just bring the drama.

News For the Month of December

2005-12-09T21:53:00.000-05:00

Hi. I'm Priscilla. I'm Candices bff. That's right I've spent many a night writing her civil war letters, making smoothies and quesidillas and watching MST3k while having a beer. I am very honored that she allowed me to submit some of my news stories to her infamous blog. I hope you find them good. Everything I write is true.

Here are some current headlines:

Abercrombie and Fitch to Make Models get Tattood'd

In recent news, Abercrombie has decided to create a more 'vintage appeal' to go with 2006's new line of, "dirty like a slave" collection. Models of course cannot be Black or Hispanic, or Chinese, but will however be forced into getting permanent tattoos of a dirty appearence. CEO of Abercrombie says he thinks this will make a lasting impression in society by "bringing back the old American look, to live the new American Dream". The top models of course will be getting special treament and at no additonal cost will be getting actual fabric numbers swen into their backs. To go with their new line, they need something really fucking hip, each shirt will come with Dave Matthews Band lyrics embrioded inside using 100% lycra and 85% spandex. The models claimed " as long as we keeping getting weed in return of standing in really strong poses when waves are crashing at our feet, we will do whatever it takes to make Abercombie a fashion staple in todays society. "

Before
....

After. Clearly an improvement.

Actress Jena Malone (Donnie Darko, United States of Leland) Is Really A Toungeless Sea Serpant.

clearly no tounge.

I knew there had to be something up when every role I have seen of this actress makes her sound like a fourteen year old boy with a retainer in trying to tell some girl he loves her. I was right! But how right?! My accusastions of Jena actually being a monster with no 'strongest muscle' in the body were DEAD ON! When I called her on it in at the red carpet premiere of some shitty movie she turned into a giant greenish flesh sack with scales and with a deep voice said something along the lines of, " I jusd wanted to be loved, itd so hard for me to be a schea scheaperent, i thoudt id make my family proud." and then she cried like a bitch. Holding her scaley appenendged in tow, she made out like Alec Mac and dissolved into a puddle of silverish water never to be seen again.

Florida New State Motto: Where Incompetency Thrives

We asked several persons at several gas stations what this new motto meant to them, their blank stares and "I donknows" told us Florida has finally made a good choice.

Virginia Angry At Hotel Bible Theif

Reports have been coming in that several men with curly hair, a naisly voice, and overlylarge noses have been raiding local motels at knife point demanding keys and stealing all the bibles replacing them with strange potato patties that authorities believe to be "some foreign like dish that must be from some foreign place." The suspects also reportidly had a schmitvah when "Georgie (one of the robbers) dropped several pennies. Cheif Depty Richard Brinkly said, " We think we have the main suspects." Later showing a picture of the Hamburglar.

This photo was submitted by a witness who happened to be drawing a charicature in the parking lot of the event.

Vattican to Introduce Innovative Bible Belt

The new "Bible Belt" was introduced by Italian designers and devout catholics in order to make religion a little more portable. Even more comfortable to carry than the pocket bible. Cardinal Thomas Aquanis stated, "not only is it a traditional form of praise, and very durable and light, it is EXTREMLEY easy to take off little boys."

The Christian Home Shopping Network reported the device as selling out within three seconds to ONE person, with the initials M.J.

Well it certainly has been a busy week in the world of news, please stay tuned for more truth.

Nicole Richie Likes Heroin!

2005-11-03T12:10:00.000-05:00

According to this article, Nicole would try heroin again if she had the opportunity. Because, really, it must be sooo hard to score heroin in her position. She'd try it again because "that's her personality". What the hell does that even mean? She enjoys being heated up in rusty spoons? She likes shooting needles in her arm? I don't get it. I also find it hard to believe that she's only "tried" heroin. It comes as no coincidence that basically every strung out addict you see is STICK FUCKING THIN. Yet, Richie claims that all her weight was lost naturally. Yes, naturally, she didn't eat and shot heroin all the time. Very natural, I'd say.
The article also goes on to detail that Nicole would like exactly five kids, three girls and twin boys. If the boys are not twins, they'll be thrown out and her and DJ AM will try again.
Even though her dad is trying to stick up for her and defend her weight loss by saying she's probably jus stressed from the wedding, Nicole is so hopped up on smack that she can't even see when her father is making excuses for her. She "had no idea what he meant by that". Man, this girl must have the brain power of a pea.
She should really cut down on the heroin.

Would You Want Jessica Simpson's Advice?

