just bring the drama.

News For the Month of December

2005-12-09T21:53:00.000-05:00

Hi. I'm Priscilla. I'm Candices bff. That's right I've spent many a night writing her civil war letters, making smoothies and quesidillas and watching MST3k while having a beer. I am very honored that she allowed me to submit some of my news stories to her infamous blog. I hope you find them good. Everything I write is true.

Here are some current headlines:

Abercrombie and Fitch to Make Models get Tattood'd

In recent news, Abercrombie has decided to create a more 'vintage appeal' to go with 2006's new line of, "dirty like a slave" collection. Models of course cannot be Black or Hispanic, or Chinese, but will however be forced into getting permanent tattoos of a dirty appearence. CEO of Abercrombie says he thinks this will make a lasting impression in society by "bringing back the old American look, to live the new American Dream". The top models of course will be getting special treament and at no additonal cost will be getting actual fabric numbers swen into their backs. To go with their new line, they need something really fucking hip, each shirt will come with Dave Matthews Band lyrics embrioded inside using 100% lycra and 85% spandex. The models claimed " as long as we keeping getting weed in return of standing in really strong poses when waves are crashing at our feet, we will do whatever it takes to make Abercombie a fashion staple in todays society. "

Before
....

After. Clearly an improvement.

Actress Jena Malone (Donnie Darko, United States of Leland) Is Really A Toungeless Sea Serpant.

clearly no tounge.

I knew there had to be something up when every role I have seen of this actress makes her sound like a fourteen year old boy with a retainer in trying to tell some girl he loves her. I was right! But how right?! My accusastions of Jena actually being a monster with no 'strongest muscle' in the body were DEAD ON! When I called her on it in at the red carpet premiere of some shitty movie she turned into a giant greenish flesh sack with scales and with a deep voice said something along the lines of, " I jusd wanted to be loved, itd so hard for me to be a schea scheaperent, i thoudt id make my family proud." and then she cried like a bitch. Holding her scaley appenendged in tow, she made out like Alec Mac and dissolved into a puddle of silverish water never to be seen again.

Florida New State Motto: Where Incompetency Thrives

We asked several persons at several gas stations what this new motto meant to them, their blank stares and "I donknows" told us Florida has finally made a good choice.

Virginia Angry At Hotel Bible Theif

Reports have been coming in that several men with curly hair, a naisly voice, and overlylarge noses have been raiding local motels at knife point demanding keys and stealing all the bibles replacing them with strange potato patties that authorities believe to be "some foreign like dish that must be from some foreign place." The suspects also reportidly had a schmitvah when "Georgie (one of the robbers) dropped several pennies. Cheif Depty Richard Brinkly said, " We think we have the main suspects." Later showing a picture of the Hamburglar.

This photo was submitted by a witness who happened to be drawing a charicature in the parking lot of the event.

Vattican to Introduce Innovative Bible Belt

The new "Bible Belt" was introduced by Italian designers and devout catholics in order to make religion a little more portable. Even more comfortable to carry than the pocket bible. Cardinal Thomas Aquanis stated, "not only is it a traditional form of praise, and very durable and light, it is EXTREMLEY easy to take off little boys."

The Christian Home Shopping Network reported the device as selling out within three seconds to ONE person, with the initials M.J.

Well it certainly has been a busy week in the world of news, please stay tuned for more truth.

Nicole Richie Likes Heroin!

2005-11-03T12:10:00.000-05:00

According to this article, Nicole would try heroin again if she had the opportunity. Because, really, it must be sooo hard to score heroin in her position. She'd try it again because "that's her personality". What the hell does that even mean? She enjoys being heated up in rusty spoons? She likes shooting needles in her arm? I don't get it. I also find it hard to believe that she's only "tried" heroin. It comes as no coincidence that basically every strung out addict you see is STICK FUCKING THIN. Yet, Richie claims that all her weight was lost naturally. Yes, naturally, she didn't eat and shot heroin all the time. Very natural, I'd say.
The article also goes on to detail that Nicole would like exactly five kids, three girls and twin boys. If the boys are not twins, they'll be thrown out and her and DJ AM will try again.
Even though her dad is trying to stick up for her and defend her weight loss by saying she's probably jus stressed from the wedding, Nicole is so hopped up on smack that she can't even see when her father is making excuses for her. She "had no idea what he meant by that". Man, this girl must have the brain power of a pea.
She should really cut down on the heroin.

Would You Want Jessica Simpson's Advice?

2005-11-01T18:44:00.000-05:00

It looks like Jessica just can't take it anymore. She's been seeing a therapist because all this gossip about her marriage being destroyed is, uh...actually destroying her marriage. Ironic. But the most interesting part of this article (although it's more of a blurb, really) is that Jessica mentions that "I would be a therapist if I weren't an entertainer."
Woah. Let's slow down here. Jessica Simpson, lisenced therapist? How could that possibly go well? I don't know if Jessica realizes that being a therapist means she has to string sentences together coherently that aren't already written for her. I can only imagine the things she would say to a suicidal patient, or (heh) a couple in need of marriage counseling.
"We don't even sleep in the same bed anymore. Is this normal, Dr. Simpson?" they might ask.
"That's perfectly natural, y'all! Me and my husband haven't slept in the same bed for three years! In fact, I don't even think we live with each other anymore. I'd have to ask my daddy about that."
Yes, I can see Jessica flourishing in the field of therapy. It's too bad she's got such a strong acting career, otherwise she might want to think about switching fields.

Her Dream, My Nightmare.

2005-10-25T17:36:00.000-04:00

I seem to gravitate towards items of interest that are either fake, possibly photoshopped, or just all around ridiculous. Today's bit of news is no different. The National Ledger reports that Katie Holmes may pull a Demi Moore and pose naked and pregnant for a willing and desperate magazine. I don't even care at this point if you think the relationship is real or not, just read this:
"Tom sees this baby as a gold mine of publicity." And Katie is willing to do whatever Tom wants."
I've never been a big fan of either of these celebrities (if Katie even really deserves that title. Dawson's Creek does not a star make! Just look at James Van Der Beek.) But the fact that Tom Cruise is using the birth of his first biological father (although that is also questionable) to boost his publicity is just sickening. Not to mention the fact that Katie is so brainwashed by those clams that she no longer has a mind of her own to object to anything Crazy Tom may throw her way. Next thing you know, he'll have her tour the United States by train, spouting the wonders of Scientology while wearing an L. Ron Hubbard mask.
This whole relationship makes me sick.

Paris Has Out-Parised Herself.

2005-10-24T15:29:00.000-04:00

Browsing Defamer, I came upon this little gem of a photo. Paris Hilton, on a runway somewhere, with nothing but a streaker jacket and some patterned underwear separating her from the elements. Unfortunately, if you take a closer look (and I did, although you might not want to), you may notice that Paris' anatomny is...less than desirable. I will freely admit that I don't come across that many nearly naked asses in my life, but I must point out the curiousness of Ms. Hiltons ass flap hanging down behind her brightly colored underwear. It looks sort of like a hooker's version of a mud flap, although I really do not want to ponder if it serves a similar purpose. I think there's some cameltoe action going on over there too, but I cannot bring myself to investigate that closely.
I'm not sure if she was about to take off in a series of cartwheels down the runway, but that is the only possible explanation for the pose captured in this photo. And while you can't make out too many of the faces in the background, you know that most of them are probably thinking "My ass looks better than that and I'm twice her age."
PS. Paris, those boots? Ugly.

That Sean Preston Kid.

2005-10-21T14:04:00.000-04:00

Well, I've got to hand it to Britney. She managed to name her child something normal, not like Venti Latte Cheeto Spears as we were all expecting, AND she also managed to keep her doomed little newborn out of the tabloids for a whole month. These pictures have finally leaked, and I'm fairly surprised at how they turned out. First, I'm shocked that K. Fed managed to free up time in his busy schedule for the shoot at all, what with all those, uh..beer runs he's been doing. Yeah.
Not only that, but the child has no discernible red bull stains on his little baby outfit. Kudos, young Sean! I am even tempted to call the picture in the bottom left corner "cute", although they may take away my celebrity blogging license for that one.
As long as they keep him out of baby manpris (babypris?) and away from flip-flops with socks, this kid may just turn out to be okay.
Especially if he's being raised by the nannies.

Thesis: Madonna is Batshit Insane.

2005-10-18T21:31:00.000-04:00

I am going to let you know, right here and now, I've never been a Madonna fan. Save for 'Don't Tell Me', I'm not sure I've even listened to one of her songs all the way through. And there's been a lot of Madonna in the news recently, so I thought I'd discuss it because frankly I'm getting tired of posting eight thousand links to stories about Jessica Simpson and writing what amounts to one paragraph.
First, there was this. Madonna apparently wears the pants in the family, because she doesn't allow her kids to have ice cream or milk. So, okay, Madonna wants her kids to have frail, brittle bones. Fine. She also doesn't allow them to watch television, or read magazines. Although I'm sure she encourages them to watch Swept Away as often as possible.
Madonna dear, I know that television and magazines can mold a young mind quite easily, but if you would just exercize some parenting skills instead of being a goddamned disciplinarian, your children might be happier. You totally know Lourdes (and maybe Rocco, if he's allowed anywhere out of the site of Lord Madonna) is totally going over to her friends houses and watching tv, all "You know, my mom doesn't let me watch MTV." Lourdes' friend would be like, "Excuse me, what? Your mother was the star of that channel for like ten goddamn years. What a bitch!" and then they probably paint their nails or something.
Oh and it doesn't stop there. Not only does Madonna like to embarass her children around their peers by not allowing them the same luxaries as everyone else with a hundreth of her budget, she also has to embarass Lourdes in the worst way possible to embarass a girl: making her wear the same clothes to school two days in a row. That's just harsh.
Next, Madonna preaches to no discernible choir. We are all slaves to the "material world" and it'll be our undoing and we're going to hell for...wait, what? What?? Are we just supposed to abandon every bit of modern life and hike up to the mountains and live off of goats milk for the rest of our lives? Bitch, what do you want from us? You want us to get rid of material possessions, fine. But that includes all your records. Yes, even your new one.

This One's For You, Shana.

2005-10-17T22:46:00.000-04:00

So I was surfing the internet today for my fill of celebrity gossip, as I am wont to do. And I came across this little gem. And clearly, it grabbed my attention enough to warrant an update.
So, Ashley Olsen (you know, the one who eats) is sitting in an Applebee's when some fans come up to her. And not just regular fans, who would be all like "SQUEE" and "OMGWTFBBQ" and stuff, but fans who looked like they were about to piss their pants. No, they didn't just want an autograph, or a picture, or some of her fries to sell on eBay. They wanted to watch her pee. Now I realize there are fetishists out there, thats all fine and dandy. But isn't that the type of thing that they make internet chat groups for? You aren't supposed to go up to celebrities, interrupt them while they're eating, and ask them to perform some slightly creepy act so they can get off on it.
So Ashley said yes. And I've got to give this girl a lot of credit, because how many celebrities would actually let their fans watch them pee?
So she goes and pees. But these crazy piss chicks wouldn't let her flush. They go in to check out her pee, and then pee in the same toilet.
And then they took pictures with her.
I feel like this is straight out of someone's nightmare.

Edit:
Well apparently this story isn't true. But I guess I should've known from the start. I mean, Ashley Olsen eating at Applebees? That did sound a little suspicious.

Today: Everybody Hates the Comeback.

2005-09-20T18:52:00.000-04:00

-I know I spent most of yesterday complaining about Kate Moss, and I was hoping I wouldn't have to do it again today. But I do, because she's been axed from H&M. And really, I don't feel bad.
-We all watched (or maybe slept through) Everybody Loves Raymond sweeping the Emmys for the thousandth time for a row. But it was okay, because the show's ending and their reign of terror would soon be over, right? Apparently not. There are actual talks of a spin-off (because we all know how well those do. Hi Joey!) revolving around Brad Garrett's character. Wake me when it's cancelled.
-Ashton Kutcher's voicemails may or may not be hacked. As defamer points out, his password spells PUNK, which might be a little too obvious, even for someone who starred in a movie called Dude, Wheres My Car?
-It looks like someone finally woke up over at HBO and actually got around to cancelling The Comeback. They also announced a second season of Rome and a third season of Entourage, in case you were worried.
-Jennifer Aniston claims she is "ready to date". Somewhere, Vince Vaughn is on his cell phone, looking nervous.

Today: Kate Moss Won't Go Away.

2005-09-19T23:21:00.000-04:00

-So, let's take a look at these weekend box office numbers, shall we?
1. Just Like Heaven $16.4M total: $16.4M
2. The Exorcism of Emily Rose $14.9M total: $51.6M
3. Lord of War $9.39M total: $9.39M
4. The 40 Year Old Virgin $5.97M total: $90.7M
5. Cry_Wolf $4.43M total: $4.43M
6. Transporter 2 $4.01M total: $36.5M
7. The Constant Gardener $3.62M total: $24.3M
8. Red Eye $2.86M total: $55.2M
9. Wedding Crashers $2.53M total: $204M
10. Marche de l'empereur, La $2.52M total: $70.4M
I don't know about you guys, but I'm more than a little surprised that Reese Whitherspoon has appeal that lasts beyond Legally Blonde and its sequel. Although its possible that some of those millions were attributed to confused fans of the Cure, much like goth Jared was. Half of the rest of this week's list I've never even heard of, so I'll just take that as a cue to move on to talking about people's horible hairstyles at the Emmys.
-Or you know what, let's talk about Kate Moss first. Because sure, we all heard about the one-woman cocaine rager. And the world collectively yawned. Because honestly? She's a model AND she's dating Pete Doherty. She was practically mandated to be on cocaine. However, she's taking things to the next drug-addled step by having lesbian three-ways. If Pete were actually coherent enough to understand what his girlfriend is doing, I'm sure he'd be thrilled.
-Jennifer Lopez does not learn. I cannot understand how making a movie with Marc Antony could possibly be successful, unless its a zombie flick and Marc has the title role.
-Oh wait, this just in. Kate dumped Doherty's ass again. Dry those tears kids, they'll be back to snorting and sexing it up by tomorrow or thursday the latest.
-Mad Magazine tries really hard to be relevent and make a joke about Lindsay Lohan but it falls about as flat as an episode of their show does. Which is to say, I'm dumber for having seen it.
-I'm a bit worried for Felicity Huffman's safety. When working on a show filled with catty women playing even cattier women, one has to watch their back at most every turn. Now that she's won an Emmy, I'd hate to see how much Teri Hatcher bribes Marc Cherry with to off Huffman's character. Or worse, I'd hate to see what Teri'd do to her dressing room.
-Oh, one more thing. Patricia Arquette, dear? Not even Gwen Stefani could make that work.

Today: Weekly Roundup of Things You Already Know

2005-09-16T14:24:00.000-04:00

The numbers say people are still stumbling upon this site. And the numbers don't lie, man. So I may as well give you something new to look at. If you're good I'll be back on Monday, too! And no, that isn't an empty promise.

-The Daily Mirror has ousted Kate Moss as a cocaine addict, which everyone pretty much figured already, but there were no grainy pictures to indicate. gawker posted the pictures earlier, but it looks like the Mirror's lawyers got to them already. So for those of you unfortunate enough to have missed the pictures, I'll try and recap: She's doing lines of coke. And laughing. And doing more lines of coke. Yeah, you really didn't miss much.
-Britney Spears has finally released her spawn into the world, and its name is...Preston Michael Spears. Or Sean Preston Spears, I don't even know anymore. There's no official name on her website (not like I went there to check or anything, I just hear things), so feel free to make the joke of your choice.
-What a tragedy. First, we learn that the Hollywood romance of Renee Zellweger and Cowboy Hat has dissolved. And in four months, no less! I was kind of hoping they'd last longer than the Spears-Federline travesty, hence my heartbroken tone. However, now it turns out that Ol' Squinty Face has cited fraud as the cause for annulment. But wait, before you get your panties all in a tangle, Zellweger backpedals furiously by saying that using the word fraud was"simply legal language and not a refection of Kenny's character." Yeah, sure Renee.
-For those of you comic book nerds eagerly anticipating the new Superman movie, here is some bad news to keep you crying in your room for the next week. "Romantic"? Oh Mr. Singer, I hope you know what you're getting yourself into.
-Matt Damon is engaged, and I wonder if Ben Affleck is going to show up drunk to the wedding. You know, just to spite Matt because Ben got hitched first or something.
-Lindsay Lohan has an old fashioned nip slip, which I somehow missed this week, probably every other post on defamer had to do with Britney Spears and it must've gotten lost.
-Jude Law and Sienna Miller are back together. Although by the time you're done reading this, they probably will have broken up again.
-Will Smith is turning into Samuel L. Jackson. And not in a good way.
-Chris Farley's lovechild. Yes, that Chris Farley.
-Check out this hilarious Celebrity-Way Call. Vince Vaughn's face is priceless.

Today: It's Late and I'm Tired.

2005-08-17T21:45:00.000-04:00

-Denise Richards puts her engagement ring back on, because it's been a while since anyone cared about her and Charlie Sheen's divorce.
-Check out some pictures from the filming of The DaVinci Code, complete with a greasy, lumpy Tom Hanks. Yeah, this is going to be great.
-Chris Martin finds a way to complain about his wife while making it sound like a compliment. If only he could put that much cleverness into his songs.
-Mary-Kate Olsen practices being forty by standing around in her housecoat smoking cigarettes and dancing with her imaginary friend.
-Looks like Britney Spears is having a boy...elephant. I kid, I kid! I'm sure it's just twins. Or, there's just one Spears Spawn in her belly and he's mooching off of her even more than K.Fed is.
-Someone must be mad at Jude Law. (perhaps for appearing in Closer?) Because they're spreading small penis rumorsall around the internet. Dude, no wonder Alice AND Anna left you!
-Jessica Simpson has seen the writing on the wall, and it says "design some jeans".
-Katie Holmes: her dream, my nightmare.
-Finally. Now everyone can have a piece of Lindsay Lohan. However, the accessories don't seem very up to date. There's no bashed in Mercedes, packs of cigarettes or bags of coke! I'm going to write to Mattel about this.
-A vague threat of the next Tom Cruise debacle to come. I'm scared. Please hold me.

Today: I Do it For the Kids!

2005-08-17T00:26:00.000-04:00

-Madonna falls off a horse, and now we'll have to contend with how "Kabbala saved her" or some other mystical bullcrap. Look for the ABC special, sure to be airing soon!
-It seems as though Hilary Duff has spent the last year in such a coke-induced haze (what? you know it's true.) that she failed to notice that Ashlee already tried that look. And just look where it got her, Duff. You better watch those shiny teeth of yours.
-Mariah Carey, lashing out because whatever album it is of hers she just released probably bombed, is pissed that Eminem is playing voice-mail messages of hers at his concerts. Allegedly the couple had an affair while working on her Charmbracelet (when the hell did that come out?) album. Carey denies the affair happened, and so do I because I don't remember reading a thing about it, so it can't possibly be true.
-If I were to report every day that Pete Doherty was sent to jail for possession of heroin, nine times out of ten I'd actually be right.
-It seems as though the "comedians" in charge of roasting Pamela Anderson fell short with jokes about her that didn't include talking about her breasts or Tommy Lee, so they went for Tom Cruise jokes instead. Not that I'm complaining, because I'm not.

