this is straight out of someone's nightmare.

Edit:
Well apparently this story isn't true. But I guess I should've known from the start. I mean, Ashley Olsen eating at Applebees? That did sound a little suspicious.