2005-11-01T18:44:00.000-05:00

It looks like Jessica just can't take it anymore. She's been seeing a therapist because all this gossip about her marriage being destroyed is, uh...actually destroying her marriage. Ironic. But the most interesting part of this article (although it's more of a blurb, really) is that Jessica mentions that "I would be a therapist if I weren't an entertainer."
Woah. Let's slow down here. Jessica Simpson, lisenced therapist? How could that possibly go well? I don't know if Jessica realizes that being a therapist means she has to string sentences together coherently that aren't already written for her. I can only imagine the things she would say to a suicidal patient, or (heh) a couple in need of marriage counseling.
"We don't even sleep in the same bed anymore. Is this normal, Dr. Simpson?" they might ask.
"That's perfectly natural, y'all! Me and my husband haven't slept in the same bed for three years! In fact, I don't even think we live with each other anymore. I'd have to ask my daddy about that."
Yes, I can see Jessica flourishing in the field of therapy. It's too bad she's got such a strong acting career, otherwise she might want to think about switching fields.

Her Dream, My Nightmare.

2005-10-25T17:36:00.000-04:00

I seem to gravitate towards items of interest that are either fake, possibly photoshopped, or just all around ridiculous. Today's bit of news is no different. The National Ledger reports that Katie Holmes may pull a Demi Moore and pose naked and pregnant for a willing and desperate magazine. I don't even care at this point if you think the relationship is real or not, just read this:
"Tom sees this baby as a gold mine of publicity." And Katie is willing to do whatever Tom wants."
I've never been a big fan of either of these celebrities (if Katie even really deserves that title. Dawson's Creek does not a star make! Just look at James Van Der Beek.) But the fact that Tom Cruise is using the birth of his first biological father (although that is also questionable) to boost his publicity is just sickening. Not to mention the fact that Katie is so brainwashed by those clams that she no longer has a mind of her own to object to anything Crazy Tom may throw her way. Next thing you know, he'll have her tour the United States by train, spouting the wonders of Scientology while wearing an L. Ron Hubbard mask.
This whole relationship makes me sick.

Paris Has Out-Parised Herself.

2005-10-24T15:29:00.000-04:00

Browsing Defamer, I came upon this little gem of a photo. Paris Hilton, on a runway somewhere, with nothing but a streaker jacket and some patterned underwear separating her from the elements. Unfortunately, if you take a closer look (and I did, although you might not want to), you may notice that Paris' anatomny is...less than desirable. I will freely admit that I don't come across that many nearly naked asses in my life, but I must point out the curiousness of Ms. Hiltons ass flap hanging down behind her brightly colored underwear. It looks sort of like a hooker's version of a mud flap, although I really do not want to ponder if it serves a similar purpose. I think there's some cameltoe action going on over there too, but I cannot bring myself to investigate that closely.
I'm not sure if she was about to take off in a series of cartwheels down the runway, but that is the only possible explanation for the pose captured in this photo. And while you can't make out too many of the faces in the background, you know that most of them are probably thinking "My ass looks better than that and I'm twice her age."
PS. Paris, those boots? Ugly.

That Sean Preston Kid.

2005-10-21T14:04:00.000-04:00

Well, I've got to hand it to Britney. She managed to name her child something normal, not like Venti Latte Cheeto Spears as we were all expecting, AND she also managed to keep her doomed little newborn out of the tabloids for a whole month. These pictures have finally leaked, and I'm fairly surprised at how they turned out. First, I'm shocked that K. Fed managed to free up time in his busy schedule for the shoot at all, what with all those, uh..beer runs he's been doing. Yeah.
Not only that, but the child has no discernible red bull stains on his little baby outfit. Kudos, young Sean! I am even tempted to call the picture in the bottom left corner "cute", although they may take away my celebrity blogging license for that one.
As long as they keep him out of baby manpris (babypris?) and away from flip-flops with socks, this kid may just turn out to be okay.
Especially if he's being raised by the nannies.

Thesis: Madonna is Batshit Insane.