I picked a really great time to dip my toes back into this, since I'm crusin' to Bermuda for a week, starting Saturday. Then it's back to college! I promise to be more diligent regarding jbtd, because each time I think about not updating it makes me a little sad inside. So I'm sticking with what works for now, even if it means irregular updates. But at least they're funny! Right?
...Right?

PS. Even though I have "Show comments in a popup window" checked to yes, I get no popup window. Any suggestions, faithful reader(s)?

Okay, So I Lied.

2005-08-04T23:56:00.000-04:00

No, I wasn't on vacation or anything. But the effort involved in order to post five days a week is more than I sometimes have. I have been considering switching styles and writing something with a weekly format instead. Problem is, I'm not really sure where I could go with that. So here's where you, my fabulous readers (all three of you) come in. If you have any suggestions as to how I could make my site better/more interesting/funny, etc please drop me an email at justbringthedrama@mac.com
-Candice

Today: The Scandal That Keeps on Rolling.

2005-06-30T19:06:00.000-04:00

-Self proclaimed bitter waitress ranks celebrities on how well they tip. Those of you lowly peons in the food service industry, take note: Elijah Wood tips well!
-Everything you need to spoil yourself for the upcoming ~~Anna Wintour Biography~~ Charlie and the Chocolate Factory movie.
-Ben and Jen the Second finally achieve what Bennifer : the Beginning could not- marriage. And also spawn, but I'm pretty sure you knew that already.
-Even Tom Cruise's attack on Oprah and subsequent mind-boggling interviews and actions couldn't keep people from filling them theatre seats. War of the Worlds raked in $34.6 million on its opening day worldwide. Way to go, guys. You do realize that if the movie doesn't suddenly sink down the charts after this weekend (a la Pearl Harbor) we will be seeing a lot more of Cruise's ugly mug in the future. Thanks a lot, America (and the foreign nations who were stupid enough to also contribute).
-ABC chucks Welcome to the Neighboorhood out with the trash, deeming the subject matter to be too sensitive. Or because they made the gay couple look irritating and didn't want to risk angering their entire community. Who knows.
-This is what dreams are made of: rumors compounding on the alleged "contract" Katie Holmes signed to marry Tom Cruise intend to obscure the fact that Cruise may have slept with Rob Thomas (The one from Matchbox 20, not the creator of Veronica Mars).

Today: Everyone Looks Desperate

2005-06-29T21:15:00.000-04:00

-Britney Spears plans to give birth to her Federline spawn in an Arizona hospital. That way, she won't look as trashy in comparison to the other mothers in the maternity ward.
-The ever reliable Star magazine tells us that Portia De Rossi and Ellen DeGeneres are looking to have kids.
-Ashlee Simpson pulls a Tara Reid and shows her nipple because her career is sinking.
-Nick Carter is sentenced to rehab . I guess that new Backstreet Boys didn't do as well as he'd hoped.
-The secrets out! Martha Stewart's Apprentice catch-phrase has been leaked. And damn, is it catchy!
-Tom Cruise chastises us all for not knowing what he knows, that there is obviously life on other planets. Thanks for the enlightenment, Top Gun.
-A chart of the highs and lows (or basically just the lows) suffered by The Comeback's "star" Valerie Cherish.
-Even though the chairman of AMC calls Cinderella Man a "special picture", its theatre chain is issuing refunds to dissatisfied viewers. So, wait. Exactly how does this help Cinderella Man become a success again?
-Own Marlon Brando's crap. Now you can pull a Matthew McConaughey in style with $1,000 bongos.
-DId you know that Scientology encourages abortion? Something tells me this is Scientology's own little "self-destruct" button.

Today: Jesus Christ is My Superhero!

2005-06-28T16:08:00.000-04:00

-Did you know that Avril Lavigne is recording a cover of John Lennon's "Imagine"?? (As if there were any other Imagine) To top that off, struggling famewhore Butch Walker (most notable for heading the Marvelous 3, and then shitting all over his solo career) will be producing. There are countless jokes I could make about the overturning soil on top of Lennon's grave, but we all saw that coming, didn't we?
-And as if that weren't enough Avril, rumors are floating that she and that guy with one too many y's in his name from Sum 41 are getting married. How punk rock.
-I'm not exactly sure why, but Gabe from the band Midtown decided to make a rebuttle to Gwen Stefani's opus, Hollaback Girl. Shockingly, the song is called Hollaback Boy and can be found here.
-ABC finally wakes up and realizes that by dumping the Miss America pageant and showing reruns of Desperate Housewives, they'll get way better ratings. And who took over the pageant, you ask? NBC? CBS? Fox Kids? No, but close! Country Music Television.
-Apparently, not only did Russell Crowe chuck a telephone at a Mercer Hotel concierge, he went all out and hurled a vase at him too.
-Angelina Jolie pregnant? Guys, get on the ball. This article should've been written months ago.
-Rosie O'Donnell has moved on from ripping off E.E. Cummings to ripping off my collages from 7th grade.
-As you probably know, Nike attempted to shit all over Minor Threat's infamous self-titled album cover by using it as an ad campaign for their totally punk rock shoes. Probably because they saw a picture of Ian MacKaye and someone got scared, they issued an apology. Of course, if it weren't for this clusterfuck, we wouldn't have ingenious threads like this one.
-The only thing L. Ronnie's book Dianetics seems to cure is insomnia, as a brave soul from Salon.com tackles the monster.
-Kids in the UK cite Jesus Christ as the figure they most identify with being a superhero. Uh huh. Following JC on that list were the next most obvious superheroes, David Beckham and Florence Nightingale.

Today: Shit, I Already Used "Back in Black", Didn't I?

2005-06-27T19:06:00.000-04:00

My "extended hiatus" has only made me realize how much fun this all is, even if it is a bit of work. So, I hope you kids appreciate it. Onward!

-You know things are bad when CNN takes a moment from talking about serial killers to make fun of Tom Cruise. And for the kids, Tom Cruise Kills Oprah.
-PETA wants us to vote on the five sexiest vegetarians. I don't know about you, but for me, its totally a toss up between Avril Lavigne and Reese Witherspoon.
-Kelly Osbourne channels Droopy the Dog. Notice also the tattoos of Jack & Daddy. Who are we, Brenda Chenowith?
-Real World: Austin; now with 75% more roommate hook-ups! (And 50% more unattractive housemates.)
-It seems as though Harry Knowles has been abuducted by Scientologists, because he states that Cruise guy's performance in War of the Worlds was "absolutely riveting". Someone's been drinking the Kool-Aid, methinks.
-The Monday Numbers:
1. Batman Begins $26.8M total: $122M
2. Bewitched $20.2M total: $20.2M
3. Mr. & Mrs. Smith $16.8M total: $125M
4. Herbie: Fully Loaded $12.8M total: $17.8M
5. Land of the Dead $10.2M total: $10.2M
6. Madagascar $7.3M total: $160M
7. Star Wars Ep. III $6.25M total: $359M
8. The Longest Yard $5.47M total: $142M
9. The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl in 3-D $3.42M total: $30.5M
10. Cinderella Man $3.3M total: $49.6M
Even digitally reducing Lohan's breasts couldn't save Herbie from barely grasping the number 4 spot for the weekend. There's a lesson in there, somewhere. Maybe not.
-Hermes finally apologizes for not treating Oprah like the fabulous superstar that she so rightly is.
-Is this some kind of subliminal message? I hope so.
-Remember that lawsuit against Peter Jackson I talked about when I still updated this thing regularly? Well it seems that someone at the Times is no Jackson fan, and let a quote slip in their article, calling Jackson "piggish". Now really, I don't think we need to stoop to the level of third grade nicknames based on weight issues, but then, I don't work for the Times.
-Newly dubbed " Brangelina" (because us gossip whores can't stop patting themselves on the back for the genius of "Bennifer" and desperately hope to relive it) are seen dirtbiking with Maddox, who is not old enough to appreciate how lucky he is to be sitting on the same bicycle seat as Brad "It's bleached for a role, I promise" Pitt.

Today: A Long-Overdue Word for the Masses.

2005-04-30T18:02:00.000-04:00

Hello, Five Readers of Just Bring the Drama,
I know you've been concerned, asking questions as to where your latest celebrity gossip can be found. I know you've been worried, I got your e-mails. Actually, no, I didn't. No one sent any. But the point is, I'm sure you are wondering why I've stopped updating in the past few weeks or so. I don't know why it took me song long to type up an explanation, but I guess the whopping two people who were nagging me for updates finally got to me.
I guess you could consider JBTD on hiatus for the time being, since its just about finals time and my head is ready to explode. As a college student, this was really just a fun side project for me. I spend a couple hours finding the best gossip for each day, write something witty about it, and then go do my real schoolwork. Thing is, I was spending more time doing research for the site than I was for research papers. This is bad, because I am not getting paid for this site, and college is supposed to propel me towards something where I will get paid. Hence, I put JBTD on the back-burner for a while, and it felt kind of good. I think the idea of updating this site five days a week was getting to be a bit of a burden, and it felt nice to just relax and not worry about having a deadline.
It is entirely possible that after school is over in a few weeks I will resume updates. However, I'll probably be working thirty-eight hour work-weeks at that point, so I can't promise too much. But don't worry, dear reader(s?) I will return someday.
-Candice

Today: Yes, This Was The Best I Could Do.

2005-04-15T19:35:00.000-04:00

-A glimpse into the future for Britney Spears- she goes to Baskin-Robbins and doesn't have enough money. Only in the future, there won't be any paparazzi standing outside to loan her ten bucks.
-Paris has found her new sidekick- Kimberly Stewart. And I'll continue to not watch.
-"The Wedding Singer" is being transformed into a Broadway musical. I can't even make a joke about that, I'm just too horrified.
-Why, as a matter of fact, I would like to see Fred Durst with his own talk show! I'm so glad you asked.
-If Britney Spears can't get work now, how does she expect to find any three months after she gives birth to her Federline spawn?

Today: Is It Friday Yet?

2005-04-14T19:57:00.000-04:00

-Nicole Richie leaves 'The Simple Life', probably to go work on that fabulous album of hers. Or maybe she quit because she forgot how to eat. In the meantime, the Hilton Heiress will need another buddy to play dumb with. Hey Lindsay, are you busy?
-Kim Cattrall goes from drinking Bacardi with random men to selling it.
-I think the whole world is just trying to copy Zoolander. Read how life imitates art, and Lindsay Lohan and Wilmer Valderrama have a dance off. Yes, I did say dance off.
-Speaking of Lindsay and ridiculous ideas, she's being looked at as a prospective for Clueless on stage. Like, gag me.
-If you want to find out about other shows that aren't Veronica Mars and if they'll be back to keep you from doing your homework next semester, take a look here.
-The funniest part is that this conversation has probably already occurred.

Today: If A Celebrity Gets Arrested and No One Cares, Did It Really Happen?

2005-04-13T20:12:00.000-04:00

-Memo for Orlando Bloom: I'm not sure that Brad Pitt is the right person to be asking about relationship problems. I hear he broke up with his wife a while ago, or something.
-Joan Rivers calls Brigette Nielsen a cunt. And I'm reporting it. So I guess I can't really make any jokes about reaching for attention or anything.
-Beyonce "Hot Pants are So in Right Now" Knowles and her mother are jumping on the celebrity-clothing line bandwagon. I'd make a joke about finding gold hot pants all over Macy's come the fall, but it was kind of obvious I was going to go there, wasn't it?
-Best Week Ever finds good, even amongst all the horror.
-Maybe this is why Katie Holmes broke up with Chris Klien.Even though it happened a month ago, and no one noticed. Except maybe Katie, of course. Now you'll probably be able to find him in AA.
-Because its a slow news day, here's Whitney looking homeless.
-All the crazy in Lindsay Lohan's family is finally getting to her...she's been stalking that weirdo ex of hers, Wilmer Valderrama.
-Another less than good review of Ashlee Simpson and her "performance" skills.

Today: The First Sign of the Apocalypse, Y'all!

2005-04-12T19:21:00.000-04:00

-It looks like Britney Spears has been hospitalized for "pregnancy complications", which I take to mean "Cheeto Overdose". Wait, stop the presses, y'all! She's announced on her official site that there really is a Federline Fetus in her belly. Is anyone else a bit nauseous?
Oh, stereogum has rendered photos of the possible Federline Fetus for your enjoyment.
-Mel Gibson yet another part of his slowly diminishing soul to take on an epic about the life of the Pope. You know the one.
-Mary-Kate and Ashley are looking to take over your household. First, you were tuned into your Full House/So Little Time/That Other Show They Did. Next, you popped in their straight-to-video DVDs. You plastered your walls with their pictures, your dressertops with their make-up, and your closets with their fashionable clothing line. But something was missing. So now, all you need is to throw out your furniture and replace it with Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen brand furniture. Oh, and don't forget to buy one of their rugs, otherwise you're like totally not a true fan.
-Oh, how the mighty have fallen. Paris Hilton is designing jewelry for dogs. Because dogs are all about slut couture.

PS. Only five more episodes of Veronica Mars left until we discover who killed Lilly Kane. Did I mention this show got renewed? Yeah, go watch it.

Today: How Did Sahara Make Eighteen Million Dollars?

2005-04-11T20:27:00.000-04:00

-Britney Spears hates "false" tabloids, but she has no problem talking to a fourth-grader for her school newspaper.
-Yet another Dunst/Gyllenhaal fake out. When will these crazy kids learn that after you keep crying wolf so many times, people will eventually stop caring?
-Once you've been in the public eye long enough, deserved or not (I'm looking at YOU, Ashlee), you would think that an understanding of how not to show off your underwear would be reached.
-The Monday Numbers:
1. Sahara $18.5M total: $18.5M
2. Sin City $14.1M total: $50.7M
3. Fever Pitch $13M total: $13M
4. Guess Who $7.1M total: $51.1M
5. Beauty Shop $7.1M total: $26.4M
6. Robots $4.65M total: $111M
7. Miss Congeniality 2: You Know The Rest $4.12M total: $37.5M
8. The Pacifier $3.03M total: $100M
9. The Ring Two $2.9M total: $72.3M
10. The Upside of Anger $2.6M total: $12.4M
Where did Ice Princess go?
Note to Jimmy Fallon: Stop, right where you are. No, I don't care if you were sleeping. You get out of bed, you call Lorne Michaels, and you tell him you're sorry. Very, very sorry, and could you please tell Tina Fey the same thing? I think they'd appreciate it.
-Have I mentioned that Veronica Mars got renewed? Yes, about a thousand times? Well, I just need to revel in the news again.
-Do you want to rock and roll all night, and watch bad reality television all day? Well Gene Simmons is taking that idea all the way to the bank (and VH1).
-We all know how Ashlee Simpson has a problem with lip synching, but apparently she doesn't have a problem being airbrushed on the cover of Portuguese Cosmo.
-The conspiracy about Britney's interview with a fourth-grader gets cracked wide open. I knew it was just too good to be true.

Today: Better Late Than Never.

2005-04-09T13:13:00.000-04:00

-Christopher Guest gives up on the mockumentary genre.
-Further proof that Tim Burton is crazy
-Us Weekly's least shocking cover ever.
-Jennifer Lopez wants people to call her Jennifer Anthony, so she can get as much use out of her husbands name as possible until she divorces him.
-Meet and greet info for Veronica Mars fans. If you live in or around the Boston or NYC metro area, I expect your asses to be there in full force.
-I guess Teri Hatcher has a lot of time on her hands. At least, enough time in between shoots to doodle all over the Vanity Fair with her and her cast-mates on the cover.
-Ashlee Simpson's backstage rider includes pickle relish. How can that possibly be good for her acid reflux? Pre-recorded drumming sequences? In case he pushes the wrong button, perhaps?
-I think the last thing that Beyonce needsa doll, to feed her ego and make her wonder why there are there dolls and not just one.
-Anna Nicole Smith is writing for the National Enquirer, because what legitimate newspaper would possibly hire her?

Blogger was down all of yesterday, hence I could not update on time. So let's just pretend this stuff is all new to you! Have a great weekend.

Today: The Real Reason Childen Go To School.

2005-04-07T20:39:00.000-04:00

-Madonna's children are now fluent in french so they can talk about how bad their mom was in Swept Away without her knowing.
-All your questions about Britney's hop on the reality bandwagon can be answered here, UPNs official site for her show.
-Some crazed woman who thinks Colin Farrell could take enough time out of his busy schedule to stalk her has failed a lie-detector test.
-The Duff Sisters, looking to surpass the annoyance of the Simpson sisters, are set to star in the "comedy" Material Girls. Hillary's re-recording and subsequent bastardization of Madonna's "Material Girl" is reportedly what inspired the movie deal.
-It's official- Michael Bay will ruin the Transformers movie.
-Green Day billboard banned for being "distasteful". Well, maybe they are just really hardcore Dookie fans.
-Britney Spears is banned from taking care of her step-son, because it took Shar this long to realize how incompetent her baby-daddy's new girl is. However, she's still letting the crazy couple look after her two year old Kori, probably because Kori has a higher IQ than Britney and is capable of looking after herself.

Today: Everyone Has An Album These Days.

2005-04-06T20:35:00.000-04:00

-Britney and Kevin travel to Vegas, and get separate rooms. Page Six does the snarking for me: "An emergency meeting was called, but only because Britney was afraid her dog, Bit Bit, was pregnant by [brother] Brian's dog, Porkchop — and that would be incest. For the record, Bit Bit is a chihuahua and Porkchop is a bulldog. "
-Shannen Elizabeth is shacking up with some other man merely a month after announcing her divorce from Beefcake Reitman. By the way. have you seen her nails? Ew.
-I didn't know Lisa Marie had a new album out, and I also didn't know she's decided to become Drew Barrymore.
-Via stereogum, Art Makes Britney Thirsty.
-I don't normally care about Coldplay, but stereogum's readers attempt to decipher the latest album cover, with hilarious results.
-There's a new Bond in town, and his name is...Dnaiel Craig?
-The cover of Kelly Osbourne's latest CD has her contemplating the deeper meanings in life, like how much it will cost her to biggie size the number four meal at Wendy's.

Today: Let's Get Hitched In Vegas!

