Friday, December 09, 2005

News For the Month of December

Hi. I'm Priscilla. I'm Candices bff. That's right I've spent many a night writing her civil war letters, making smoothies and quesidillas and watching MST3k while having a beer. I am very honored that she allowed me to submit some of my news stories to her infamous blog. I hope you find them good. Everything I write is true.

Here are some current headlines:

Abercrombie and Fitch to Make Models get Tattood'd

In recent news, Abercrombie has decided to create a more 'vintage appeal' to go with 2006's new line of, "dirty like a slave" collection. Models of course cannot be Black or Hispanic, or Chinese, but will however be forced into getting permanent tattoos of a dirty appearence. CEO of Abercrombie says he thinks this will make a lasting impression in society by "bringing back the old American look, to live the new American Dream". The top models of course will be getting special treament and at no additonal cost will be getting actual fabric numbers swen into their backs. To go with their new line, they need something really fucking hip, each shirt will come with Dave Matthews Band lyrics embrioded inside using 100% lycra and 85% spandex. The models claimed " as long as we keeping getting weed in return of standing in really strong poses when waves are crashing at our feet, we will do whatever it takes to make Abercombie a fashion staple in todays society. "


After. Clearly an improvement.

Actress Jena Malone (Donnie Darko, United States of Leland) Is Really A Toungeless Sea Serpant.

clearly no tounge.

I knew there had to be something up when every role I have seen of this actress makes her sound like a fourteen year old boy with a retainer in trying to tell some girl he loves her. I was right! But how right?! My accusastions of Jena actually being a monster with no 'strongest muscle' in the body were DEAD ON! When I called her on it in at the red carpet premiere of some shitty movie she turned into a giant greenish flesh sack with scales and with a deep voice said something along the lines of, " I jusd wanted to be loved, itd so hard for me to be a schea scheaperent, i thoudt id make my family proud." and then she cried like a bitch. Holding her scaley appenendged in tow, she made out like Alec Mac and dissolved into a puddle of silverish water never to be seen again.

Florida New State Motto: Where Incompetency Thrives

We asked several persons at several gas stations what this new motto meant to them, their blank stares and "I donknows" told us Florida has finally made a good choice.

Virginia Angry At Hotel Bible Theif

Reports have been coming in that several men with curly hair, a naisly voice, and overlylarge noses have been raiding local motels at knife point demanding keys and stealing all the bibles replacing them with strange potato patties that authorities believe to be "some foreign like dish that must be from some foreign place." The suspects also reportidly had a schmitvah when "Georgie (one of the robbers) dropped several pennies. Cheif Depty Richard Brinkly said, " We think we have the main suspects." Later showing a picture of the Hamburglar.

This photo was submitted by a witness who happened to be drawing a charicature in the parking lot of the event.

Vattican to Introduce Innovative Bible Belt

The new "Bible Belt" was introduced by Italian designers and devout catholics in order to make religion a little more portable. Even more comfortable to carry than the pocket bible. Cardinal Thomas Aquanis stated, "not only is it a traditional form of praise, and very durable and light, it is EXTREMLEY easy to take off little boys."

The Christian Home Shopping Network reported the device as selling out within three seconds to ONE person, with the initials M.J.

Well it certainly has been a busy week in the world of news, please stay tuned for more truth.

Thursday, November 03, 2005

Nicole Richie Likes Heroin!

According to this article, Nicole would try heroin again if she had the opportunity. Because, really, it must be sooo hard to score heroin in her position. She'd try it again because "that's her personality". What the hell does that even mean? She enjoys being heated up in rusty spoons? She likes shooting needles in her arm? I don't get it. I also find it hard to believe that she's only "tried" heroin. It comes as no coincidence that basically every strung out addict you see is STICK FUCKING THIN. Yet, Richie claims that all her weight was lost naturally. Yes, naturally, she didn't eat and shot heroin all the time. Very natural, I'd say.
The article also goes on to detail that Nicole would like exactly five kids, three girls and twin boys. If the boys are not twins, they'll be thrown out and her and DJ AM will try again.
Even though her dad is trying to stick up for her and defend her weight loss by saying she's probably jus stressed from the wedding, Nicole is so hopped up on smack that she can't even see when her father is making excuses for her. She "had no idea what he meant by that". Man, this girl must have the brain power of a pea.
She should really cut down on the heroin.

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

Would You Want Jessica Simpson's Advice?

It looks like Jessica just can't take it anymore. She's been seeing a therapist because all this gossip about her marriage being destroyed is, uh...actually destroying her marriage. Ironic. But the most interesting part of this article (although it's more of a blurb, really) is that Jessica mentions that "I would be a therapist if I weren't an entertainer."
Woah. Let's slow down here. Jessica Simpson, lisenced therapist? How could that possibly go well? I don't know if Jessica realizes that being a therapist means she has to string sentences together coherently that aren't already written for her. I can only imagine the things she would say to a suicidal patient, or (heh) a couple in need of marriage counseling.
"We don't even sleep in the same bed anymore. Is this normal, Dr. Simpson?" they might ask.
"That's perfectly natural, y'all! Me and my husband haven't slept in the same bed for three years! In fact, I don't even think we live with each other anymore. I'd have to ask my daddy about that."
Yes, I can see Jessica flourishing in the field of therapy. It's too bad she's got such a strong acting career, otherwise she might want to think about switching fields.

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Her Dream, My Nightmare.

I seem to gravitate towards items of interest that are either fake, possibly photoshopped, or just all around ridiculous. Today's bit of news is no different. The National Ledger reports that Katie Holmes may pull a Demi Moore and pose naked and pregnant for a willing and desperate magazine. I don't even care at this point if you think the relationship is real or not, just read this:
"Tom sees this baby as a gold mine of publicity." And Katie is willing to do whatever Tom wants."
I've never been a big fan of either of these celebrities (if Katie even really deserves that title. Dawson's Creek does not a star make! Just look at James Van Der Beek.) But the fact that Tom Cruise is using the birth of his first biological father (although that is also questionable) to boost his publicity is just sickening. Not to mention the fact that Katie is so brainwashed by those clams that she no longer has a mind of her own to object to anything Crazy Tom may throw her way. Next thing you know, he'll have her tour the United States by train, spouting the wonders of Scientology while wearing an L. Ron Hubbard mask.
This whole relationship makes me sick.

Monday, October 24, 2005

Paris Has Out-Parised Herself.

Browsing Defamer, I came upon this little gem of a photo. Paris Hilton, on a runway somewhere, with nothing but a streaker jacket and some patterned underwear separating her from the elements. Unfortunately, if you take a closer look (and I did, although you might not want to), you may notice that Paris' anatomny is...less than desirable. I will freely admit that I don't come across that many nearly naked asses in my life, but I must point out the curiousness of Ms. Hiltons ass flap hanging down behind her brightly colored underwear. It looks sort of like a hooker's version of a mud flap, although I really do not want to ponder if it serves a similar purpose. I think there's some cameltoe action going on over there too, but I cannot bring myself to investigate that closely.
I'm not sure if she was about to take off in a series of cartwheels down the runway, but that is the only possible explanation for the pose captured in this photo. And while you can't make out too many of the faces in the background, you know that most of them are probably thinking "My ass looks better than that and I'm twice her age."
PS. Paris, those boots? Ugly.