2005-10-18T21:31:00.000-04:00

I am going to let you know, right here and now, I've never been a Madonna fan. Save for 'Don't Tell Me', I'm not sure I've even listened to one of her songs all the way through. And there's been a lot of Madonna in the news recently, so I thought I'd discuss it because frankly I'm getting tired of posting eight thousand links to stories about Jessica Simpson and writing what amounts to one paragraph.
First, there was this. Madonna apparently wears the pants in the family, because she doesn't allow her kids to have ice cream or milk. So, okay, Madonna wants her kids to have frail, brittle bones. Fine. She also doesn't allow them to watch television, or read magazines. Although I'm sure she encourages them to watch Swept Away as often as possible.
Madonna dear, I know that television and magazines can mold a young mind quite easily, but if you would just exercize some parenting skills instead of being a goddamned disciplinarian, your children might be happier. You totally know Lourdes (and maybe Rocco, if he's allowed anywhere out of the site of Lord Madonna) is totally going over to her friends houses and watching tv, all "You know, my mom doesn't let me watch MTV." Lourdes' friend would be like, "Excuse me, what? Your mother was the star of that channel for like ten goddamn years. What a bitch!" and then they probably paint their nails or something.
Oh and it doesn't stop there. Not only does Madonna like to embarass her children around their peers by not allowing them the same luxaries as everyone else with a hundreth of her budget, she also has to embarass Lourdes in the worst way possible to embarass a girl: making her wear the same clothes to school two days in a row. That's just harsh.
Next, Madonna preaches to no discernible choir. We are all slaves to the "material world" and it'll be our undoing and we're going to hell for...wait, what? What?? Are we just supposed to abandon every bit of modern life and hike up to the mountains and live off of goats milk for the rest of our lives? Bitch, what do you want from us? You want us to get rid of material possessions, fine. But that includes all your records. Yes, even your new one.

This One's For You, Shana.

2005-10-17T22:46:00.000-04:00

So I was surfing the internet today for my fill of celebrity gossip, as I am wont to do. And I came across this little gem. And clearly, it grabbed my attention enough to warrant an update.
So, Ashley Olsen (you know, the one who eats) is sitting in an Applebee's when some fans come up to her. And not just regular fans, who would be all like "SQUEE" and "OMGWTFBBQ" and stuff, but fans who looked like they were about to piss their pants. No, they didn't just want an autograph, or a picture, or some of her fries to sell on eBay. They wanted to watch her pee. Now I realize there are fetishists out there, thats all fine and dandy. But isn't that the type of thing that they make internet chat groups for? You aren't supposed to go up to celebrities, interrupt them while they're eating, and ask them to perform some slightly creepy act so they can get off on it.
So Ashley said yes. And I've got to give this girl a lot of credit, because how many celebrities would actually let their fans watch them pee?
So she goes and pees. But these crazy piss chicks wouldn't let her flush. They go in to check out her pee, and then pee in the same toilet.
And then they took pictures with her.
I feel like this is straight out of someone's nightmare.

Edit:
Well apparently this story isn't true. But I guess I should've known from the start. I mean, Ashley Olsen eating at Applebees? That did sound a little suspicious.

Today: Everybody Hates the Comeback.

2005-09-20T18:52:00.000-04:00

-I know I spent most of yesterday complaining about Kate Moss, and I was hoping I wouldn't have to do it again today. But I do, because she's been axed from H&M. And really, I don't feel bad.
-We all watched (or maybe slept through) Everybody Loves Raymond sweeping the Emmys for the thousandth time for a row. But it was okay, because the show's ending and their reign of terror would soon be over, right? Apparently not. There are actual talks of a spin-off (because we all know how well those do. Hi Joey!) revolving around Brad Garrett's character. Wake me when it's cancelled.
-Ashton Kutcher's voicemails may or may not be hacked. As defamer points out, his password spells PUNK, which might be a little too obvious, even for someone who starred in a movie called Dude, Wheres My Car?
-It looks like someone finally woke up over at HBO and actually got around to cancelling The Comeback. They also announced a second season of Rome and a third season of Entourage, in case you were worried.
-Jennifer Aniston claims she is "ready to date". Somewhere, Vince Vaughn is on his cell phone, looking nervous.

Today: Kate Moss Won't Go Away.