2005-04-05T19:51:00.000-04:00

-First Bruce Willis, now Christian Slater? Miss Lohan sure does have a Daddy Complex, doesn't she?
-Britney Spears signs a deal with UPN for a reality show based on her adorable marriage to Kevin Federline. She's hoping to "contradict the tabloid media's misguided portrayal of her private life". Yeah, those tabloids are wack, Britney. They don't show you eating Cheetos and Red Bull nearly as often as you actually do.
-I refuse to acknowledge that there is a new Charlie and the Chocolate Factory poster up, because this movie fills me with a burning hate too intense to describe. Besides, Johnny Depp looks like Anna fucking Wintour.
-The Other Olsen, aka Ashley, decided she needed to get a dog also.
-Despite what some other sites may have to say, I'm excited about Lords of Dogtown. Hopefully it can capture at least a portion of the awesome that Dogtown and the Z-Boys did.
-ABC News' Peter Jennings lets us in on a little secret- he's got lung cancer. But he's determined to keep broadcasting through treatment.
-Mary-Kate Olsen is spotted with yet another man who is supposedly her boyfriend and is almost old enough to be her father. I wonder what they talk about over dinner.
-Watch the tv spot for the movie that is sure to garner Paris Hilton an Oscar nom, House of Wax.
-Attempting to brush the last bits of Tom Cruise off her shoulders, Penelope Cruz may or may not be getting married to her boyfriend Matthew McConaughey.
-Kirsten Dunst and Jake Gyllenhaal are reportedly getting married (to each other!) so they can have little fugly babies.

It's Tuesday, so its time for an Obligatory Veronica Mars Reminder. Only six epsisodes left!

Today: The Future Is Full of Bad Movie Prospects.

2005-04-04T20:05:00.000-04:00

-Have you ever wondered what it would be like if Woody Allen was on 'Cribs'? I haven't, but apparently Gawker has.
-The Monday Numbers:
1. Sin City $28.1M total: $28.1M
2. Beauty Shop $13.5M total: $13.5M
3. Guess Who $13M total: $41.3M
4. Robots $10M total: $105M
5. Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous $8.39M total: $31.4M
6. The Pacifier $6.06M total: $96.4M
7. The Ring Two $5.8M total: $68.1M
8. The Upside of Anger $4.12M total: $8.7M
9. Hitch $3M total: $171M
10. Ice Princess $2.55M total: $18.6M
I am devastated by these numbers. How did Ice Princess end up at number ten?
-I was quietly minding my own business yesterday, eating my lunch, when lo and behold, I stumbled across Michael Douglas looking like a zombie corpse after a supposed face left. Perhaps he just has a starring role in George Romero's new film? In any case, I would recommend staying away from food for at least half an hour after viewing this picture.
-Oh Scientology. If you ever figure out your stance on homosexuality, let us know, okay?
-When the world stops caring about your sister's sex scandals and her phone hacking, the only thing left to do is launch a hideous clothing line.
-Last week was pretty rough. The Pope and Mitch Hedberg died, and Neil Young was hospitalized for a brain aneurysm. Luckily we weren't three for three, and Neil Young is recovering just fine.
-Jason Mewes will finally be able to out-act someone when he stars with Paris Hilton in a new movie.
-The Michael Jackson Candlelight Vigil: because some people don't have jobs...Or a life.
-Pretty In Pink 2: John Hughes Needs Money Boogaloo.

Today: Back In Black.

2005-04-01T18:00:00.000-05:00

-George Clooney raises his cool factor exponentially by announcing April Fool's Day is for amateurs, and subsequently striking fear in the hearts of every single Hollywood friend he has.
-Sin City opens today. Frank Miller fans, prepare to cream your nerdy little shorts, because it seems to be getting stellar reviews all around.
-PETA's new ad featuring the Star Jones look-alike (drag queen), Flotilla DeBarge.
-Brad Pitt gives up his Hollywood mansion, after hearing his soon to be ex wanted to keep it. Don't worry, Brad. I'm sure about six million women in this country would be glad to put you up for however long you need.
-Another unnecessary remake: Casablanca. Starring...Paris Hilton? Sigh.
-Everyone is worried about health these days, even Cookie Monster.
-I'm sure if you have looked at a website at all today, you've seen reports of the Pope in critical condition, perhaps even reading he's dead. It's not looking good for him, unfortunately. I'm not Catholic or religious, but I've gotta give my prayers to a guy with a picture like this.
-Britney Spears is desperate, but apparently not desperate enough. Britney's been begging for a cameo role on Desperate Housewives, but the producers have turned her down.
-Notorious B.I.G could be on the B.I.G. screen by you in the near future.
-For those of you who don't know, Mitch Hedberg was a comedian who did your typical stoner schtick. As in, one joke about yogurt would last about twenty minutes because of all the pauses. I was, in fact, just discussing him the very night before I heard he passed away. I can't say he was my favorite comic, but I do regret missing his show at my school mere months ago. He was a good guy, he made me laugh when we put on his CD during work. He will be missed.
PS. He died in Jersey hotel room, which is probably the way I'd want to go.
-Well maybe if Justin Timberlake drove in New Jersey, he wouldn't have this kind of mishap. Someone else would be "filling his tank", so to speak.

No sir, the gossip keeps on rolling, even while on vacation. Florida was great, I got sunburned and never got to see Against Me!. I'll see all of you here on Monday.

Today: Last One For The Road.

2005-03-25T19:30:00.000-05:00

-Paula Abdul, everyone's favorite barely-lucid American Idol judge, throws a fit after she learns she's being pressed with hit and run charges.
-Most of us in the media gossip industry have all but cringed and burned this rumor out of our poor brains, but Star really wants Demi Moore to be pregnant with Kutcher's demon spawn. Only time will tell, of course.
-Britney Spears has apparently forgotten she's a huge star with millions of dollars, because her summer plans include working at her dad's fast-food restaurant. I give her three hours before she either loses a finger or burns the place down.
-Lindsay Lohan prepares for a severe ass-kicking after she slams oscar winners. Apparently all they have to do is "look ugly, be naked or be a lesbian or gain weight." Yeah, they don't have to ACT or anything, Lindsay. I hope your foot tastes good.
-Denise Richards arrives home to find an official court notice at her front gate. Seems Sheen isn't willing to go without a fight. Watch out kids, this is going to get real ugly.
-T-Shirt Hell, because why make a joke, when you can wear it?
-Yasmine Bleeth, rode hard and hung out to dry.
-And as if Lindsay Lohan didn't have enough family problems, her grandmother is selling videos of her as a young kid.
-Jessica Simpson, wearing a shirt that is supposed to be funny because its ironic, but is really sad because it's true.
- Again with the Britney Spears pregnancy rumors.

I'm off to Florida on spring break. I'll be back next Friday for more delicious gossip.
Enjoy your Easter-related activities!

Today: There's Never Too Much Britney.

2005-03-24T20:01:00.000-05:00

-I don't think its possible for Britney Spears to appear in a set of photos without her mouth being open at least once. And another set to further prove my theory. While we're on the subject, is Brit heading for another divorce? I hope not, since my bet was on two years. Although the fact that he totally threw away the birthday decorations she got for him doesn't good. Latest speculation is that marriage problems are stemming from Britney's eating habits. She gained a whole EIGHT POUNDS from chowing down on her mom's home cooking when she went back to Kentwood earlier this year. Gosh, eight pounds. What a heffer.
-If Mary-Kate Olsen is a fashion icon, then I'm Elvis' daughter.
-If you're in the market for a new diet, here's an idea. Read the latest on Michael Jackson and his shrine to Macaulay Culkin, and his stash of creepy porn magazines. You probably won't be able to eat for a week.
-I think Russell Crowe is trying to say that his band is breaking up, but its kind of hard to tell because he doesn't seem to be able to write a coherent sentence. Stick to acting, dude.

Today: Short And Not So Sweet.

2005-03-23T20:32:00.000-05:00

-Freddie Prinze Jr. needed to get out of the house so badly that he mistakenly signed up for a pilot with Brian Austin Greene for ABC.
-Jennifer Aniston gives the press a swift kick in the ass, telling them to shut up about her and Brad Pitt.
-Now available, the Mary-Kate and Ashley shag collection. No, I mean area rugs, silly.
-These lyrics may or may not be from Will Smith's new album, also known as The Worst Thing I've Ever Read. If you want another good laugh, have a look at the cover art which clearly took ten minutes in photoshop.
-The least essential DVD collection ever: Pimp My Ride.

Today: Here's One For You, Horror Movie Fans.

2005-03-22T21:22:00.000-05:00

-Al Reynolds has "left" his job at Merrill Lynch, presumably to spend more time at home listening to Star bitch about he View co-hosts. I give it a month until it comes out of the closet.
-Thomas Hayden Church will be portraying the next for Spiderman to fight, although Sam Raimi refuses to announce just who Church will be playing.
-Ben Affleck figures that if he directs a movie maybe someone will forget he's involved and actually go see it.
-Fox orders a third season of the OC, so my Seth Cohen
fantasies will continue uninterrupted at least until next May.
-George Romero is working on a new zombie flick. I predict this one to be called "Afternoon of the Dead" or maybe even "Late Evening of the Dead".
-In more horror movie news, Robert Englund attempts to convince Jamie Curtis to flim another Halloween movie. Englund is hoping to team up with Michael Myers and beat the shit out of Curtis for making "Freaky Friday".

Today: Unsubstantiated Rumors are Good Enough for Me to Base My Life Upon.

2005-03-21T20:02:00.000-05:00

- Adam Duritz accosts Mary-Kate Olsen, and now she has a viable excuse for spending the rest of her life in rehab. There are a lot of freaks out there Mary-Kate honey, and yes, some of them have banged famous people. It's a strange world.
-The Monday Numbers:
1. The Ring Two $36M total: $36M
2.. Robots $21.8M total: $66.9M
3. The Pacifier $12.5M total: $72.3M
4. Ice Princess $7.01M total $7.01M
5. Hitch $6.6M total: $159M
6. Be Cool $5.8M total: $47.2M
7. Hostage $5.8M total: $19.3M
8. Million Dollar Baby $4.0M total: $90M
9. Diary of a Mad Black Woman $3.5M total: $47.8M
10. Constantine $2.3M total: $70.4M
Here we are, completely unsurprised by The Ring Two's sweep at the movies this weekend. It was a certifiable bankroll, yet somehow its numbers still seem disappointing. Although as long as it breaks even with Constantine, it will still be a winner in my book.
-Pat O'Brien has checked himself into rehab for an alcohol problem. Maybe he started hitting the bottle after reading this article on defamer.
-Well, this just made my day. As if the first one wasn't good enough, now there are plans for a Butterfly Effect 2 : Electric Boogaloo. Only this time the movie might actually be good, because there will be no taint of Ashton Kutcher. So, there go such classic lines as "But MooooOOOOooom, I NEED those books!". A real shame.
-Fametracker kicks off a quirky new feature, Celebrity Vs. Thing, because they really want to strech a metaphor about bagels and Catherine Zeta-Jones and get me to care.
-Kirsten Dunst and Jake Gyllenhaal are so private that no one even knew they were back together again. It was all a sham to fool the reporters. Wow, you've got to feel pretty stupid when tha couple pulls the wool over your eyes.
-As if the disappointing reviews of The Ring Two aren't enough to break my spirit, there are talks of an American trilogy. And as with 90% of the trilogies we know, Ring number Three would probably be a prequel. Oh, the excitement. Watch it drain out of my body.
-No, this isn't last week. Michael Jackson actually showed up late to court again. This time, he actually pretended he was in pain, but ditched the pajama pants look. I am just waiting for Judge Melville to bag his ass.
-According to an unnamed source from my archaeology class who went to school with Lindsay Lohan, she is certifiably the "biggest bitch ever" and "her boobs are totally fake". I just wanted to clear up those rumors for everyone.

PS. Thanks to the band Against Me! for today's title. I'll be getting killed in their mosh pit in only nine days!

Today: Karma's A Bitch.

2005-03-18T18:55:00.000-05:00

-CBS is looking to make (even more) money off of Martha Stewart, courtesy of a biopic.
-Paris Hilton is one tough bitch. She wants Paris (her boyfriend, remember?) to remove his tattoo of his ex-girlfriend, or he can kiss Paris' ass goodbye.
-I am sure it will come as a complete shock to those of you following the Lohan Clan that Michael Lohan was arrested and charged with DWI. Somehow he managed to stumble out of the car before it went up in flames, similar to his life presently.
-Hopefully all that voting did some good. E! Online's 'Save One Show' Poll results were announced, and Veronica Mars totally kicked major network ass, taking in 56% of the vote.
-You remember way back when I told you Christina Aguilera was bashing celebrity clothing lines, right? And then we were totally by the fact that she was getting her own clothing line? Well it seems like her karma has caught up to her, because her clothing line has been axed.
-Hey comic book nerds, more news for you today. Parker Posey is going to be playing Kitty Koslowski in your much-anticipated Bryan Singer-helmed Superman project.
-This is probably the funniest thing that I've read all day. There goes the neighborhood, Mulder.

Today: More Proof That The French Hate Everyone.

2005-03-17T19:33:00.000-05:00

-Julia Stiles gets her way and will be starring in her very own adaptation of Sylvia Plath's novel, the Bell Jar. So now you all know, when Stiles wants something, she will throw a big hissy fit to get her way.
-Brittany Murphy totally denies doing coke. She's, like, just naturally skinny and high-strung. Duh! She's never even SEEN cocaine!
-Defamer has an interesting piece on Simpsons creator Sam Simon, who was on Howard Stern talking about the episode written for Michael Jackson. He remembers that CMJ wanted a script change so that "his character could spend more time with Bart". As if that wasn't creepy enough, Simon also mentions that someone gave CMJ a Bart Simpson doll, and Jackson would kiss it.
-What kind of world are we living in where no one bids on Mary Kate Olsen's thong? For the small price of fifteen dollars, you too can be one step closer to a registered a sex offender for having an Olsen twin's underwear to sniff.
-Molly Shannon finally spits out her second spawn, Nolan Shannon Chestnut. Well, with a name like that, he's sure to keep bullies away. Well, unless those bullies are afraid of really Irish people.
-The Gap ditches Sarah Jessica Parker in favor of Joss Stone for their latest ad campaign. As long as she isn't badly covering rock songs in the commercials (I can never forgive her for the mess she made of "Fell In Love With A Girl") I guess I don't have a problem with it.
-Coming to a theatre near you: Kelly Osbourne as Wednesday Addams.
-Hey comic book nerd, don't worry. I've got a little something for you too. Seems that Joss Whedon, creator of the infamous Buffy the Vampire Slayer Universe has been signed to write and direct a live action version of "Wonder Woman" for Warner Bros.
- This is just laden with the schaden. Julie Delphy is basically accusing Beyonce of totally raping the French language. I love it.

Today: There's Always Someone Watching. Or Listening.

2005-03-16T20:14:00.000-05:00

-Yeah, Lindsay Lohan was totally sober when this happened. Just My Luck, eh? Oh, I crack myself up!
-Demi Moore's publicist, afraid to even touch the idea of a Moore-Kutcher demon love child, denies the rumors to keep his piece of mind.
-Apparently Hilary Swank can't pony up $150, because she's been fined for not declaring fruit in her luggage and is making a big enough fuss about it for me to report it.
-My new favorite indulgence: Dan's (from RW/RR Inferno II) blog
-Gawker got the exclusive transcript of Jay Leno and CMJ's accuser. And there Leno goes, screwing up everything, say the kid sounded " rehearsed". I'm not sure that you're really one to be calling people "rehearsed", Mr. King of Late Night.
-For the none of you that care, pictures of Alyson Hannigan enjoying herself and walking with some guy who isn't her husband.
-Okay, so like guys? We're totally going to get the real truth on wether or not Ashton knocked up Demi Moore (10th item down) when he goes on TRL! OMG maybe he's like totally PUNKING us???

Today: Sweet Sweet Schadenfreude.

2005-03-15T20:00:00.000-05:00

-Star magazine totally wants us to believe that Demi Moore is pregnant with Ashton Kutcher's demonic love child, but I'm gong to remain skeptical for the sake of my sanity.
- Pictures of Nicole Richie giving directions to some guy in a Porsche are being horribly misconstrued into other, less noble possibilities. She's, like, totally a prostitute, guys. That Simple Life show just isn't bringing in the cash.
-Showtime, under the guise that people are actually watching Fat Actress, decide to rush the first season out on DVD. And yet I have a hard time finding volume four of Mystery Science Theatre 3000. What is wrong with this world?
-Haven't you heard that small chihuahuas are all the rage? You have? Well now you can be the most popular kid on your block with the animated "Tinkerbell & BitBit talk on the phone about their respective owners" livejournal icon!
-Hey, you remember Bijou Phillips, right? She's that crazy bitch who is dating one of the clams from That 70's Show. She also enjoys a good nip slip and walks on the beach late at night.
-Salma Hayek is looking to pull a Charlize Theron because that, along with playing a/looking like a boy, (Yes, I'm looking at you, Swank) is the only way to Oscar glory.
-The sweet sweet irony in all of this is that Christina said only a week or so ago how tacky it is that every celebrity has their own clothing line. And I totally wrote about it here.

Today: Pieces of Britney

2005-03-14T20:16:00.000-05:00

-Pete Doherty and Kate Moss are now engaged. I don't know whether this means more or less rumors about them breaking up every ten minutes.
- Sigh. Britney, just shut up already, would you? How can you possibly be upset when a magazine prints things YOU TOLD THEM?
-The Monday Numbers:
1. Robots $36.5M total $36.5M
2. The Pacifier $18.1M total: $54.4M
3. Be Cool $10.3M total: $38.4M
4. Hostage $9.84M total: $9.84M
5. Hitch $8.7M total: $150M
6. Million Dollar Baby $5.08M total: $84M
7. Diary of a Mad Black Woman $5M total: $44.1M
8. Constantine $3.65M total: $66.3M
9. Man of the House $1.8M total: $16.6M
10. Cursed $1.56M total: $17.8M
-Some dude from Maroon Five tells Creed to suck it, about a year too late.
-I cannot help but laugh at the notion of Tom Cruise and Usher starring in a movie together.
-Ashlee Simpson: now available for bat mitzvahs!
-UPN, no stranger to picking up major network's sloppy seconds, is going to air a comedy based on Chris Rock's life.
-Britney Spears is master of the hair extention. Oh, also? She feels bad for Michael Jackson. Hmm...a person who grew up in the spotlight without any idea about how the real world works feeling bad for another person who grew up in the spotlight without any idea about how the real world works? That's just crazy.

Today: Career Suicide?