2005-09-19T23:21:00.000-04:00

-So, let's take a look at these weekend box office numbers, shall we?
1. Just Like Heaven $16.4M total: $16.4M
2. The Exorcism of Emily Rose $14.9M total: $51.6M
3. Lord of War $9.39M total: $9.39M
4. The 40 Year Old Virgin $5.97M total: $90.7M
5. Cry_Wolf $4.43M total: $4.43M
6. Transporter 2 $4.01M total: $36.5M
7. The Constant Gardener $3.62M total: $24.3M
8. Red Eye $2.86M total: $55.2M
9. Wedding Crashers $2.53M total: $204M
10. Marche de l'empereur, La $2.52M total: $70.4M
I don't know about you guys, but I'm more than a little surprised that Reese Whitherspoon has appeal that lasts beyond Legally Blonde and its sequel. Although its possible that some of those millions were attributed to confused fans of the Cure, much like goth Jared was. Half of the rest of this week's list I've never even heard of, so I'll just take that as a cue to move on to talking about people's horible hairstyles at the Emmys.
-Or you know what, let's talk about Kate Moss first. Because sure, we all heard about the one-woman cocaine rager. And the world collectively yawned. Because honestly? She's a model AND she's dating Pete Doherty. She was practically mandated to be on cocaine. However, she's taking things to the next drug-addled step by having lesbian three-ways. If Pete were actually coherent enough to understand what his girlfriend is doing, I'm sure he'd be thrilled.
-Jennifer Lopez does not learn. I cannot understand how making a movie with Marc Antony could possibly be successful, unless its a zombie flick and Marc has the title role.
-Oh wait, this just in. Kate dumped Doherty's ass again. Dry those tears kids, they'll be back to snorting and sexing it up by tomorrow or thursday the latest.
-Mad Magazine tries really hard to be relevent and make a joke about Lindsay Lohan but it falls about as flat as an episode of their show does. Which is to say, I'm dumber for having seen it.
-I'm a bit worried for Felicity Huffman's safety. When working on a show filled with catty women playing even cattier women, one has to watch their back at most every turn. Now that she's won an Emmy, I'd hate to see how much Teri Hatcher bribes Marc Cherry with to off Huffman's character. Or worse, I'd hate to see what Teri'd do to her dressing room.
-Oh, one more thing. Patricia Arquette, dear? Not even Gwen Stefani could make that work.

Today: Weekly Roundup of Things You Already Know

2005-09-16T14:24:00.000-04:00

The numbers say people are still stumbling upon this site. And the numbers don't lie, man. So I may as well give you something new to look at. If you're good I'll be back on Monday, too! And no, that isn't an empty promise.

-The Daily Mirror has ousted Kate Moss as a cocaine addict, which everyone pretty much figured already, but there were no grainy pictures to indicate. gawker posted the pictures earlier, but it looks like the Mirror's lawyers got to them already. So for those of you unfortunate enough to have missed the pictures, I'll try and recap: She's doing lines of coke. And laughing. And doing more lines of coke. Yeah, you really didn't miss much.
-Britney Spears has finally released her spawn into the world, and its name is...Preston Michael Spears. Or Sean Preston Spears, I don't even know anymore. There's no official name on her website (not like I went there to check or anything, I just hear things), so feel free to make the joke of your choice.
-What a tragedy. First, we learn that the Hollywood romance of Renee Zellweger and Cowboy Hat has dissolved. And in four months, no less! I was kind of hoping they'd last longer than the Spears-Federline travesty, hence my heartbroken tone. However, now it turns out that Ol' Squinty Face has cited fraud as the cause for annulment. But wait, before you get your panties all in a tangle, Zellweger backpedals furiously by saying that using the word fraud was"simply legal language and not a refection of Kenny's character." Yeah, sure Renee.
-For those of you comic book nerds eagerly anticipating the new Superman movie, here is some bad news to keep you crying in your room for the next week. "Romantic"? Oh Mr. Singer, I hope you know what you're getting yourself into.
-Matt Damon is engaged, and I wonder if Ben Affleck is going to show up drunk to the wedding. You know, just to spite Matt because Ben got hitched first or something.
-Lindsay Lohan has an old fashioned nip slip, which I somehow missed this week, probably every other post on defamer had to do with Britney Spears and it must've gotten lost.
-Jude Law and Sienna Miller are back together. Although by the time you're done reading this, they probably will have broken up again.
-Will Smith is turning into Samuel L. Jackson. And not in a good way.
-Chris Farley's lovechild. Yes, that Chris Farley.
-Check out this hilarious Celebrity-Way Call. Vince Vaughn's face is priceless.

Today: It's Late and I'm Tired.

2005-08-17T21:45:00.000-04:00

-Denise Richards puts her engagement ring back on, because it's been a while since anyone cared about her and Charlie Sheen's divorce.
-Check out some pictures from the filming of The DaVinci Code, complete with a greasy, lumpy Tom Hanks. Yeah, this is going to be great.
-Chris Martin finds a way to complain about his wife while making it sound like a compliment. If only he could put that much cleverness into his songs.
-Mary-Kate Olsen practices being forty by standing around in her housecoat smoking cigarettes and dancing with her imaginary friend.
-Looks like Britney Spears is having a boy...elephant. I kid, I kid! I'm sure it's just twins. Or, there's just one Spears Spawn in her belly and he's mooching off of her even more than K.Fed is.
-Someone must be mad at Jude Law. (perhaps for appearing in Closer?) Because they're spreading small penis rumorsall around the internet. Dude, no wonder Alice AND Anna left you!
-Jessica Simpson has seen the writing on the wall, and it says "design some jeans".
-Katie Holmes: her dream, my nightmare.
-Finally. Now everyone can have a piece of Lindsay Lohan. However, the accessories don't seem very up to date. There's no bashed in Mercedes, packs of cigarettes or bags of coke! I'm going to write to Mattel about this.
-A vague threat of the next Tom Cruise debacle to come. I'm scared. Please hold me.

Today: I Do it For the Kids!

2005-08-17T00:26:00.000-04:00

-Madonna falls off a horse, and now we'll have to contend with how "Kabbala saved her" or some other mystical bullcrap. Look for the ABC special, sure to be airing soon!
-It seems as though Hilary Duff has spent the last year in such a coke-induced haze (what? you know it's true.) that she failed to notice that Ashlee already tried that look. And just look where it got her, Duff. You better watch those shiny teeth of yours.
-Mariah Carey, lashing out because whatever album it is of hers she just released probably bombed, is pissed that Eminem is playing voice-mail messages of hers at his concerts. Allegedly the couple had an affair while working on her Charmbracelet (when the hell did that come out?) album. Carey denies the affair happened, and so do I because I don't remember reading a thing about it, so it can't possibly be true.
-If I were to report every day that Pete Doherty was sent to jail for possession of heroin, nine times out of ten I'd actually be right.
-It seems as though the "comedians" in charge of roasting Pamela Anderson fell short with jokes about her that didn't include talking about her breasts or Tommy Lee, so they went for Tom Cruise jokes instead. Not that I'm complaining, because I'm not.

I picked a really great time to dip my toes back into this, since I'm crusin' to Bermuda for a week, starting Saturday. Then it's back to college! I promise to be more diligent regarding jbtd, because each time I think about not updating it makes me a little sad inside. So I'm sticking with what works for now, even if it means irregular updates. But at least they're funny! Right?
...Right?

PS. Even though I have "Show comments in a popup window" checked to yes, I get no popup window. Any suggestions, faithful reader(s)?

Okay, So I Lied.

2005-08-04T23:56:00.000-04:00

No, I wasn't on vacation or anything. But the effort involved in order to post five days a week is more than I sometimes have. I have been considering switching styles and writing something with a weekly format instead. Problem is, I'm not really sure where I could go with that. So here's where you, my fabulous readers (all three of you) come in. If you have any suggestions as to how I could make my site better/more interesting/funny, etc please drop me an email at justbringthedrama@mac.com
-Candice

Today: The Scandal That Keeps on Rolling.

2005-06-30T19:06:00.000-04:00

-Self proclaimed bitter waitress ranks celebrities on how well they tip. Those of you lowly peons in the food service industry, take note: Elijah Wood tips well!
-Everything you need to spoil yourself for the upcoming ~~Anna Wintour Biography~~ Charlie and the Chocolate Factory movie.
-Ben and Jen the Second finally achieve what Bennifer : the Beginning could not- marriage. And also spawn, but I'm pretty sure you knew that already.
-Even Tom Cruise's attack on Oprah and subsequent mind-boggling interviews and actions couldn't keep people from filling them theatre seats. War of the Worlds raked in $34.6 million on its opening day worldwide. Way to go, guys. You do realize that if the movie doesn't suddenly sink down the charts after this weekend (a la Pearl Harbor) we will be seeing a lot more of Cruise's ugly mug in the future. Thanks a lot, America (and the foreign nations who were stupid enough to also contribute).
-ABC chucks Welcome to the Neighboorhood out with the trash, deeming the subject matter to be too sensitive. Or because they made the gay couple look irritating and didn't want to risk angering their entire community. Who knows.
-This is what dreams are made of: rumors compounding on the alleged "contract" Katie Holmes signed to marry Tom Cruise intend to obscure the fact that Cruise may have slept with Rob Thomas (The one from Matchbox 20, not the creator of Veronica Mars).