2005-03-11T20:00:00.000-05:00

-Yeah, so remember yesterday when I told you guys that Bruce Willis was caught groping Lindsay Lohan? Well it turns out that was totally wrong because the witness was one letter off with Lohan's ass tattoo. So much for reliable sources!
-Imagine Teri Hatcher. Okay, now picture her looking high and perhaps like her mother, and you've got Teri circa five days ago.
- Fametracker closed its forums this morning, but hey, please don't leave! We audited Kevin Coster, isn't that great? Kevin Who? Yes! That's exactly what we wrote! See, now you have to read it. Please stay and read our other wordy, unentertaining "articles". Please?
-Avril Lavigne's latest video features her with both angel wings and devil horns. Oh Avril, thats so punk rock!
-Even though there's a gag order that initially kept Jay Leno from making CEMJ jokes, it looks like Leno is now free to be as unfunny as he wants. Maybe Judge Melville is a fan.
-Even Jon Heder is getting sick of hearing people quoting Napoleon Dynamite. Memo to every single college freshman alive: SHUT UP.
-It all comes crashing down for Britney Spears and her clean, completely trashtastic-free fantasy life, as K.Fed's ex tells press that he "smells". Wow, you know, I never would have guessed that sort of behavior from such a clean-shaven, well put together man such as himself.
-Continuing coverage on the 'Wilmer Valderrama knows his fifteen minutes are almost up, so he stirs some shit up by dating Ashlee Simpson' situation.
-CEMJ's family are "worried" that he might commit suicide is he is convicted. This is impossible for a few reasons. Firstly, Michael Jackson is no longer human (most of his body parts have been replaced with plastic) thus, he cannot truly die. Plus, he is way too much of a pussy to ever kill himself.
- Kelly, Venus, and a Camel.

Today: Y'all Are Jus' Jellus!

2005-03-10T22:47:00.000-05:00

-Why anyone would want to fight over Wilmer Valderrama is beyond me.
-Because she clearly does not get enough love from her own dad, Lindsay Lohan was caught groping it up with Bruce Willis. Yes, that Bruce Willis. The bald, old one.
-Britney Spears is getting jealous of all the attention her husband is getting. Somehow, she thinks that "every girl in America wants her man". Fortunately for her, the majority of us are NOT blind, so don't worry Brit. We won't be all up ons that anytime soon.
-Today's Trial of the Century Update: Judge Melville issues an arrest warrant, Jackson gets treated for "severe back problems" and Jackson finally shows up, all ready for sleepy time in his pajamas! Don't you wish you were there?
-Angelina Jolie talks loudly about having sex with women, probably because everyone in the world has just about stopped caring whether she broke up Brad and Jennifer's marriage.
-Julia Stiles cries alone in the corner of her room because she was turned down for the role of Esther Greenwood in a film adaptation of The Bell Jar. Yeah, it was definitely a conspiracy, Julia. You were so, like, MEANT for that role! I'm sure Sylvia is rolling in her grave at the injustice of it all.
-Jennifer Lopez forgets all she knows about women's gestation periods by baring her stomach to dispel rumors that she's pregnant, except that, you know, if the pregnancy rumors only started two weeks ago, YOU WOULDN'T BE SHOWING.

Today: A Gentleman Always Sends Flowers

2005-03-09T20:59:00.000-05:00

-It looks like Gawker's letter to Fred Durst really got to him, because Fred relented and sent them flowers and a note apologizing. Unfortunately, he didn't apologize for Nookie. Oh and Limp Bizkit turns nine! Isn't that adorable? Look how much they've grown!
-Did anybody know that Steve Madden was in jail? Does anyone care? Just as long as he continues making those fabulous shoes!
- This will probably be the best Friday the 13th movie ever made.
-Ashlee Simpson has had a rough year? I had no idea. But now, a paying crowd of "fans" got to listen to her whine about it. I'm sure they got what they paid for.
-After being "inspired" by the positive results from Sharon's surgery, the King of Darkness himself went out and got a nosejob. Do you hear that sound? It's thousands of Black Sabbath fans crying over their records and moldy t-shirts.
-Okay, I can admit when I don't know jackshit about stuff. For instance, I barely know who 50 Cent is, I certainly don't know who The Game is, so it is reasonable to assume that I have no idea why they are fighting or capping each others asses or whatever it is that rappers do when they get into a fight with other rappers. But today's Best Week Ever helped to explain the matter so even a a white cracker girl like myself could understand. Thanks, Best Week Ever!
-I don't know if you can believe it, but Eva Longoria was once ugly, like pretty much everyone was up until senior year when all that acne started to fade. Yeah, props to you Eva, for not making a big deal of it or anything.

Today: Divorce & DUIs: Always Good PR!

2005-03-08T20:37:00.000-05:00

-Mostly because people don't really remember who Shannon Elizabeth is anymore, she pulls a great PR stunt and splits from her husband, who kind of looks like Xzibit, you know, if Xzibit were white and fat.
-Backstreet Boy Nick Carter lives up to his potential, getting busted for a drunk driving charge. Guaranteed, this will make a most excellent segment during his E! True Hollywood Story and/or Behind the Music.
-Celebrity gossip's most reliable source, The Sun, is reporting that Brad and Jennifer are going to give it the ole' college try. Again. With counseling. Now people, try not to get your hopes up. I know its been a rough week, what with the Sheen/Richards split, the Elizabeth/Some Guy split, and the Holmes/Klein split, but perhaps America's Favorite Couple can beat the odds once more..
-Britney Spears to appear topless in a magazine, hundreds of hours worth of overtime for photoshopping/airbrush artists to follow.
-Since Justin Timberlake signed on to play Elton John in a biopic, he is demanding revisions of the script. He wants it to include more sex and drug taking, because apparently the rest of the crew has abandoned this project and now he's directing it as well. But don't worry, this movie will never get made, Timberlake at the helm or not.
-Matthew Perry, or his anorexic twin brother? Matthew, let me tell you something. I know that since Friends ended, most of the cast members have either exploded or burnt out, but that doesn't mean you have to let yourself go like this. Just slip away quietly, into oblivion, like 90% of the other sitcom stars of yesteryear.
-If you were interested in reading fragmented poetry by Rosie O'Donnell, you are in luck, because she has joined the blogging community!

Today: Sloppy!

2005-03-07T21:33:00.000-05:00

-The Monday Numbers:
1. The Pacifier $30.2 M total: $30.2M
2. Be Cool $23.5M total: $23.5M
3. Hitch $12.5M total: $138M
4. Diary of a Mad Black Woman $12M total: $38.1M
5. Million Dollar Baby $8.51M total: $77M
6. Constantine $6M total: $60.5M
7. Cursed $3.88M total: $15.3M
8. Man of the House $3.5M total: $13.9M
9. Because of Winn-Dixie $3.45M total: $27M
10. The Jacket $2.67M total: $2.67M
-Well, this is rather unfortunate. It seems that Fred Durst has decided he's important enough to sue the internet for $80 million. That sounds like something Dr. Evil would do. I guess it would be pertinent to add that he's suing the websites that "leaked" (like it was OUR fault) his sex tape. So yeah, that pretty much constitutes every website ever. Gawker writes Fred a letter in response. (I'm pretty sure they don't have $80 million)
-Brigitte Nielson marries her sixth, and probably not her last, man. Flava-flav is heartbroken, somewhere.
-Urban Outfitters, in an attempt to simultaneously make fun of and cash in on Paris Hilton, present to you a new t-shirt fit for hipster consumption.
- Dapper Danger does what all of us bloggers wanted to, but couldn't, in taking a job (I don't know if being an extra is really a job, per se.) as an extra on Ms. Lohan's current film, Just My Luck. If you are surprised that the cast "can't act" and is "kind of stupid", well, then you were going to see the movie anyway, weren't you?
-As soon as Shrek 2 exploded all over the country with ubiquitous yogurt campaigns and various breakfast cereal tie-ins, we were all fairly certain we could count on a Shrek 3 in our lifetime. But had we counted on a Shrek 4? Yeah, probably.

Today: Tabloid Pictures Are Good For Something.

2005-03-04T16:37:00.000-05:00

-Rosie O'Donnell is clearly so bored that she is turning to vapid cliches to celebrate her friends homecoming from jail. She bought Martha Stewart's favorite lemons, and wrote a note that said "when life gives you lemons, make lemonade." I'm sure Martha cannot wait to get back
-Britney Spears claims that all the unflattering pictures of her printed in magazines have inspired her to go on a diet. (Unfortunately we can't say the same for a wardrobe change, or more frequent showers). But who really believes she can give up the Cheetos and Red Bull?
-You know, that Debbie Rowe has a real heart of gold. She sells her uterus to Michael Jackson so he can have children to wrap in blankets and strange masks and dangle over balconys, and then she sells her wedding ring on eBay. Is she really that hard up for cash? Unfortunately we all know some crazed MJ fan is going to double mortgage their house, sell their car and their children just so they can own something Michael once touched.
-Have you seen these pictures? Because boy, let me tell you, I foresee the "double ponytail" as the next big fashion statement. Sort of like that whole asymmetrical bangs thing. Paired with the classy marjiuana track jacket and the "I stole this off of a dead hooker" color lipstick, Britney is totally ushering in a new era of fashion.
-I was unaware there would even be a market for this, but nonetheless, clearly someone wants a Rupaul doll.
-Pictures from Cher's farewell tour in Siberia.
-Duff: " I'm totally holding this for a friend!" Would that friend be...Lindsay Lohan??
-Johnny Knoxville is getting pissed that he's in the middle of so many rumors at once. He denies that he and Jessica Simpson were getting it on while filming Dukes of Hazzard. Because obviously, he was busy having sex with Lindsay Lohan that whole time. I mean, a man can only be so many places at once.
-Britney Spears' latest Stream of Conciousness, aka "my publicist does not edit this part". Kaballah has "helped [her] get rid of a lot of negative influences". Like taking showers?

Today: This Was Really Rushed.

2005-03-03T23:00:00.000-05:00

-Well, it looks like Charlie Sheen's life is headed straight for the crapper. Wife Denise Richards is filing for divorce, despite the fact that she's pregnant with another Charlie Sheen Jr.
-Behold, the most disturbing allegation in the Michael Jackson trial yet! No, its not more cancer-ridden children accusing him of touching them, its a monkey.
-Mary-Kate Olsen : steadly working towards being at least 90 lbs. She's so good, she's going to DUAL COAST outpatient care!
-Martha Stewart gets released from prison tomorrow (Finally!) and the big question on everyone's mind is: what is she going to make first, homemade easter egg dye or fresh baked cookies with pine nuts?
-Lindsay Lohan is really not fooling anyone, is she? She is trying to convince us that she's only smoked pot ONCE, and she didn't like it. (Honey, you've got to inhale. No one likes it the first time.) And that she would never do cocaine because it "fucks your life up". So she's expecting us to assume she lost all that weight in two weeks naturally?
-In more breakup news, Katie Holmes and Chris Klein split. We understand, guys. It's been an overwhelming few months, what with the Pitt Spilt, the Sheen/Richards split and all. I mean if Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards can't make it work, then who can?

I know I missed probably a boatload of delicious, juicy gossip, but I have a huge archaeology project due tomorrow.
Such is college. I'll (try and) be back tomorrow in full force!

Today: It's Natural, Y'all!

2005-03-02T21:40:00.000-05:00

-It looks like Christina Aguilera isn't interested in making any more celebrity friends, because she totally bashes on the idea of celebrity clothing lines.
-I guess $10 million wasn't enough of a salary for LOTR director Peter Jackson, because he is suing New Line Cinema.
-Star Jones (Reynolds) is worried that her fans will confuse her and Flotilla DeBarge, the drag queen hired by PETA to parody her in an ad campaign. Don't worry, Star. You don't have any fans.
-These crazy kids cannot keep their hands off of each other! Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston were caught kissing at Bryan Lourd's party friday night. Sources say they arrived and left together. Let's hope they at least exchanged numbers.
-If you haven't heard by now, Mariah Carey is set to come out with a new album. The cover can be found here. No, I did mean Mariah Carey, and not Beyonce. Seriously.
-If you are really into Tim Burton for whatever reason, put a second mortgage on your home and head to his Garage Sale in Azusa, CA. If you're lucky you can probably pick up a discarded love note from Tim to Johnny Depp for a reasonable price.
-For those of you who love Vin Diesel (and I'm sure you're out there, somewhere. I mean, people did go see Chronicles of Riddick, right?) then you might want some advance warning that The Pacifier totally sucked, as told to Defamer by a reader at the premiere. But, hey. There was a bouncy castle!
-Today's Topknot Special includes: all new shit brown hair, a wisely timed pick at the underwear, fashionable wristbands, a tasteful oversized t-shirt advertising beer, and tons more trailer trashtastic snarking!
-Michael Jackson has an "I'm Innocent, They Just Ignorant" picnic, outside the courtroom. And who says the man never grew up?

Today: We're All Oscar Hungover.

2005-03-01T21:21:00.000-05:00

-If it looks like a man and eats like a man, then its either a man or Hilary Swank, who opted to chow down on a burger and fries after the Oscars. Well, I sure hope she didn't spill anything on that fantastic dress of hers.
-In arguably the most amazing transformation of our time (including all those neat CGI effects in Van Helsing!) , Edward Moss, an attractive man, becomes the creature of every young boys (and my) nightmare. In case you hadn't heard, he will be starring as Michael Jackson in E!'s trial re-enactments.
-Halle Berry finally gets a court order for another restraining order against one of three guys who actually watched and liked Catwoman, and "just wanted to let Halle know".
-If Seth Cohen was real, this would be another excuse for him to watch his own show. The trailer for Star Wars: Episode III- Revenge of the Sith, will air in between Seth whining about Summer and Seth whining about comic books.
-I know all four of you reading this probably regularly watch One Tree Hill Tuesday nights at 9pm, but if you don't, or you're sick of Chad Michael Murray (and frankly, who isn't at this point?) you can do me a quick favor by voting for Veronica Mars in this E!Online Save One Show Poll. What's Veronica Mars, you ask? You haven't been reading this site very long then, have you? I'd suggest hitting up UPN's official site and start asking yourself why you haven't been watching.
-Gwyneth claims she lives in a "happy household", even though I just reported like two days ago that she and Chris Martin are having problems.

Today: Mostly Oscar Aftermath.

2005-02-28T18:41:00.000-05:00

-Pitt and Aniston confuse gossip columnists; the world, by showing up at Oscar parties together. What's next, they move in with each other?
-The Monday Numbers:
1. Diary of a Mad Black Woman $22.7M total: $22.7M
2. Hitch $21M total: $122M
3. Constantine $11.8M total: $50.8M
4. Cursed $9.56M total: $9.56M
5. Man of the House $9M total: $9M
6. Million Dollar Baby $7.22M total: $64.7M
7. Because of Winn-Dixie $6.75M total: $22.2M
8. Are We There Yet? $4M total: $76.4M
9. The Aviator $3.88M total: $93.8M
10. Son of the Mask $3.77m total: $14M
-While the rest of us were watching Million Dollar Baby win everything possible and Chris Rock make awkward, censored jokes, Jesus was busy winning some Christian Oscars. Man, that Lord sure can act!
-Despite the incredible overall black hole of boredom the Oscars turned out to be last night, Chris Rock's charm managed to make the numbers move, and this years' Oscars were the highest rated in five years. Or perhaps it was just because everyone wanted to tune in to watch Hilary Swank get her Oscar and then pretend like she's never won one before by mentioning how she grew up in a trailer park and looks like a boy. Wait, she didn't really say that last part, although perhaps her speech would've felt a little more heartfelt if she's played up that angle. Her speech became even more awesome when she (didn't shut up!) waved away the orchestra (I'm fairly certain she was the only person to even have the honor of getting delicately told to get the hell off stage this year) in order to totally gush over her agent many times worse than she has ever done for her husband. Yes, I'm quite sure the people of America tuned in just for that.
-Re: Adam Duritz and his Sideshow Bob haircut homage: I think this is the most accurate comparison I've seen. PS. Are the Counting Crows over yet? Please?
-Upset that your movie got totally shafted last night? Well, I know just the thing to cheer you up, John Stamos is coming back to ABC! Slowly, all my dreams will come true.
-Will Smith, apparently not having anything better to do (like sit on the couch eating potato chips and watching reruns of I Love the 80s like everyone else) set a new record. For what? You might be asking (in between mouthfuls of potato chips, of course) for attending the most premieres in one day! Wow, Will! Because the British were totally excited for you to show up at all three premieres of Hitch. Which, if you noticed above, totally got its ass handed to it by a movie I've never even heard of.
-It seems as though Jessica Simpson has taken a page out of Lindsay Lohan's diary (I presume it was this one): "Dear Journal,
I have come up with the perfect plan to keep people from calling me pale. (Because, Ugh! So gross!)
Step 1. Apply self-tanner. Wait 5 mins.
Step 2-14. repeat Step 1
Step 15. apply the lightest lipstick ever.
It seriously works! Maybe I should send this tip into, like, Cosmo or something.
Love, Lindsay"

Today: When All Else Fails, Sue.

2005-02-25T18:54:00.000-05:00

- The Lohan Saga continues. Lindsay's mother attempted to get a gag order against her husband yesterday. I suppose that was in response to the "Lohan Reality Television Show" idea.
-The sex tape you never asked for: Fred Durst's. Please, only click this link if you are one of the zero people interested in seeing Durst's 'O' face.
-So, the rumors were party true. Yes, Marcia Cross is on the cover of The Advocate. But no, she's not gay. Which gave the pressed-for-time content editors something to fill four or five pages with.
-It's time for todays obligatory marriage is on the rocks speculation, Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin.
-Speaking of marriage, more thoughts on Ashton Kutchers inevitable proposal to his mother/girlfriend, Demi Moore.
-The Michael Jackson circus continues. A woman who had been in the same hospital when Jackson was brought in with "flu-like symptoms" and was made to move rooms died, and her family is suing.
-Jennifer Love Hewitt, realizing she is losing her grip on the slippery edge of stardom, takes the plunge and poses for Maxim.
-Hipsters? Meet your newest enemy- Hilary Duff. I mean, she was probably already on the top ten list, but now she's soiling your clubs with her Lizzie McGuire-esque prescense.

Today: Naked Pictures of Famous People.

2005-02-24T21:54:00.000-05:00

-When even the fans are snarking on Mama Lynne Spears' latest letter, you know things are bad.
-Star magazine is running out of headlines to make up, so they're creating top 10 lists instead. 10 Things You Didn't Know About Hilary Swank (And Probably Didn't Want To) Well, they didn't make all of them up, but they're hoping you won't notice that.
-Since when does Nicky Hilton need to gold dig?
-Demi Moore is set to pull the OC out of its fabled sophomore slump by playing Summer's drug-addled step-mom. I'll be watching! (No, really, I will.)
-Jack Osbourne's jewelry stolen , and not even his father cares.
-Unfortunately there will be just a little bit less to snark on Sunday night, because Britney Spears and Paris Hilton have been banned from the Oscars.
-What would possibly be more awesome and necessary on this earth than a Lindsay Lohan reality show?
-Jennifer Lopez needs to catch up on her news. It took her seven months to publicly admit that she married a zombie.
-Viggo Mortenson's new look is apparently the plumber who used to live down the street from me.
-Popular opinion says that Tori Spelling is officially "busted". I'd like to think her eyes are slowly drifting apart, towards her ears, much like errant continents.
-Want to know what Keanu had for lunch today? I'm thinking Coke and white chocolate chips.