Today: Everyone Looks Desperate

2005-06-29T21:15:00.000-04:00

-Britney Spears plans to give birth to her Federline spawn in an Arizona hospital. That way, she won't look as trashy in comparison to the other mothers in the maternity ward.
-The ever reliable Star magazine tells us that Portia De Rossi and Ellen DeGeneres are looking to have kids.
-Ashlee Simpson pulls a Tara Reid and shows her nipple because her career is sinking.
-Nick Carter is sentenced to rehab . I guess that new Backstreet Boys didn't do as well as he'd hoped.
-The secrets out! Martha Stewart's Apprentice catch-phrase has been leaked. And damn, is it catchy!
-Tom Cruise chastises us all for not knowing what he knows, that there is obviously life on other planets. Thanks for the enlightenment, Top Gun.
-A chart of the highs and lows (or basically just the lows) suffered by The Comeback's "star" Valerie Cherish.
-Even though the chairman of AMC calls Cinderella Man a "special picture", its theatre chain is issuing refunds to dissatisfied viewers. So, wait. Exactly how does this help Cinderella Man become a success again?
-Own Marlon Brando's crap. Now you can pull a Matthew McConaughey in style with $1,000 bongos.
-DId you know that Scientology encourages abortion? Something tells me this is Scientology's own little "self-destruct" button.

Today: Jesus Christ is My Superhero!

2005-06-28T16:08:00.000-04:00

-Did you know that Avril Lavigne is recording a cover of John Lennon's "Imagine"?? (As if there were any other Imagine) To top that off, struggling famewhore Butch Walker (most notable for heading the Marvelous 3, and then shitting all over his solo career) will be producing. There are countless jokes I could make about the overturning soil on top of Lennon's grave, but we all saw that coming, didn't we?
-And as if that weren't enough Avril, rumors are floating that she and that guy with one too many y's in his name from Sum 41 are getting married. How punk rock.
-I'm not exactly sure why, but Gabe from the band Midtown decided to make a rebuttle to Gwen Stefani's opus, Hollaback Girl. Shockingly, the song is called Hollaback Boy and can be found here.
-ABC finally wakes up and realizes that by dumping the Miss America pageant and showing reruns of Desperate Housewives, they'll get way better ratings. And who took over the pageant, you ask? NBC? CBS? Fox Kids? No, but close! Country Music Television.
-Apparently, not only did Russell Crowe chuck a telephone at a Mercer Hotel concierge, he went all out and hurled a vase at him too.
-Angelina Jolie pregnant? Guys, get on the ball. This article should've been written months ago.
-Rosie O'Donnell has moved on from ripping off E.E. Cummings to ripping off my collages from 7th grade.
-As you probably know, Nike attempted to shit all over Minor Threat's infamous self-titled album cover by using it as an ad campaign for their totally punk rock shoes. Probably because they saw a picture of Ian MacKaye and someone got scared, they issued an apology. Of course, if it weren't for this clusterfuck, we wouldn't have ingenious threads like this one.
-The only thing L. Ronnie's book Dianetics seems to cure is insomnia, as a brave soul from Salon.com tackles the monster.
-Kids in the UK cite Jesus Christ as the figure they most identify with being a superhero. Uh huh. Following JC on that list were the next most obvious superheroes, David Beckham and Florence Nightingale.

Today: Shit, I Already Used "Back in Black", Didn't I?

2005-06-27T19:06:00.000-04:00

My "extended hiatus" has only made me realize how much fun this all is, even if it is a bit of work. So, I hope you kids appreciate it. Onward!

-You know things are bad when CNN takes a moment from talking about serial killers to make fun of Tom Cruise. And for the kids, Tom Cruise Kills Oprah.
-PETA wants us to vote on the five sexiest vegetarians. I don't know about you, but for me, its totally a toss up between Avril Lavigne and Reese Witherspoon.
-Kelly Osbourne channels Droopy the Dog. Notice also the tattoos of Jack & Daddy. Who are we, Brenda Chenowith?
-Real World: Austin; now with 75% more roommate hook-ups! (And 50% more unattractive housemates.)
-It seems as though Harry Knowles has been abuducted by Scientologists, because he states that Cruise guy's performance in War of the Worlds was "absolutely riveting". Someone's been drinking the Kool-Aid, methinks.
-The Monday Numbers:
1. Batman Begins $26.8M total: $122M
2. Bewitched $20.2M total: $20.2M
3. Mr. & Mrs. Smith $16.8M total: $125M
4. Herbie: Fully Loaded $12.8M total: $17.8M
5. Land of the Dead $10.2M total: $10.2M
6. Madagascar $7.3M total: $160M
7. Star Wars Ep. III $6.25M total: $359M
8. The Longest Yard $5.47M total: $142M
9. The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl in 3-D $3.42M total: $30.5M
10. Cinderella Man $3.3M total: $49.6M
Even digitally reducing Lohan's breasts couldn't save Herbie from barely grasping the number 4 spot for the weekend. There's a lesson in there, somewhere. Maybe not.
-Hermes finally apologizes for not treating Oprah like the fabulous superstar that she so rightly is.
-Is this some kind of subliminal message? I hope so.
-Remember that lawsuit against Peter Jackson I talked about when I still updated this thing regularly? Well it seems that someone at the Times is no Jackson fan, and let a quote slip in their article, calling Jackson "piggish". Now really, I don't think we need to stoop to the level of third grade nicknames based on weight issues, but then, I don't work for the Times.
-Newly dubbed " Brangelina" (because us gossip whores can't stop patting themselves on the back for the genius of "Bennifer" and desperately hope to relive it) are seen dirtbiking with Maddox, who is not old enough to appreciate how lucky he is to be sitting on the same bicycle seat as Brad "It's bleached for a role, I promise" Pitt.

Today: A Long-Overdue Word for the Masses.

2005-04-30T18:02:00.000-04:00

Hello, Five Readers of Just Bring the Drama,
I know you've been concerned, asking questions as to where your latest celebrity gossip can be found. I know you've been worried, I got your e-mails. Actually, no, I didn't. No one sent any. But the point is, I'm sure you are wondering why I've stopped updating in the past few weeks or so. I don't know why it took me song long to type up an explanation, but I guess the whopping two people who were nagging me for updates finally got to me.
I guess you could consider JBTD on hiatus for the time being, since its just about finals time and my head is ready to explode. As a college student, this was really just a fun side project for me. I spend a couple hours finding the best gossip for each day, write something witty about it, and then go do my real schoolwork. Thing is, I was spending more time doing research for the site than I was for research papers. This is bad, because I am not getting paid for this site, and college is supposed to propel me towards something where I will get paid. Hence, I put JBTD on the back-burner for a while, and it felt kind of good. I think the idea of updating this site five days a week was getting to be a bit of a burden, and it felt nice to just relax and not worry about having a deadline.
It is entirely possible that after school is over in a few weeks I will resume updates. However, I'll probably be working thirty-eight hour work-weeks at that point, so I can't promise too much. But don't worry, dear reader(s?) I will return someday.
-Candice

Today: Yes, This Was The Best I Could Do.

2005-04-15T19:35:00.000-04:00

-A glimpse into the future for Britney Spears- she goes to Baskin-Robbins and doesn't have enough money. Only in the future, there won't be any paparazzi standing outside to loan her ten bucks.
-Paris has found her new sidekick- Kimberly Stewart. And I'll continue to not watch.
-"The Wedding Singer" is being transformed into a Broadway musical. I can't even make a joke about that, I'm just too horrified.
-Why, as a matter of fact, I would like to see Fred Durst with his own talk show! I'm so glad you asked.
-If Britney Spears can't get work now, how does she expect to find any three months after she gives birth to her Federline spawn?

Today: Is It Friday Yet?

2005-04-14T19:57:00.000-04:00

-Nicole Richie leaves 'The Simple Life', probably to go work on that fabulous album of hers. Or maybe she quit because she forgot how to eat. In the meantime, the Hilton Heiress will need another buddy to play dumb with. Hey Lindsay, are you busy?
-Kim Cattrall goes from drinking Bacardi with random men to selling it.
-I think the whole world is just trying to copy Zoolander. Read how life imitates art, and Lindsay Lohan and Wilmer Valderrama have a dance off. Yes, I did say dance off.
-Speaking of Lindsay and ridiculous ideas, she's being looked at as a prospective for Clueless on stage. Like, gag me.
-If you want to find out about other shows that aren't Veronica Mars and if they'll be back to keep you from doing your homework next semester, take a look here.
-The funniest part is that this conversation has probably already occurred.

Today: If A Celebrity Gets Arrested and No One Cares, Did It Really Happen?

2005-04-13T20:12:00.000-04:00

-Memo for Orlando Bloom: I'm not sure that Brad Pitt is the right person to be asking about relationship problems. I hear he broke up with his wife a while ago, or something.
-Joan Rivers calls Brigette Nielsen a cunt. And I'm reporting it. So I guess I can't really make any jokes about reaching for attention or anything.
-Beyonce "Hot Pants are So in Right Now" Knowles and her mother are jumping on the celebrity-clothing line bandwagon. I'd make a joke about finding gold hot pants all over Macy's come the fall, but it was kind of obvious I was going to go there, wasn't it?
-Best Week Ever finds good, even amongst all the horror.
-Maybe this is why Katie Holmes broke up with Chris Klien.Even though it happened a month ago, and no one noticed. Except maybe Katie, of course. Now you'll probably be able to find him in AA.
-Because its a slow news day, here's Whitney looking homeless.
-All the crazy in Lindsay Lohan's family is finally getting to her...she's been stalking that weirdo ex of hers, Wilmer Valderrama.
-Another less than good review of Ashlee Simpson and her "performance" skills.