Today: A Galaxy Of Trouble.

2005-02-23T20:09:00.000-05:00

-Since the Grammy preshow was down 40% from the Joan Rivers & Co. Fossil Expedition of yesteryear, the Oscars are Star Jones' last shot to close her trap, put on something that fits, and tell her husband to wait in the car while she asks what people are wearing and who they think will win. That is, if Star doesn't drool all over everyone first.
- This is the reason Russell Crowe is a pompous actor, and not an asshole eighth grade algebra teacher.
-Sidehacking Continued: Paris Speaks. It's really upsetting to her, and a total conincidence that this happened after the wake of her minimal press birthday bash and the release of her movie trailer. Yes, Paris. Why does all the bad stuff keep happening to you?
-The Beckhams clearly have a hard time staying out of the headlines. A few days ago, they had their third son, Cruz. Now they're reportedly launching their own line of fragrances.
-Kelly Osbourne to shit herself.
-Speaking of the Osbournes, A blow-up doll & a wax figurine pose for pictures. (via spencer)
-Moby says what we were all thinking, and writes a song out of it.
-The rumors surrounding Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey's 15 minute marriage swirl yet again; Jessica reportedly put their marriage on "probation".
-Again With Sidehacking: It seems that the reason Paris was hacked is because she uses Tinkerbell's name as the security feature to change her password. I wonder what word she will choose now that she's been sidehacked. Probably something like 'Hilton' or maybe 'Nicky'. She's a thinker, that Paris.
-Oh shit. Britney is going to be really jealous that Pink is pregnant before she is. Sorry, no, her boyfriend isn't Corey "I Wear My Sunglasses At Night" Hart, its Carey " MotoCross is X-Treme" Hart.
-Trial of the Century Update: It's time to meet your All-Star Jury Team! They include " a woman who said her grandson was required to register as a sexual offender because of a crime; a woman who said she was related to the pilot of Flight 93, one of the planes that went down on Sept. 11; a 20-year-old man who likes "The Simpsons" TV show; and a man who is interested in Western art and country music." Wow! This is going to be great!
-God, I love the internet. What should MJ wear to court today?

Today: Much Ado About Michael.

2005-02-22T20:41:00.000-05:00

-Chris Rock clarifies his comment about only gays watching the Oscars. What he really meant to say was "I don't really want to host this again next year."
-Marlon Brando: A Legacy of Trendsetting Apparently an interview from back in 1993 with French cooks of MJs, Brando was the only guest to ever question what the hell MJ was really doing with those children. Where are you when we need you, Brando?
-More Trial of the Century News: Apparently Michael Jackson has faked sex with a child dummy. And hey, we haven't even chosen the jury yet. This can only get more squicky.
-Speaking of squicky, check out this article from the worldwide michael jackson fan club. It's truly frightening where "logic" leads some people. If MJ holds out any longer, the jury probably won't be too favorable.
-Sidehacking Update: Most of the sites are removing the phone numbers et al, but if you don't mind looking at porn ads while you laugh at the contents of Paris' phone, you can try here.
-You know its a slow news day when I'm linking to pictures from the TRL Awards on MTV. Memo to Ryan Cabrera: CUT YOUR HAIR.
-Attn: 13 Year Olds- Blink-182 on "indefinite hiatus" aka "we've broken up" , there's still hope for a reunion tour, all you malternative kids!
-Some band named Korn (I don't know, never heard of 'em)is losing their drummer to born-again Christianity. Maybe Jesus came to him in a dream and told him his band sucked.
-Sidehacking Revisited: Paris Hilton is " somewhat Courtney Love-ish" (thanks to gawker for talking to mike sandwich)

PS. It's Tuesday, so give Veronica Mars some love, okay?

Today: It's The Size Of Your Scandal That Counts.

2005-02-21T20:02:00.000-05:00

-Sidehacking: Paris Hilton's Sidekick has been hacked. Paris Hacked has phone calls to some of her A-List phone numbers, plus t-shirts and hats to fully cash in on this hilarious debacle. Gorillamask also has her complete address book, photos, etc. Gawker has composed a lovely Paris collage from her pictures. Since Gawker updates multiple times daily (as I'm way too lazy for that) you can follow their ongoing foray into the Sidehacking debacle here.
PS- Bijou Phillips has a really classy answering machine message. (thanks spencer)
-Lindsay Lohan's dad sets such a good example, doesn't he? He was arrested on a DWI charge after crashing what was probably an expensive car the profits from Mean Girls bought him.
- The Monday Numbers:
1. Hitch $31.8M total: $90.1M
2. Constantine $30.5M total: $30.5M
3. Because of Winn-Dixie $10.8M total: $10.8M
4. Son of the Mask $7.67M total: $7.67M
5. Million Dollar Baby $7.19M total: $54.7M
6. Are We There Yet? $6.5M total: $69.5M
7. Boogeyman $5.5M total: $41.1M
8. Pooh's Heffalump Movie $4.41M total: $11.7M
9. The Aviator $4.17M total: $88.1M
10. Sideways $3.9M total: $58.1M
I declare Hitch to be the new 'Meet The Fockers', ie the latest movie that looks completely worthless and a waste of nine dollars, which will go on to make two hundred million dollars anyway. While quality films like Are We There Yet? continue to slip down the list.
- Hunter S. Thompson has committed suicide. Surprising, yes. Shocking, no.
-Elizabeth Hurley to play Scene Eater in the next Harry Potter flick. Oops, I meant Death Eater. Ha ha, easy mistake to make.
-Mary-Kate Olsen: Off The Wagon?
-Jessica Alba is, like, totally done sleeping around (in Hollywood). I'm sure her boyfriend Cash Money or Cash Millionaire or whatever his name is would be proud to hear such commitment.

Today: A Brand New Low.

2005-02-18T21:41:00.000-05:00

-Fox Network, the kings of sinking to a new low, present celebrities without makeup.
- The Fall of the Fashion Empire: Dolce and Gabbana split. But, like, totally only romantically. We SWEAR!
- Creepy Pa Simpson is trying to explain that what he said about Jessica's boobs totally wasn't creepy. At all. No siree.
- Here is the poster for The House of Wax, the Paris Hilton vehicle that should already have an Oscar nomination.
-I'm not even sure what to say about the classy Pamela Anderson anymore, except that she should realize ironically askew trucker hats are SO OVER.
-Seriously, don't read this if you have a weak stomach. The words "Michael Jackson" and "penis" should never EVER be used in a sentence together unless you're writing a horror story.
-Digitally reducing Lindsay Lohan's breasts... Making Herbie: Reloaded safer for all of America.
-The latest theory making the rounds in the Jennifer Aniston Brad Pitt Break Up Hall of Science says that Jennifer likes to get it on with the ladies.

Not much today, as I've been in transit most of the afternoon from Hempstead NY to good old New Jersey.
Enjoy whatever it is people usually do on President's Day!

Today: It's An Alternate Universe.

2005-02-17T21:27:00.000-05:00

-My mistake. April didn't even have time to say no to Brad Pitt.
- The Duff Sisters take over the role of the Simpsons on a talented sister/dark haired unimportant sister ad campaign for Ice-Breakers. It's not like we would've known the difference anyway.
-Remember back when I told you when Russell Crowe was an asshat? Oh...which time? The one where he bashes DeNiro for doing the Amex commecial and George Clooney for suit ads in Spain. Well, George was glad to hear it. He pretty much takes care of the snark for me.
-Depending what you hear, either Michael Jackson "left" or "escaped" from the hospital after being sent there with the "flu". (link via defamer, because they have pretty pictures.)
- Goodbye Childhood Memories: WB television has bastardized Looney Tunes- Sorry. I mean "Loonatics". Indeed.
- Britney Spears isn't too happy. Apparently she's really "disturbed [y'all]" by the honeymoon pictures that have been plastered around the internet. But I'm sure she has no problem with the (literally!) millions of other photos of her with zit cream smeared on her face, grabbing K.Fed's crotch, and other, more embarrassing photos.
- Kevin Federline has chosen Michael Bolton to produce his upcoming rap album. Does he realize that this isn't that dorky guy from Office Space? This is the man who sings "When A Man Loves A Woman". I cannot wait to hear this album.
- Apparently Paris Hilton is punk rawk enough to be allowed in the presence of Avril "I Made Ties A Trend, Who's The Idiot Here?" Lavigne. I agree with the sentiment that "Avril looks like a corpse." a PUNK RAWK corpse, that is.

Today: Trashtastic Is My New Favorite Word.

2005-02-16T20:54:00.000-05:00

-Crazy model April Florio says no to Brad Pitt. Has she not gotten the memo about the Split?
- Paparazzi are on top of Demi Moore and Ashton Kutchers Mexican getaway on the chance that they might get married. But more likely they'll just come back home with really tacky souveniers that will show up in the back pages of US Weekly.
- Jessica Simpson is running out of things to do now that her marriage is crumbling around her; goes to court over exercise video.
-Today's Top Headine: Kid Rock arrested at a strip club, over the music. the News Channel 5 article also contains a hilariously appropriate picture of Mr. Rock.
-From the mouth of K.Fed, Motherfuckers: Stereogum was kind enough to transcribe the pertinent portions of the Details interview with Cletus, although Britney busts in about halfway through with that cracker barrel potty mouth of hers. Somehow, you can just feel the white trash ooze off of the words. I tell you, that's one special couple.
-Pretty much everyone on the planet is talking about the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy trailer, which is now available for your viewing pleasure.
-Trashtastic: Britney's honeymoon photographs. Doesn't look like much of a honeymoon to me, though. Where are the Cheetos?
-Want to feel fat (or already do)? Check out the Hollywood Skinny. Hooray! Mary Kate gained ten pounds in less than a year! I probably gained ten pouds just this week.
- Stuntmen lobby for an Oscar spot, because they risk their lives so we can watch crap like Hitch.
- Jackson well enough to wave his hand from the hospital, so I guess that "flu" (aka "his nose fell off") isn't keeping him bed-ridden.
-ONTD tidbits: Madonna is totally not technologically challenged, because she converts people to Kabbalah by e-mail. Paris Hilton: not a slut. Brad Pitt throws a 36th birthday party for that chick he was seeing for a while, Jen-something. I can't really remember her name.
- Jennifer Lopez cancels her European tour. Perhaps she has the "flu"? Because clearly, the flu is the new black this season.
- Dave Chappelle has writers block, probably from smoking too way much weed.

Today: A Whole Lotta Lohan

2005-02-15T20:47:00.000-05:00

- Michael Jackson is taken to the hospital for "exhaustion", apparently because the stress of...sitting in a courtroom was really getting to him. Okay. Or perhaps he was just overwhelmed with the amount of starpower shining from his celebrity defense roster:
The totally A-List and relevant superstars include, Liz Taylor, Kobe Bryant, Jay Leno, Stevie Wonder, Diana Ross, Quincy Jones, Nick and Aaron Carter, Barry Gibb, Larry King, Ed Bradley, Maury Povich, Deepak Chopra. Wow. After hearing all those names mentioned at once, I'd probably have to be hospitalized (with the "flu") too.
- Star Jones makes gossip fun again! She RSVPed to two different Grammy parties, neither of which she'd been invited to, and still didn't get in. Honey, it doesn't matter how much liposuction you have or how gay your husband is, you'll be D-List.
-The Daily Dish (bottom of the page): Ashley Olsen rounds up her man-eating lawyers to take on The National Enquirer over a piece that reported she was "caught in a drug scandal". Because all of us really need to read the Inquirer to believe that.
- Page sixsixsix makes some serious steps forward in getting substantial proof that Clay Aiken slept with a male porn star.
- Defamer presents its very own Lindsay Lohan doll!
-And you know when New Orleans has had enough of you, you've got a real problem. The Times- Picayune reports that La Lohan is making many lives miserable.
- Ashlee Simpson is picking up Lindsay Lohans leftovers She's been spotted with Wilmer Valderrama, which is interesting considering he usually likes them young, illegal, and somewhat talented.

PS. It's Tuesday, you know the drill. Watch Veronica Mars.

Today: Totally Phoning It In.

2005-02-14T19:23:00.000-05:00

- Those of you who read Britney's latest Letter of Truth know that she totally dissed Paris' dog Tinkerbell. because apparently Britney isn't getting enough publicity on her own and needs to drag tiny chihuahuas into things.
-The Monday Numbers:
1. Hitch $45.3M total: $45.3M
2. Boogeyman $10.8M total: $33.3M
3. Are We There Yet? $8.5M total: $61.5M
4. Million Dollar Baby $7.58M total: $45.1M
5. Pooh's Heffalump Movie $6.01M total: $6.01M
6. The Wedding Date $5.6M total: $19.5M
7. Hide and Seek $5.55M total: $43.6M
8. Sideways $4.75M total: $53.1M
9. The Aviator $4.64M total: $82.3M
10. Meet The Fockers $3.4M total: $270M
I'm really pissed off that Pooh's Heffalump movie didn't do better.
- Chris Rock jokes that no straight black man watches the Oscars, and while he's probably right, Drudge still gets all pissy about it.
-So, how about those Grammys, huh? Ray Charles won a shitload, too many musicians played at once, and I think Usher maybe won something. Green Day? Yeah, they were on stage too. Yes, I did fall asleep.
-For those of you were asleep or dead over the weekend, Christina Aguilera is getting married to boyfriend Jordan Bratman.
-Are you guy ready for the most wooden movie ever? Well, here it is. Decameron, with Hayden Christensen and Mischa Barton. The only way the acting could get any worse was if they threw in Keanu Reeves.
- 7th Heaven gets renewed for yet another season, allowing the show to run out of feasible plotlines and stick to marrying everyone off and getting them pregnant.
- At least she keeps them both inside her bikini this time...Tara Reid, drunk on a beach. Isn't fame awesome?
- Apparently not many people were interested in a horrible rendition of Across The Universe or Usher winning every award, ever.

Today: It's Not All About The Benjamins, Baby.

2005-02-11T17:22:00.000-05:00

-There is only one word that comes to mind when I think of Britney Spears and Kevin Federline's marriage. And that word is: tasteful. To help illustrate, gawker provides some pictures so you can feel like you were really there, wearing the embroidered "Pimp" groomsmen suits and all. Aw look, the bridesmaid dresses are the same color as the roses! That's so classy!
-In more somber news, Arthur Miller has passed away. Milions of headlings everywhere will, predictably, read "Death of a Playwright".
- Julia Roberts pimps her children out to People magazine.
-Apparently, Sean Connery believes he has artistic integrity, because he walks away from a $17.5 million paycheck, yet he still made LXG.
-Cameramen and producers for VH1's "Strange Love" are totally kicking themselves right now. While Bridgette suffered an asthma attack, Flava ran through traffic to flag down an ambulance. Don't worry VH1, I'm sure someone snapped pictures with their cameraphone!
-Hold off on your e-mail and salty tears, disgruntled ArrDev fans, Fox has something to say. It's not getting cancelled, just yet. At least, not until American Dad stops sucking.
- GM Recalls 193,000 vehicles, including Hummers, because...they might crash. Men will have to find another way to make up for their penis size.
-Lindsay Lohan back in hospital for "bronchitis". Although yesterday it was the flu. And tomorrow it will be exhaustion. Again.
-OMG Y'all! It's another Letter of Truth: Part IV or Maybe V (I can't read Roman numerals, y'all!). It's the usual spewing of delusional insights and horrible grammar. Enjoy, y'all.
-Jerry Bruckheimer dangles the treat of big explosions over the heads of blockbuster directors in order to get them to film for the small screen. (via variety)
- Cameron Diaz attempts to outrun the paparazzi and scrapes her car up in the process (as told by a reader to gawker). Then, Cameron attempts to outrun them on foot. Are we sure she isn't filming the sequel Paparazzi 2: Camera Snatching Boogaloo?

PS. Happy Birthday Shana, you celeb obsessed silly whore.

Today: Jesus Died For Your Profits.

2005-02-10T19:36:00.000-05:00

-Paris Hilton to play the Jeannie in a Bottle on a television show, with scripts, and actors!
- Russel Crowe says what we were all thinking about that stupid DeNiro Amex commecial, except that he's kind of an asshole about it.
-Also on Page Six, we learn that Britney Spears clearly married Cletus for his brains, as K. Fed talks to "Access Hollywood". Well, you know what they say. A couple that plays house together, stays together.
- Lindsay Lohan and 'Just My Luck' co-star Samaire Armstrong were totally just "sharing a stall" because "the line was, like, so long". And no, by 'line', they do NOT mean cocaine.
-David Cross was on Jimmy Kimmel last night, and apparently he reads defamer, because he says that he "found out on the internet" about the shuffle and subsequent few episodes worth of his show (see yesterday's update). He then goes on to suggest that maybe Fox should replace his show with America's Cutest Retards David, don't worry. I'm sure that one was already on the list.
-I hope you haven't been eating recently. Drew Barrymore parades her unsightly armpits, which were obviously not on the list of things to clean up after breaking up with Fabrizio Moretti.
-Scorcese and DiCaprio are going three for three; The Aviator, the in-production The Departed, and the upcoming Drunken Angel.
- For the three Minuteman fans out there (besides me, that is) Watch the We Jam Econo trailer and wish that D. Boon was still alive. (thanks spencer)
-Mel Gibson is getting antsy because he's not making enough money off of The Passion as he'd like, so he's cutting some gory shit out of it and re-releasing it in theaters. Even though the original version made almost $400 million dollars, Gibson is putting this version out so he can get at least nine bucks from every single person on the planet, including the squeamish ones.

Today: Well Which One Is It, Honey?

2005-02-09T21:51:00.000-05:00

- From "Sex and the City" to "No Sex and the Suburbs". I'm sure Charlotte would approve.
- Perhaps there is a puppeteer (with a vendetta) behind Burt Reynolds' face?
-Marcia Cross' PR finally catches up with the rumors and denies that she will be posing for The Advocate, but claims that "[Marcia] is very supportive of the gay and lesbian community".Well, of course she is. We've just been wondering exactly how supportive she is. Marcia Cross was on The View today, insisting she is "happy" and "totally not saying what my publicist is telling me to say until sweeps are over".
-AD to make room for more AD Fox is shuffling around redheaded step-child Arrested Development to make room for new golden child American Dad, thereby reducing Arr's episode order. And somewhere, a letter writing campaign has begun in vain.
-American Idol: Because There's Nothing Else On Worth Watching. However, its only a matter of time before it becomes the next Who Wants to Be A Millionaire? Fox should keep in mind that anything more than three times a week might be overkill.
- (3rd item) Lindsay Lohan has been doing more than just partying in NOLA; apparently she's been hooking up with 'Jackass' star Johnny Knoxville too! Although the partying must be getting to her, because she's come down with a case of "the flu", so the "[entire set] is on antibiotics". And for those of you who love to needlessly nitpick, yes Knoxville is married, and La Lohan's "flu" (if flu isn't codeword for freebasing drugs) is viral, so the antibiotics are pretty worthless.
-While some of the minor details may be off (Married for a year? Honey, we all know it won't last that long.) ONTD gives us long-awaited insight that Britney has finally realized K-Fed. "...isn't a great help in cleaning up after the dogs. And he might not be too eager to be on midnight diaper patrol either.” Well if the mounds of BitBitShit all over their house are any indication, I'd say Britney might consider hiring a nanny once she gets knocked up. Otherwise, that house is going to REEK.
-Although Kelly Osbourne was just whining yesterday about how much she hates having grown up in the media, she certainly loves all the damn attention. Apparently the 'Life As We Know It' star has a new boyfriend, but isn't telling who. Vegas odds are on Robbie "I'm Big In England, I Swear" Williams.