Today: The First Sign of the Apocalypse, Y'all!

2005-04-12T19:21:00.000-04:00

-It looks like Britney Spears has been hospitalized for "pregnancy complications", which I take to mean "Cheeto Overdose". Wait, stop the presses, y'all! She's announced on her official site that there really is a Federline Fetus in her belly. Is anyone else a bit nauseous?
Oh, stereogum has rendered photos of the possible Federline Fetus for your enjoyment.
-Mel Gibson yet another part of his slowly diminishing soul to take on an epic about the life of the Pope. You know the one.
-Mary-Kate and Ashley are looking to take over your household. First, you were tuned into your Full House/So Little Time/That Other Show They Did. Next, you popped in their straight-to-video DVDs. You plastered your walls with their pictures, your dressertops with their make-up, and your closets with their fashionable clothing line. But something was missing. So now, all you need is to throw out your furniture and replace it with Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen brand furniture. Oh, and don't forget to buy one of their rugs, otherwise you're like totally not a true fan.
-Oh, how the mighty have fallen. Paris Hilton is designing jewelry for dogs. Because dogs are all about slut couture.

PS. Only five more episodes of Veronica Mars left until we discover who killed Lilly Kane. Did I mention this show got renewed? Yeah, go watch it.

Today: How Did Sahara Make Eighteen Million Dollars?

2005-04-11T20:27:00.000-04:00

-Britney Spears hates "false" tabloids, but she has no problem talking to a fourth-grader for her school newspaper.
-Yet another Dunst/Gyllenhaal fake out. When will these crazy kids learn that after you keep crying wolf so many times, people will eventually stop caring?
-Once you've been in the public eye long enough, deserved or not (I'm looking at YOU, Ashlee), you would think that an understanding of how not to show off your underwear would be reached.
-The Monday Numbers:
1. Sahara $18.5M total: $18.5M
2. Sin City $14.1M total: $50.7M
3. Fever Pitch $13M total: $13M
4. Guess Who $7.1M total: $51.1M
5. Beauty Shop $7.1M total: $26.4M
6. Robots $4.65M total: $111M
7. Miss Congeniality 2: You Know The Rest $4.12M total: $37.5M
8. The Pacifier $3.03M total: $100M
9. The Ring Two $2.9M total: $72.3M
10. The Upside of Anger $2.6M total: $12.4M
Where did Ice Princess go?
Note to Jimmy Fallon: Stop, right where you are. No, I don't care if you were sleeping. You get out of bed, you call Lorne Michaels, and you tell him you're sorry. Very, very sorry, and could you please tell Tina Fey the same thing? I think they'd appreciate it.
-Have I mentioned that Veronica Mars got renewed? Yes, about a thousand times? Well, I just need to revel in the news again.
-Do you want to rock and roll all night, and watch bad reality television all day? Well Gene Simmons is taking that idea all the way to the bank (and VH1).
-We all know how Ashlee Simpson has a problem with lip synching, but apparently she doesn't have a problem being airbrushed on the cover of Portuguese Cosmo.
-The conspiracy about Britney's interview with a fourth-grader gets cracked wide open. I knew it was just too good to be true.

Today: Better Late Than Never.

2005-04-09T13:13:00.000-04:00

-Christopher Guest gives up on the mockumentary genre.
-Further proof that Tim Burton is crazy
-Us Weekly's least shocking cover ever.
-Jennifer Lopez wants people to call her Jennifer Anthony, so she can get as much use out of her husbands name as possible until she divorces him.
-Meet and greet info for Veronica Mars fans. If you live in or around the Boston or NYC metro area, I expect your asses to be there in full force.
-I guess Teri Hatcher has a lot of time on her hands. At least, enough time in between shoots to doodle all over the Vanity Fair with her and her cast-mates on the cover.
-Ashlee Simpson's backstage rider includes pickle relish. How can that possibly be good for her acid reflux? Pre-recorded drumming sequences? In case he pushes the wrong button, perhaps?
-I think the last thing that Beyonce needsa doll, to feed her ego and make her wonder why there are there dolls and not just one.
-Anna Nicole Smith is writing for the National Enquirer, because what legitimate newspaper would possibly hire her?

Blogger was down all of yesterday, hence I could not update on time. So let's just pretend this stuff is all new to you! Have a great weekend.