Today: Fame And Fortune, Fancy That.

2005-02-08T20:25:00.000-05:00

-A whole lotta bitchin'. Cameron Diaz secretly hates that she's dating a mommas boy, Kelly Osbourne hates being famous, Robbie Williams hates photographers, Sharon Osbourne hates titty-less Super Bowls, and more.
-Are you listening, Tom Green? Drew Barrymore breaks up with Strokes drummer Fabrizio Moretti on a napkin or something.
- More speculation about the life-imitating-art Desperate Housewives coming out of the closet (conveniently in time for Sweeps) frenzy.
- Fox moves Fantastic Four back a week, not even bothering to try and compete with War of the Worlds for opening on the July 4th holiday weekend. I guess I'll start planning for the barbeque after all.
- X-Men 3 to feature...more X-Men. I hope I didn't spoil anything for you.
- Owen Wilson's career depends on buddy comedies, so its no surpise he defends Ben Stiller, his partner in crime, in the current New Yorker. He comes off as much less of an asshat than Rob "I Played A Male Prostitute, Not A Fact Checker"Schneider
-Finally, Corey Feldman has something to say, and we're going to listen. 20/20s Martin Bushir has the exclusive interview this Friday @ 10 pm, so don't make any plans. Or, you know, TiVo it or something.
-Lindsay Lohan is going for a role that doesn't involve bitchy teenagers or talking cars. Hopefully working with Meryl Streep will teach her a lesson called "Working with real actresses means I can't bitch about the size of my eye on posters all the time."
- Princess Paris? My nightmare would be fully complete.
-Simpson Family Gossip Time: Nick Lachey desperately attempts to ruin his marriage; Ashlee and her huge nose do another photoshoot. Pa Simpson is spinning that PR wheel like crazy.

PS. I'm going to keep telling you to watch Veronica Mars until you actually listen.
PPS. Today's title inspired by mission of burma, because they rock.

Today: Hollywood Has A Problem

2005-02-07T20:19:00.000-05:00

-The Monday Numbers:
1. Boogeyman $19.5M total: $19.5M
2. The Wedding Date $11M total: $11M
3. Are We There Yet $10.4M total: $5.1M
4. Hide and Seek $8.9M total: $35.7M
5. Million Dollar Baby $8.77M total: $34.7M
6. The Aviator $5.45M total: $75.9M
7. Meet the Fockers $5M total: $265M
8. Sideways $4.8M total: $46.8M
9. Racing Stripes $4.42M total: $40.5M
10. Coach Carter $4.4M total: $59.5M
Crappy horror movies have found their place in this millenia, and that place is February 2005. And I'm pretty sure we have a nother shitty horror movie to look forward to before the month is out. Hey, whatever knocks Meet the Fockers out of the Top Ten is fine by me.
- Eva Mendes will be starring opposite Nicolas Cage in an adaptation of Marvel Comics "Ghost Rider" picture. We're only about two films away from overdosing on the comic book movie genre, I think. And you know what? If Hollywood decides it wants to be irresponsible with this, then fine. Because someday soon, Hollywood is going to be rolling around on the floor convulsing after they release the fourth X-Men spinoff, Superman VS. Wolverine VS. Hellboy or something, and I will stand there and laugh. You hear me, Hollywood? LAUGH.
-The real thing is always better. A&E is launching a Crime & Investigation network, for all those hardcore fans sick of liberties taken in the thousands of CSI and Law & Order spinoffs. Variety reports "[it] will be dedicated to forensics, justice, and mystery programming." They couldn't have just taken over CourtTV?
-This Just In: Next season's network pilots to totally suck. Since when has anyone agreed that used cars and mermaids were grounds for a worthwhile sitcom? Actually, wait. When was the last time any network actually had a worthwhile sitcom?
-From the woman who didn't know she had gained weight because of elastic waistbands, comes the 14 bottle a day grape soda habit!
- Dave Grohl has stretched his fifteen minutes of fame into a full-blown half hour, which will hopefully end after his upcoming Foo Fighters double album sinks like a stone.
-Meanwhile, at the Federline residence... Britney goes all scene on us, and Cletus can't be bothered to shave, not even for a photoshoot. Not that the look is even at all surprising anymore. What would be surprising is if we saw him in cornrows, holding one of his tiny dogs, CLEAN SHAVEN and SHOWERED. (pictures via stereogum because I cant find the original links from ohnotheydidnt)
- Britney is interested in one of the homes Donald Trump is currently building. This must mean the stinkage at the current Casa Federline is too much for her to handle.

Today: Dedication Is Everything.

2005-02-04T18:27:00.000-05:00

- Apparently Jamie Lynn reads the tabloids too. She's been going to "Disciple Now" religious retreats, probably to wash the skank of her older sister off.
-Geraldo pledges to make the ultimate sacrifice-his mustache. If Michael Jackson is found guilty, he says, Rivera will shave off his trademark caterpillar.
- James Gandolfini goes solo; which means he has more free time to make flops like "Surviving Christmas". Thanks a lot, ex-fiancee!
- Speaking of dedication...Kabbalah is turning Madonna into a cold hard bitch. Okay. Even more of a cold, hard bitch.
- This time, Paris is actually hosting SNL. We promise!
- Didn't I just yell at Hollywood, like, two days ago? About video game/movie crossovers? WHEN WILL WE LEARN, HOLLYWOOD? The worst part is, this script could be written by a third grader with Downs Syndrome, and eight million frat boy gamers (and their dorky little brothers) will go out and orgasm in the theatre anyway.
- The 21st James Bond film, Casino Royale, is moving full speed ahead- except for that minor detail about who will actually play James Bond.
- Life to imitate art. While one cast member comes out on the show, another is set to step out of the closet in real life.
- How many people would really want to buy the engagement ring of Bennifer (the original) fame? Wouldn't it seem kind of, oh I don't know, cursed?

Today: La Lohan Upset That We Pick On Her Daddy

2005-02-03T21:42:00.000-05:00

-Just Our Luck! La Lohan being a bitch on the set of her new movie? I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU.
-Simon Cowell over heard talking about the latest 'Idol' contestants Apparently he thought Kelly Clarkson was like, the shit, yo. And the rest were all frontin' Usher wannabes, ya heard? Maybe not in those words, though.
-Speaking of Lindsay, she must be cranky from those chronic hang-overs. La Lohan wants us to stop taking about her daddy. And she means it!
-Too bad Simon Cowell can't run for president, because the American public surely prefers his snarky bits to President Bush's repetitive mispronunciation of 'nuclear'.
-The Apprentice : Martha Stewart House Arrest Style. Even though she'll be under house arrest for the next five months, that wont stop her from making tasteful wreaths out of pine cones or telling people that they are fired.
- Oh Britney. First, you grab Cletus' dick in public. Then, you go barefoot in gas station restrooms. Now you're going topless (and honey, that is NOT a look for you. not anymore) and your hair...how should I put this? It's like a tornado and a rat's nest got into a fight on top if your head, and the tornado won. You know, I just really hope it's that funny shape because you haven't washed it in two weeks, and not because you've got Cletus Juice all up in your 'do.
-And if you believe this, I've got a bridge to sell you...Craigslist (unfortunately) took the listing down, but Defamer tells us that someone put the "real" Hollywood sign up for sale. For the unbeatable price of five dollars! What a steal!
-Remember a couple days ago, perhaps last week sometime, where I gave Pete Doherty the hilarious nick name of "mylifeisin(baby)shambles"? Well of course you do. And he seems to be taking it to heart, because he's just gotten arrested.
- I don't really know who Houston is, but I do know that he tried committing suicide, and, when that didn't work, opted to gouge his eye out, instead. Thank you for ruining my dinner, Houston.

Today: It's A Sad Day For Famous Movie To Video Game Crossovers

2005-02-02T17:40:00.000-05:00

-We cannot fucking let go because, Brad and Jennifer are reportedly still living together (despite reports Aniston had moved in with her hairdresser and ALSO kicked Ali G out of her OTHER mansion. Those were all lies. LIES. [says her PR]) wearing their wedding bands, etc.
-Martha Stewart is one sneaky bitch. The Daily News is reporting that she may be conducting business over the phone, by speaking in a code that prison guards can't understand (aka proper english).
-This could get creepy. Pete "Can't Live With Her, Can't Live Without Her" Doherty won't let Kate Moss go, even though she very clearly broke up with him via text message. He has met the "woman of his dreams", someone who will firmly tell him 'no' when he wants to do another line of coke.
-Trial Style, Day II Judge Melville (Melville? I know, right? Coolest name ever!) has managed to narrow down the jury selection to about 250 people.
- Who thought this was a good idea? Video games to movies = bad. And generally, movies to video games = bad or worse. Did they not see how horrible the game Mafia did?
- Edward Furlong hearts lobsters, and he isn't afraid to say so. Those of you with his name in the death pool, I'd keep watch.
- Dude, You're Getting Gay Sex. Everyone's favorite Dell Spokesman arrested for Marijuana possession can now be seen live, on stage, getting it on! (Well, maybe not the last part)
- Her legs look like french fries. I realize there must be some irony in that statement, considering Kate Moss doesn't eat french fries, or much of anything at all.
-Toy Story 3, anyone? 2008? I'll be, like, almost dead by then!
- NBC orders a pilot, which will be executive produced by Tina Fey. In a crazy turn of events, the comedy stars Fey as a writer of a SNL-esque variety show, struggling to deal with egotistical actors, singers ripping up pictures of the Pope, as well as artists who are dealing with a bad case of acid-reflux and do a hoe-down off the set.

Today: Tara Reid Can't Stop Talking About What A Good Actress She Is

2005-02-01T19:50:00.000-05:00

-The Molestation Mania begins: -Juror selection for CMJ's(Crazy Michael Jackson) trial has begun in Santa Maria, CA. And all of a sudden, approximately 10,000 CMJ fans are lookingto relocate to California.
- Pitt Splitt leaves Ali G Homeless. Hasn't this couple caused enough world-wide anguish already?
-I swear I reported this already. Orlando Bloom and Kate Bosworth (who?) split, Hobbit fans resume fantasies.
- My favorite man faced actress, Jennifer Garner, talks about looks being important. That's right, honey. Elektra bombed because of your "looks".
-90 Minutes of "Hey Ya', or Outkast makes a movie.
-We weren't the only one's to hate Kelly Osbourne's last album. She didn't like it either. She isn't "punk", you guys. DUH. She's totally 80s Dance!
- Paris Hilton Hates Girls Because They're "Backstabbers". That's the first time I've ever heard anything intelligent come out of her mouth. PS. The picture along with the article is a fine example of how someone can go overboard at the tanning salon, and also how fucked up Courtney Love is.
-Uwe Boll has made (and is continuing to make, if Bloodrayne and Hunter: The Reckoning are any indication) some crappy movies and apparently one fan is so disenchanted that he hacked into his site. "please stop making movies". My sentiments exactly, Anonymous Hacker.
-The poor kid tries so hard. Yet again, Tara Reid tries to convince people she is a worthy actress.
-Of course, we all know that Vin Diesel = comedy gold What is the duck doing in that picture?
- Win this contest and you'll get to see just how batshit crazy Gwen Stefani is in person. And maybe you'll get to pet and feed her Harajuku girls too!
-Looks like Jesus is on break right now. Pope John Paul II was hospitalized today. (We wish him well.)

Hey, you. Watch Veronica Mars tonight at nine? Okay? I know its on UPN. Just give it a shot.

Today: Elektra Lost Game of Hide & Seek

2005-01-31T19:39:00.000-05:00

- Cletus Federline to get a "metrosexual" makeover for a magazine we will never see. Hey, if BitBit can't get on the cover, at least one Spears-Federline can, right?
- Tara Reid is so desperate (third item) to find a man she calls on Ellen DeGeneres, completely overlooking how totally awkward that is.
-The Monday Numbers:
1. Hide and Seek $22M total: $22M
2. Are We There Yet? $17M total: $39.1M
3. Million Dollar Baby $11.8M total: $21.1M
4. Coach Carter $8M total: $53.6M
5. Meet the Fockers $7.6M total: $258M
6. The Aviator $7.51M total: $68.2M
7. Sideways $6.33M total: $40M
8. In Good Company $6.2M total: 35.9M
9. Racing Stripes $6.05M total: $34.6M
10. Assault on Precinct 13 $4.24M total: 14.7M
Oh, oh Dear. What in the world happened to Elektra? Poor thing only made about $1.5M this weekend. It dropped all the way to number 16! I'd feel bad except, you konw, that should've happened opening weekend. However, Meet the Fockers still managed to make it into the top five. I won't be happy until I never have to mention that movie again.
- Ben Stiller is neurotic. It's okay Ben, you're a Jew. All of us are like that.
- Portia De Rossi wastes no time...after only two months, she went out and bought Ellen DeGeneres a wedding ring. Unfortunately, the state of California won't recognize their marriage. Let's just hope they don't decide to get each other's initials tattooed on their asses instead, eh?
- Lara Flynn Boyle gives a free show to the passengers of a 10 hour flight from LA to London. She mounted a passenger and attempted to get him to put on his clothes (she, of course, was naked) Imagine waking up to THAT on a flight.
- Paris Hilton: Binge Drinker? Maybe she's just upset because her valentines to Nick Carter have been posted all over the internet. (eighth item)
- Leonardo DiCaprio receives a lifetime achievement award for being really really ridiculously good-looking. Or maybe it was for acting, I don't really remember.
- Michael Jackon fans horde outside Courthouse, presumably hoping to jam their way in as a jury member because OMG HE'S LIEK TOTALLY INNOCENT.
- Irony Cackles; Hillary Clinton Collapses while giving speech on health care.
- Too Dirty For Britney Must Mean It's Really Fucking Dirty. Apparently, dog shit on the floor of Britney's house doesn't bother her, but a dirty Chevon gas station bathroom is way too UGH. (sixth item)
- Red Hot Chili Peppers' Flea manages to find a girl who doesn't mind that he's batshit crazy. Until she realizes that marriage means she can't sleep with other men.
- Chris Rock has moved on to hosting the Oscarsfrom the MTV Awards because he says he is "too old" also, "they don't even PLAY music anymore. What the fuck is up with that?"
-Cletu-Kevin Federline, Actually Carrying Britney's Baby?

Today: I Keep Ground Bat In My Glove Compartment, Too

2005-01-28T18:06:00.000-05:00

- Friendship Bats must be all the rage now, seeing as how Angelina Jolie gave Brad Pitt a a vial of dried bat as a way to ward off accidents. (3rd item)
-Poor Tara Reid. She's spent so much time yakking to the press lately about how smart she is, and yet the critics don't seem to care.
-First Dualstar, then the world. MK and A finally gain control over their massive media empire.
- At some point today, Variety tells us, we will find out wether A&E or TNT paid out the ass for the rights to Sopranos in syndication. The pricetag may reach up to $2.1 million per episode. At that rate (and since these are cable stations) I imagine they'll only be able to afford four episodes to rerun.
- Mischa Barton tries her best to make Keds cool again.
- Dear Kate Moss and Pete Mylifeisin(Baby)shambles- MAKE UP YOUR MIND. If I have to report that they have broken up and/or gotten back together again, I'm going to lose my mind. That, and I'm running out of jokes about crack.
- But yet last week, they tell us Paris Hilton is hosting? That is SO not hot.
- Gwen Stefani to start an army of Harajuku girls?
- Britney wants you to care. Really, really badly. She may as well get a LiveJournal.
-Hey, Veronica Mars fans, listen up. The show is finally getting some proper dues. Kirsten Bell, Joel Silver, and producers of the Best Show Ever are getting honored at the William S. Paley Museum of Radio and Television on March 14th.

Today: The World Needs More Superheroes That Resemble Ringo Starr

2005-01-27T20:33:00.000-05:00

school is hard; celebrities kept quiet. therefore, not a lot to snark on.

- Tara Reid's second attempt in one week to make people think she's not a drunken crack whore. She's a SMART drunken crack whore. And don't you forget it!
-I guess Tinkerbell (or 'rat', as my Mass Media Professor upset Paris by calling it) got too big for her home (aka Paris' purse). Paris has gone out and adopted a Rottweiler puppy. (second item)
- Wrapping up loose ends at Sundance. Blah blah hipster films picked up by Focus Features, etc etc Strangers With Candy film blah-wait. Strangers With Candy- The Movie? Color me interested.
-The Sequel No One Needed aka The Passion of the Clerks, begins filming in April. I was hoping he was going to use the title Clerks 2: Hardly Clerkin' myself.
- Depp Hates the Oscars, Won't Shut up About it. If he hates them so much he could, you know, NOT GO. or maybe STOP ACTING.
- Beyonce starts a clothing line so more young women can be bootylicious, too. "It's a takeoff of sparkle. ... It's sort of Supremes-era," she said. I don't like the sound of that.
- This makes perfect sense. I've been waiting for the day when Ringo Starr would FINALLY get his own superhero-likeness.
- Marlon Brando voted sexiest man by gay magazine. I have a few questions and concerns. a) I hope they didn't mean now, because I find it hard to believe this magazine caters to gay necrophiliacs. b) is this a blind gay mans (braille) magazine?
- Mrs. Jackson is a year late, blaming Justin Timberlake for her daughters "wardrobe malfunction".

Today: Even ABC Doesn't Care About Your Wedding, Star

2005-01-26T22:02:00.000-05:00

- Bridezilla Gets Deleted; Skips Work in Protest. Star Jones-Reynolds boycotted work for a day after learning that ABC execs removed all of the InStyle plugs from Star's wedding extravaganza superspectacular special. Jones-Reynolds said, of the sickout "No one, including ABC, tells me what to say or what to do with my life." But apparently ABC does, indeed, tell her what to do with her life, because they threatened to fire her if she didn't return to work.
-Is is a coincidence that Drew Barrymore just happened to be shopping for wedding gowns with lead Strokes Julian Casablancas hanger-on Juliet Joslin? We think not.
-Paris and Nicole looking to launch solo careers? (second item) Apparently Paris is getting sick of sharing the spotlight. Imagine that.
- Nicole Kidman looks to get a restraining order for two Australian photographers. She could always pull a Cameron Diaz and just snatch the cameras herself.
- Island Def Jam is pulling a Jive and pushing back the release of Mariah's upcoming album. They say they need more time to "promote" it, which means they will tell the Mariah Carey street team to get cracking on some well-executed flyers made in MS paint and bum rush the local mall with ads.
- Brad Pitt slaps on his cowboy gear; women all over the nation salivate and quietly thank god that he's again single.
- Fans call De Niro a sellout for his Amex commercial, it's only a matter of time before they hang him in effigy for the Taxi Driver sequel.
- Everyone's favorite Stop Ashlee Simpson petition, now serving over 220,000 customers.
- Posh Spice so desperate for work she offers help to Britney Spears. I hope she knows she wouldn't be getting that job anytime soon.
- Britney Spears claims to have an alter ego, Mona Lisa. So, that brilliant song is actually about her, then? She's more self-aware than I thought.
-According to this site, you can get Andy Dick to do whatever Andy Dick does at your party for only $15-20,000!
- Smokey says the only way to prevent fires from taking out major train lines is to stop watching Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle.
- John Goodman Watch- Alive and Well at Sundance.
-The American Public are, thankfully, not the only people who thought Elektra sucked. Garner thought it was crap too, but it was in her "contract". Was it in her "contract" to date her perpetual-off-the-wagon costar Affleck as well?
- Elizabeth Hurley: creating new eating disorders for women everywhere.
- Courtney Love was unaware that eating will make you gain weight. Although I suppose when you're on a heroin and..uh, heroin diet, you don't tend to pack on the pounds. Welcome to our world, Courtney, dear.
-Well, that was quick Did someone fall off the wagon again?

Today: Hofstra University's Internet Connection Blows; Blows Hard

2005-01-25T21:50:00.000-05:00

I apologize for the brevity of today's update. I just got settled back at school, and the internet connection is less than stellar here. I haven' had the time, or the patience to dredge up any more news for the day. I hope this is a one-time thing.

- Is it a problem with Britney, or just millions of us wishing that she will never, ever get pregnant, for the sake of mankind?
-Tis' the Season! Oscar Nominations are here! Nothing really exciting, like every year.
-Paris Hilton, worried that her name has fallen off the gossip pages of most major newspapers, has somehow managed to let valentines to Nick Carter (yeah, that one from Backstreet Boys, remember?) slip our of her hands and into Page Six's. Apparently, Paris (aka Le Bean) is a real romantic. An excerpt: "I don't want you to ever worry because I would never fuck this up for anything in the world. It's been really hard for me these past couple of months and I'm so happy I found you. You are the shit and I love you to death."
- Britney's New Album Pushed Back...To Never? Somehow, with her recent foray into trailer trash queen, I doubt Jive is all that excited to promote anything with her name on it.
- New Season of Making the Band to be All-Girls; Expect 80% Increase in Bitching from Last Season.
- Pete Doherty is desperately scrambling on the wagon so he can ride with Kate Moss until one or both fall off.
-England is sure to be pleased with Puff Diddy, P. Daddy, or whatever stupid nickname he insists people call him these days. He has a £50million bid to turn one of Andrew Lloyd Webber's theatres into a...nightclub.
- Defamer retracts their speculation about the Desperate Housewives snubbing the media,etc (from yesterday's update) as an undisclosed party writes in to give their POV of the event. From the network? NO. Never!

PS. I hope you watched Veronica Mars tonight.

Today: I Give the Movie-Going Public A Stern Talking-To

2005-01-24T18:52:00.000-05:00

-Paris Hilton attends Sundance, Indie Cred Shoots up Ten Points. But, it comes at the expense of running into her only two natural enemies, Shanndn Doherty, and Rick Salomon.
- Snoop Dogg wants to coach the Steelers. Maybe if he got the gig, he could get them to the Superbowl next year. Fo' shizzle.
- Christina Aguilera soon to be Mrs. Bratman? How appropriate.
-The Monday Numbers:
1. Are We There Yet?- $18.5M total: $18.5M
2.Coach Carter- $11M total: $43.2M
3.Meet the Fockers- $10.2M total: $248M
4.In Good Company: $8.5M total: $28M
5.Racing Stripes: $7.06M total: $27.3M
6.Assault on Precinct 13: $7.02M total: $8.57M
7.The Phantom of the Opera: $5.01M total: $33.6M
8.White Noise: $5M total: $49.4M
9.The Aviator: $4.82M total: $58M
10.Elektra: $3.83M total: $20.2M
Can we, as American citizens, think about maybe NOT seeing Meet the Fockers for the fourth time and instead, oh, I don't know, head down to the local library and pick up a book? I don't even care if it has pictures in it. Hell, it can be a biography of Ben Stiller for all I care. But please, America, stop before this sequel that was supposed to flop makes 300 mill at the box office. I'd be really irate right now if it wasn't for the fact that at least we, as a nation, can recognize that Elektra is total crap and let it sink like the foul stone it is.
- Gawker readers have some great sketch ideas for this weeks SNL host, everyone's favorite celebutant, Paris Hilton. I hope Tina Fey is reading.
-Teri Hatcher must really miss doing those Radio Shack commercials. Apparently, she snubbed her co-stars at a Desperate Housewives event. However, it seems the rest of the Housewives decided to snub the media that showed up to interview them for the event.
-And after they snub, the Housewives look to cash in.
- Audrey Toutou is the latest to join the cast of The DaVinci Code, the book that was sure to become a movie the second Nelson DeMille praised it. She'll be starring opposite Tom Hanks and a bunch of paintings.
- The Mouse Gets its Own 24-Hour News Network. Disney launches ABC News Now. The rumbling of CNN's stomach can be heard in the distance
- This shocking report questions the stability of J.L-Jennifer Lopez and her ~~wife~~husband Marc Anthony's marriage.
- Well at least Kate Moss and Pete Doherty have something in common to talk about. They can share drug bust stories! Aw, that's so romantic.
- Has someone been spying on Nicole Kidman?It's probably those damn Scientologists.
- Is Drew Barrymore looking to get married again? I doubt Fabrizio will write 'drew I love you' on his bum or design purses with Monica Lewinsky.
-Stop Ashlee Update:closing in on 200,000 signatures. Unfortunately, the petition is hard to take seriously when some of the signatures include Britney Spears, President Bush, Nick Lachey, and Bart Simpson. But hey, at least we're trying, right?
- The Pitt Split is Profitable for Everyone! Timely t-shirts that you will only be able to wear until Brad is officially shacking up with Angelina. Then, to the thrift store they go.
-I can finally watching Trading Spaces again Paige Davis, who has taken a page (haha get it?) out of Cyndi Lauper's book on how to be incredibly irritating, is leaving the show. Apparently they're looking to try a hostless format on for size, but I'm hoping they'll find Alex doing off-Broadway plays or something and convince her to host again.
- Predictably, Catwoman racks up the Razzie nominations, with a total of seven.
-For those of you who are jersey x core, welcome to the apocalypse.
-Why can't we all just be friends? Tara Reid, apparently thinking she's 14 again, was on TRL today throwing snowballs at pictures of Lindsay Lohan or something. Now Tara, don't get testy. We all know Paris likes Lohan better anyway.

Today: A Solemn, Short Update

2005-01-23T22:09:00.000-05:00

RIP, Johnny Carson
1925-2005

defamer has their own tribute, as well as a link to the cnn story.

Today: An Important Public Service Announcement!

2005-01-21T20:44:00.000-05:00

-Page six six six gives a transcript of entertainment tonight, featuring Tara Reid, trying to make herself sound like less of a deranged crack-job.
- John Goodman isn't having a good week, is he? He may not be dead, but it looks like his career is.
- The Save Topher t-shirt. Get yours today, before his publicist shuts them down!
-Breaking News: Everybody Loves Raymond to end. Now we can finally see Romano show off his acting chops in features like Welcome to Mooseport. Hmm...on second thought, keep those reunion show options open, Ray.
-Farrah Fawcett, Cerebral Palsy victim? (With apologies to those with cerebral palsy). Oh, how the mighty have fallen. Does this mean Cameron Diaz will look like a melted barbie doll in twenty years too?
-Didn't anyone in Hollywood read the memo that video games make shitty movies? I guess not, because they're making Spyhunter (of all games to choose from!) starring The Rock (as the car?).
-Public Service Annoucement: Someone, please tell Juliette Lewis that a) she is not funny on I Love the 90s, part deux b) she is not funny, period c) she should get off whatever drugs she's taking that prevent her from forming coherent sentences about things that happened less than ten years ago.
- Another Tim Burton Featuring Johnny Depp Production It's called Nigh- I mean Corpse Bride.
-It's a good thing Chicken of the Sea is not made from Dolphins, otherwise Jessica Simpson wouldn't eat it. She's afraid of dolphins! Because they're scary, duh!
-Surprise! Britney's Not Pregnant. For the month.
- A lesson on Tanorexia, which, as everyone knows, is this year's anorexia.

Today: Celebrities Stabbed, Stinking, & Stealing

2005-01-20T22:18:00.000-05:00

-Paris Hilton tries to prove how "hardcore" she is, by stealing a copy of HER OWN sex tape, as well as ripping down a poster. She's facing charges of petty theft and vandalism.
-George Clooney in Pain, Housewives Sip Wine, Fold Clothing & Weep. [via the post].
-Fugging It Ups favorite Celeb We've Never Heard of, Courtney Peldon, was stabbed on the set of Tobe Hooper's new horror film, Mortuary. The prop man "accidentally" gave her co-star a real knife instead of a dulled one. I wonder if he reads Fugging it Up.
-If Golden Fiddle hadn't said it, I would never have thought that was Courtney Love. Didn't we just see her looking emaciated and strung out during her court date? Is that what taking care of an eleven year old child does to your body? Courtney, for everyone's sake, please hurry up and fall off the wagon.
- Speed III: Romantic Liason? Almost. Sandra Bullock and Keanu Reeves are teaming up again, but unfortunately it won't feature a vehicle that can't stop moving, but perhaps a plot that actually moves instead.
-After We Ban Gay Marriage, Let's Ban Spongebob, Too! [via ONTD.] Some conservative Christian groups are attacking everyone's favorite cartoon who lives in a pineapple under the sea, because he is included in what they call a "pro-homosexual video".
-It's official, Josh Schwartz has lost is his mind. There are talks for an OC spinoff featuring The Forgotten Sister, Kaitlin Cooper.
-No, John Goodman isn't dead...yet. Despite this report. Those who put his name in the Death Pool, dont' get too excited.
-Sadly, Britney will never be featured in Good Housekeeping. How Can You Tell if it's Britney, Or the Dogs?

Today: Wilmer Valderrama Cannot Hold Onto Lohan; Can He Hold Onto His Own Sitcom Spinoff?

2005-01-19T23:38:00.000-05:00

-Bob Marley + Anna Wintour 4EVER !!! Wait, What??
-The Golden Globe's withering ratings cause the TV Academy to rethink the Emmy telecast. One thought would be to dump the movie and miniseries awards, leaving enough time to watch West Wing win everything.
-Because movie studios just can't find enough classic books to ruin, Paramount has cast Julia Roberts, Oprah Winfrey, John Cleese, Steve Buscemi and others in the live-action/CGI version of Charlotte's Web.
-Taxi Driver Sequel? So basically, we'd get to see an aging Travis Bickle sit in his apartment, pet cats and talk to himself? I think the first one was enough, thanks.
-Geeks and Nerds alike will revel in the new fantastic four trailer, now available from Apple.
-So yesterday, we saw the latest pictures of Britney, complete with Mystery Ankle Rot. Apparently after she left the rest stop bathroom, she headed into a baby store, presumably to shop and tell the staff she was nine weeks pregnant, although judging on the pictures it looks like she spilled something on her outfit and barged into the store to change. But hey, anything to get those rumor mills talking, right? Thanks, Brit.
-Sharon Osbourne continues to talk about things no one wants to hear. She has undergone more plastic surgery, for perkier breasts. My favorite quote: "They're now pointing in the direction I want, and everything's looking up."
-Tara Reid is supposedly developing a television show based on her life. So, it'll pretty much be like Girls Gone Wild, but without the drunken self-awareness. And Mardi Gras beads.
-Milking the Cashcow: since both Ashton Kutcher and Topher Grace are leaving That 70s Show, desperate execs are looking to scrape the leftovers into That Fez Show. Defamer has some quality spin-off suggestions. Fox, I hope you're listening.
-Lindsay Lohan Cannot Swallow. I...I don't even know what else to say. I think the joke writes itself, don't you?
-Wolverine to be the next Bond? apparently producers forgot he was in Van Helsing.
-At Least One Lohan has Some Sense- Mrs. Lohan files for divorce from her creepy husband. [via ONTD]
-Is it possible to turn "you're fired!" and the accompanying hand gesture into a musical number? Apprentice, The Musical. Clearly no one has learned from "From Justin to Kelly".
-The Stop Ashlee Petition, hoping to reach 100,000 before tomorrow.
-OC competition? not for much longer: Kelly Osbourne vehicle "Life As We Know It" to get the can?

Today: More Golden Globe Goodness, Studio Heads Like Ruining our Favorite Movies for Fun & Profit, Plus More!

2005-01-18T20:41:00.000-05:00

-Page Six gives you all the golden globe gossip you missed during the telecast. For instance, were you aware that Tobey Maguire dropped out of the gg presentation because he's too fat? My favorite bit: "Mischa Barton and Brandon Davis had a lovers' quarrel at the InStyle/Warner Bros. party, which ended when "Mischa slapped Brandon," a partygoer said. The temperamental twosome made up and left together shortly thereafter. " I knew I liked her for a reason.
-Colin Farrell is being sued for "harassing" a phone sex operator(second item). So I guess when he compared ordering pizzas to having sex with women, I guess he forgot about the whole "lawsuit" part.
- the La Lohan 'One Night in NOLA' photo essay continues, via Defamer.
-Peter Jackson buys rights to Alice Sebold novel The Lovely Bones, probably with the profits from the LOTR card game alone. [via variety]
-Disney wants to cash in on the Toy Story franchise, despite no longer having Pixar: [viaTHR]
-Pitt and Jolie waste no time- they were spotted together by the reputable Star magazine [via yahoo!] Although, Angelina claims she is simply a "shoulder to cry on". A really convenient, extremely good looking shoulder to cry on. Hmm.
-Sarah Jessica Parker pregnant again? Perhaps next time we'll search through her garbage for the results.
-Golden Fiddle is concerned about Teri Hatchers swaying noseholes. So are we.
-For those of you who feel they haven't been able to snark on Ms. Lohan enough lately, I present the Herbie: Fully Loaded poster. WINK!
-Britney <3s Public Restrooms: [via ONTD] Yes at least she is wearing shoes this time. However, it seems like her ankle has been infected with either ebola or The Black Death. Or maybe scabies? Girl cannot win.
-Disney To Try and Ruin a Good Thing, Volume 2 Mulan II- Saving China Was Just the Beginning. I weep.
-Breaking News: Nicole Richie is Actually 45 Fucking Years Old: [via ONTD]
-Is someone hacking into Hilton's e-mails? Her personal e-mails probably look a lot like my spam.
-CBS wants Jon Stewart to be the next Dan Rather? [via yahoo!] I'm not sure Stewart would be able to report "real news" with a straight face.
-If you were to choose a list of artists to cover Eric Clapton's 'Tears in Heaven', I sincerely hope you would not be as tone-deaf to pick the following list, courtesy of Stereogum. They couldn't get Cyndi Lauper to round out that ear-splitting, decibel- shattering team?
-I'm sure, by now, we've all seen the brad/angelina/jen on the phone lj icon floating around..but have you seen the paris/la lohan one?? Enjoy.
PS. You should be watching Veronica Mars. I mean it.

Today: The Golden Globe Aftermath, A Pitt Split Update, & A Shit Ton About Britney

2005-01-18T01:04:00.000-05:00

Apparently, Defamer and I had the same idea. Sit down and recap the Golden Globes, live, as they happen !!! Sadly, that did not turn out so well. The ceremony was boring and predictable, so much so that I broke my rule of only surfing the internets during commercial breaks (which followed every single award given) to actually check my e-mail while people made their speeches. And I quote Defamer: "Even Jim Carrey, a man who spent the better part of the 90's speaking through his anus, could offer nothing more than some half-hearted, pidgin Italian when he introduced the head of the Hollywood Foreign Press. Whither the ass-ventriloquism? Not here." Agreed. Note to the Hollywood Foreign Press: perhaps look into getting Carrot Top to host next year? I hear he's popular with the kids.

-Olsen Twins to Separate. Man, has 2005 been a shitty year, or what?
-For all those who thought the end of Fitness Made Simple workout videos arriving direct to your door was here, fear not. fitnessmadesimple.com has released a statement saying that everyone's favorite egg-headed exercise enthusiast, John Basedow, isn't and never was in Thailand, despite internet reports stating he'd gone missing after the tsunami. Whew.
-Sylvester Stallone Won't Give Up. Another Rambo film, which I'm sure will do wonders for his slowly sinking career. Cop Land, anyone?
-Springer to host radio talk show, which surprisingly features left leaning political news & discussion, rather than crack whores sleeping with their mothers and dogs. UPGRADE.
-Mischa Barton whines about being beautiful. She said in an interview with Britain's Cosmopolitan magazine: "It kind of irritates me that I'm seen as this pretty face. People also say I'm too thin. The truth is, pretty people aren't as accepted as other people. It comes with all these stigmas. It's like, 'She's pretty and thin, so she's got to have problems. She must be anorexic or depressed or bitchy." And somehow, I can see her point. God this love of the OC will be my downfall.
-People, please shut the fuck up about Jennifer Garner. [bitching courtesy of ONTD ] This bloggers opinion: she looks like a duck. The end.
-You know your love life is in the shitter when you're taking dating advice from Jamie-Lynn Spears, America's Favorite Younger Sister. Pretty Soon, Your BFF Could Turn Into A True BF! LIEK OMG.
-Speaking of the Spears', OMG-FM: Britney plans to work as a producer for a daily talk show, as a form of on the job training. She is looking to get her own radio talk show, y'all! *gumsnap*
-Superthin Supermodel Kate Moss is reportedly seeing former Libertines member Pete Doherty. Let us all remember that Pete was kicked out of the band for his numerous drug addictions. Good choice, Kate!
-Vincent Gallo: Douchebag About Hollywood Vincent Gallo calls Kirsten Dunst "a cold, curt nasty little witch of a brat on the phone" after she backed out of Brown Bunny. I think Gallo's just jealous that she had the idea to do that first. He goes on to insult other fine actors and actresses in this article, as well as famed film critic Roger Ebert. [via the post.]
-Mary J. Blige is being sued by Madonna's publishers, saying that Blige's Barbershop 2 song, "Not Today" is a ripoff of Madonna's 1983 hit "Holiday". And if I were residing over this case, I'd sue them both.
-Speaking of Madonna (or Esther, or whatever it is she goes by these days), she has asked Britney to star in the animated adaptation of Madonna's childrens book, 'The English Roses'. She'll be voicing the heroine Binah, who I guess is a Hindu god or something. Madonna has also managed to convince David Bowie and Snoop Dogg that even though shes married to Guy Ritchie,, she can put together a crap movie ALL ON HER OWN.
-The Monday Numbers [via imdb]
1.Coach Carter $23.6M total: 23.6M
2.Meet the Fockers $19M total: $231M
3.Racing Stripes $14M total: $14M
4.In Good Company $13.9M total: $14.4M
5.Elektra $12.5M total: $12.5M
6.White Noise $12.2M total: $41.2M
7.The Aviator $4.78M toal: $50M
8.Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events $3.96M total: $111M
9.The Phantom of the Opera $3.55M total: $26.4M
10.Ocean's Twelve $2.9M total: $120M
-the Tsunami fundraising "Concert of Hope" failed to draw numbers. It only averaged 5.7 million views on NBC. Comparatively, the "America: A Tribute to Heroes" 9/11 telethon averaged 59.3 million viewers. I guess most of America was too busy going to see Meet the Fockers.
-Speaking of tragedies, the fact that there was no prenuptial agreement means the Pitt Split will be filled with 50% more bitter arguments! Meanwhile, Aniston has moved in with her hairdresser, Chris McMillian. So now she has someone to stay up late with and watch Queer As Folk marathons and eat Ben & Jerrys.

Today: The Day I Postpone Golden Globe Commentary

2005-01-17T01:24:00.000-05:00

In tomorrow's update:
Celebrities not afraid to dis interviewers, mention the tsunami over and over and over again, and either look fabulous or completely horrible.
All in all, a fairly typical awards show.
More tomorrow!

Today: The All Cameron Update

2005-01-15T02:05:00.000-05:00

Oh MTV loves their celebrity (or celeb-reality, if you're on VH1) television shows. (And so do we! What a conincidence!) So much so that they manged to sign Ms. Diaz up for a new show called Trippin'. Woah. It appears the show will chronicle her friends traveling to countries (around the world!!!) with a focus on, like, the environment and stuff. Apparently, this show, including "stunts and stuff" has been in production forever and Diaz is SUPRPRISE a "fantastic asshole".
[mouth watering info courtesty of defamer]
Hope I didn't ruin your weekend.

Today: An Update before Nine PM!

2005-01-14T15:26:00.000-05:00

My schedule is all off this week. But, as always, news first, bitching later.

-Lindsay Lohan starts Mardi Gras early? While her publicist denies reports of her being there, a picture, [courtesy of gawker, courtesy of college humor] says otherwise.
UPDATE: apparently La Lohan is in NOLA to film a new movie, "Just My Luck". And we all know what happens down there...apparently, lots of "cranberry juce and ~~vodka~~ soda." I hope they have a really good Lohan-lookalike. [bonus photo essay courtesy of defamer]
-Bigger than the Tsunami: Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen not eating?? Now there's a cause worth starting a telethon for.
-Milkbones Are The New Cheetos : aka WTF Jessica Alba? [golden fiddle, second entry.]
-Speaking of golden fiddle, we both agree: Pitckfork's new look- total downgrade.
-Want the TRUTH? Jennifer Aniston's myspace blog gives us THE TRUTH.
-VH1 plans to annouce they've bound and gagged Cameron "Downward Spiral" Diaz and forced her to agree to a reality show. Good luck finding details just yet.
-Love regains custody of Bean. I have no idea what she slipped the judges, but it obviously worked. Future headline: Francis Bean Runs Away From Home.
-Hey Pitckfork, are you looking for Celebrity Music Critic? Well, Jennifer Garner is your woman !!!!!!! Check out her iTunes Celebrity Playlist, via stereogum. Apparently, a lot of songs "really get her going". Affleck, are you listening? Keep these songs in mind if you want to get any. Especially that John Mayer one.
-Britney's 'Do Something' video. I cannot tell you how much it pains me not to be able to open and watch this file. Damn you, Quicktime!

Today: Latenight Gossip Roundup

2005-01-13T02:09:00.000-05:00

I really need to get back on schedule.

-Ashley Olsen and friends reportedly destroyed a hotel room. Well, there goes that good girl reputation of hers. Wait, or was that her sisters? Hmm...
-Britney Spears writes a letter to Christina Aguilera, hoping to end their fued. She put it in her locker in hopes that Christina will read it and forgive her before lunch, because today is Pizza Day!
-Next Season's The Apprentice will take place on a Carnival cruise. The Love Boat, this aint.
-Kid Rock dropped from the Inaugural Bash. Apparently, Republicans are concerned that Mr. Rock is too conservative. Just kidding!
-Steven Spielberg moves ahead with his Abraham Lincoln (? yes.) biopic, and Liam Neeson is in talks to star. I hope he's workin' on that beard.
-Ben Affleck anarcoleptic? Or are all those reports of girlfriend Jennifer (no, the other one) being pregnant keeping him up nights? [speculation via defamer]
-E! Network, always on top at lowering the bar. Since there is a television camera ban inside Michael Jackson's trial, E! plans on airing dramatic re-enactments of it instead. Defamer suggests Claymation, however I think puppets would be way more effective.
-Paris is already sick of dating that other Paris, and has been spotted with another Greek in NYC, by the name of CHris Contogouris. From the picture I've seen, he must have a GREAT personality, and/or a ginormous dick. Not that he won't be gone in a week in either case.

Today: Two For One Special! Tuesday & Wednesday's News, Together!!

2005-01-12T21:44:00.000-05:00

I apologize for the delay. There really wasn't enough noteworthy news on Tuesday for me to merit a post. (Besides, I was lazy.) This is probably the earliest update ever. Don't get too used to it, though.

-Breaking headlines in the world of sup-par pop artists: Ashlee Simpson and Ryan Cabrera are over.
-This is actually Britney's new purfume.
-Speaking of our favorite Pop Tart, She paid a visit to a ~~homeless man~~ street healer in Malibu. The "doctor" said his fingers were frozen still from her "power" after "treating her". Yes, she brought the dog.
-Bill O'Reilly has clearly broken his New Year's resolution of being less of an ass. He scoffed at the tsunami celebrity fundraiser, saying that the money wouldn't go to the victims. Upon hearing this, George Clooney, founder of the telethon and all around awesome guy, wrote O'Reilly a letter, asking him to put his money where is mouth is.
-Sharon Osbourne babbles that she is working on a biopic tv movie, and wants her extremely soothing daughter Kelly to play a young Sharon. Ech.
-Oh La Lohan, trucker hats are soo two years ago..[link via ONTD]
-Courtney Love manages to dress herself for a court appearance.
-Yes, Jersey has standards: "The Simple Life" had to do some location shuffling once the Buene Vista School District decided they didn't want Hilton and Richie as interns in their school system. They felt that Hilton would set a "bad example". Filming has relocated to the firehouse for that particular segment, although there is rumor that AC [Atlantic City for all of you non-Jersey residents not reading this] may be next on the list.
-Don King is seeking $2.5 Billion [yes, billion. that is not a typo.] in damages, saying he was portrayed in a "false light" on ESPN's Sports Century program. Good luck with that, Don.
-Pitt Split Speculation: Jennifer Aniston embarrassed by Brads interest in starting a family? Chew on that one for a while.
-Getting too into Character: Renee Zellweger wants to write. As in, books. Then turn it into a screenplay and star in it. [No, just kidding. But she does want to write. Seriously!]

Perhaps a few more scraps later on, if celebrities feel like doing anything stupid.
ps. golden fiddle is back. begin breathing again.

Today: Photoshoots Are The Root of All Celebrity Problems; I Just Cannot Stop Talking About Brad and Jennifer

2005-01-10T23:06:00.000-05:00

Apparently the Pitt Split has left the nations celebrities paralyzed from living their lives. And thus, few headlines:

-Today's Extremely Non-PC Headline: Retarded Kennedy Sister Dies. Rosemary Kennedy, oldest sister of JFK and inspiration for the Special Olympics, is dead at the age of 86. Are there any Kennedy's left at this point? (Ted doesn't count. He's barely alive as it is.)
-Communication is Important. British supermodel Naomi Campbell is under the impression that her and Usher are together, and are scheduled to do a photoshoot together. However, Usher's rep is denying these rumors, saying she was just "an extra in Usher's video, and is clearly bitter about not getting a larger roll."
-Today's Obligitory Tsunami Relief Effort Update: Nicole Kidman is heading to Indonesia next week as an ambassador for UNICEF.
-Pitt Split No Surprise? One gawker reader reports that she had worked with Brad during a 9/11 telethon, and she was hit with a full blast of flirt. A friend of hers also happened to work on the set of Mr. & Mrs. Smith, and claims that Brad and Jolie did hook up.
-What the Fock? Meet the Fockers number one at the box office this weekend. Again. For the third week in a row.
-Cameron Diaz Acting Twelve: Cameron "You're Jus' Jellus" Diaz was reported at a Manhattan restuarant throwing ice at Deanna Miller, a Victoria's Secret Model who recently did a GQ photoshoot with Diaz's man, Justin Timberlake. When asked what in fuck's sake she was doing, Diaz giggled and twirled her hair, mentioning she had been aiming for someone else. Riiight.
-Johnny Depp is a Rock Star Medium: For his upcoming role as Willy Wonka in Tim Burton's 'Charlie and the Chocolate Factory', Depp has said that he looked to Marilyn Manson for inspiration. Marilyn Manson selling candy to small children, now THERE'S an image that Middle America would just love.
-File this under "We Wouldn't Have Cared Before 'Garden State' Came Out": Rumors that Zach "Ray Romano, Jr." Braff and Kirsten Dunst have been hooking up.
-Sorry Ladies, Vince Neil is off the market.
-Pitt Split Update (again): No, they aren't getting back together. But their production company, Plan B, will continue on, and the ex-couple will remain business partners. Note to Brad: Stay off of speakerphone.

Today: Slim Pickins

2005-01-10T01:49:00.000-05:00

Weekends are normally quiet, but I dug up a couple of pieces worth (briefly) mentioning...

-Jennifer Garner dispels pregnancy rumors at the Elektra premiere. America rolls over; hits snooze button.
-Our Headline of the Year, the Brad and Jen Split, may have been caused by a little too much phone time with Angelina Jolie?
-Today's Obligitory Celebrity Tsunami Relief Effort: Darkness rock"star" is auctioning his guitar on Ebay. I'll give you three guesses where the proceeds are going.
-You know it's a slow news day when I'm talking about KISS...A woman, claiming to be an ex girlfriend of Gene Simmons, is suing him for slander, saying that she is being portrayed as a slut. Simmons responded by asking which reunion tour he slept with her on.
-Orlando Bloom is reportedly the new 007, or rather, the old one. Bloom will be starring in films highlighting the agents younger days, and also the days when he looked like a complete pussy.
-Crazy Gwen Stefani has her own L.A.M.B. digicam, dedicated to harajuku girls! OMG LIEK ADORABLE.

In this issue: Britney Spears Desparate to Make Headlines, and more!!

2005-01-09T02:15:00.000-05:00

Apparently celebrities stop living their lives on the weekend. Today's update will actually be short (but maybe not so sweet):

-In an attempt to continually remind the public she doesn't spend all her money on Cheeto's, Red Bull, or doggie chandeliers, Britney Spears has reportedly donated $400,000 to tsunami victims.
-Paris Hilton is releasing sex tape number two, for those of you who just can't get enough of that hook-nose.
-This could get confusing: Paris (Hilton) has been spotted with Paris (Latsis). The 25 year old Greek shipping heir might want to consider a nickname.
-Back to Britney- She's reportedly upset director Billy Woodruff by failing to mention in her latest Letter of Truth, Y'all that they had, in fact, WORKED TOGETHER BEFORE. This situation becomes particularly embarassing when you note that Britney described Woodruff as a "young, hungry director" in the LoT,Y. Despite the fact that Woodruff has directed videos for Outkast, Backstreet Boys, TLC, and numerous Toni Braxton videos, as well as the feature Honey. Oh, and he also directed YOUR video (Overprotected), Britney dear. Whoops.
PS. Cletus Federline (alias "Kevin") gets a motorcycle to shut him up.
and finally..
-Hell Hath No Fury LIke A Lesbian Scorned- Ellen DeGeneres' ex-girlfriend is considering legal action. Alex Hedison is looking to sue Ellen on palimony charges, and possibly Portia de Rossi, Ellen's current girlfriend, for "alienation of affection".

in this issue: Aaron Carter Nearly Dies, Pop Tart Update, And More!!

2005-01-08T01:42:00.000-05:00

It is late, so these will be short. However, tonight is all about quality, not quantity.
Interesting bits to chew upon:

-It seems there is a new Triumvirate of Punk Rawk. Ashlee Simpson, Avril Lavigne, and now Lindsay Lohan. The fine folks at stereogum report that La Lohan's latest video, "Over" is plastered with posters of L7, the Dead Kennedys, and CBGB. I'm sure Avril is jealous.
-For those of you who still care about the Olsen Twins, they've annouced a line of fragrances (two, because OMG there are two of them!!!!11) Coast to Coast NY, and Coast to Coast LA, to represent their "dual lifestyle". One supposedly smells citrus-y, and the other is tropical. But I forget which is which. How appropriate!
-God clearly has today off: Aaron Carter is still alive, after an accident involing his SUV flipping over and catching on fire. I mean, that's what Escalades are for, right?
-As par for the course, I report the obligitory Celebrity One-Uppage re: Tsunami Victims. Actress Jane Kaczmarek (of Malcolm in the Middle fame) plans to auction off celebrity clothes from the Golden Globe awards, with the proceeds going to the tsunami victims.
-Daily Pop Tart Update: Jessica Simpson is suing a California jeweler over unauthorized use of her likeness. I'm sure no one was able to tell the fake Jessica from the real one anyhow. No harm done.
-Did someone say crack whore? No, it's just Courtney Love. My bad. She is reportedly looking to sell her NY apartment in order to get her life back together and regain custody of her daughter, Francis Bean.
-Skank Wars : Purfume Style. It has been reported that Britney Spears' fragrance "Curious" has outsold Paris Hilton's cleverly titled "Paris" scent by a great margin. And so, the war over smelling like Cheeto dust and Red Bull versus cocaine and manjuice has a clear winner. Hurrah for Cheeto Dust!!
-Premature Enuptialization: Rumor had it that Cameron "That Movie Paparazzi Was All About Me" Diaz and Justin "Cry Me A River" Timberlake were engaged. Turns out they were bored and prank calling E!NewsDaily for kicks or something.
-In other marriage news, the world is ending because Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt are officially discussing their separation in public. The rumors have been a'flyin' for quite some time now, and it seems that the pressure has finally gotten to America's Favorite Couple (TM) so ladies, start your engines.
-In less interesting celebrity makeup/breakup news, Snoop Double Dizzle is looking to get back with his wife. The high school sweethearts had been separated for seven months. Although it seems if Snoop cannot vow to stay away from pot, he probably can't stay away from his wife of seven years either. I will keep you posted.
-It took long enough.Online Petition to Ban Ashlee Simpson from Public Broadcast & Print. Too bad those damn things never help.
- This should be filed under "Would Have Been Interesting Eight Years Ago": HANSON: THE MOVIE!!!
-PS. Catwoman finalizes divorce with whoever it was she was married to.

did I say short?? Oh well.

A VERY IMPORTANT PS- golden fiddlecollapsed on the set of goldenfiddle.com, suffering from "dehydration and exhaustion; a condition only worsened by what internet experts have called a "totally ridiculous server load," and not at all related to an excessive clubbing habit on goldenfiddle's part. (Acid reflux has not been ruled out.)" Our thoughts and prayers are with golden fiddle.

slow snark day?

2005-01-07T01:27:00.000-05:00

It seems, after Ms. Simpson's latest debacle,
everyone is taking a bit of a breather
(and by 'bit' I mean twenty-four hour break)
from doing something notoriously stupid.
Good for their careers? Perhaps.
Good for this blog? Probably not.
Since it's technically Friday in this section of the world,
let's take a look back on the week, which was filled
with plenty tempting celebrity mishaps:

First, Britney shocked us all with her latest Letter of Truth,
wishing her fans "happy holidays, y'all *gumsnap*" as well
as detailing her latest exploits in the field of directing.
Somewhere, Orson Welles weeps. She is looking to direct
a musical she is working on, which "makes fun of the whole Hollywood scene."
The title? Hollywood. Stroke of genius there, Mrs. Federline.
And as she takes one step forward, she manages to take a step back as well-
At the gym, apparently Britney needed help working her iPod. (pictures via stereogum)
Oh and who can forget Britney's new song that's been making the internet rounds?
Mona Lisa sounds more like a collaboration with the WB frog, but feel free to listen and judge for yourself.
Unfortunately, most of our other favorite pop tarts have been strangely absent
from gossip headlines this week.For instance, La Lohan, while having phoned in
a rather weak performance at Mtv's new years eve bash, hasn't
gotten nearly the backlash Ashlee has recieved for her
recent career malfunction. But hey, we'll take snark wherever we can get it.

one-liners:
-Celebs (Sandra Bullock, Steven Spielberg, et al) are making headlines with
increasinly larger donations to the tsunami relief effort. But I'm sure you already knew that.
-It's official: no one can tell Mary-Kate and Ashley apart. And no one cares.
-It wasn't just trimpsa that allowed Anna Nicole Smith to lose all that weight (REALLY?)
-Paris Hilton stood up her own club opening in Orlando.
-Colin Farrell touts that paying for sex is akin to ordering a pizza. The hookers of the world salute you, I am sure.

that's all the snark I can take for today.

p.s. golden fiddle is down.
my life is over. please come back, golden fiddle.

ashlee-gate, cont'd.

2005-01-05T01:51:00.000-05:00

so, I finally managed to get a hold of the Ashlee Simpson video from the orange bowl.
I felt the best way to express my feelings was to write a short letter to Ashlee:

Dear Ashlee "Me, Too!" Simpson,
First of all, thank you for displaying your true talent
for the nation to witness. Those of us who were on the fence
about your acid-reflux and subsequent mockery of live music performance
now have something substantial to base hatred on, if the SNL incident
was somehow not enough. I would like to know, how do you plan
to honestly continue after two hugely embarassing,
career-killing stunts like that? Do you not realize that any credibility
that you ever had (besides the role of Jessica "Tuna or Chicken?" Simpson's little sister)
has been ripped to shreds much the same way your adorable punk rawk glovins were?
Oh by the way, your stylist needs a severe kick in the head.
The fact that you were wearing an ass cape on national television is
not something I can allow to slide past my ultra-scrutinizing fashion radar.
A sincere thank you for the tremendous amount of schadenfreude,
Me
-----

The best part was, amidst the wave of booing,
you could clearly hear one guy yelling "you suck!".
Sir, you are a True American Hero.