Today: Elektra Lost Game of Hide & Seek

- Cletus Federline to get a "metrosexual" makeover for a magazine we will never see. Hey, if BitBit can't get on the cover, at least one Spears-Federline can, right?
- Tara Reid is so desperate (third item) to find a man she calls on Ellen DeGeneres, completely overlooking how totally awkward that is.
-The Monday Numbers:
1. Hide and Seek $22M total: $22M
2. Are We There Yet? $17M total: $39.1M
3. Million Dollar Baby $11.8M total: $21.1M
4. Coach Carter $8M total: $53.6M
5. Meet the Fockers $7.6M total: $258M
6. The Aviator $7.51M total: $68.2M
7. Sideways $6.33M total: $40M
8. In Good Company $6.2M total: 35.9M
9. Racing Stripes $6.05M total: $34.6M
10. Assault on Precinct 13 $4.24M total: 14.7M
Oh, oh Dear. What in the world happened to Elektra? Poor thing only made about $1.5M this weekend. It dropped all the way to number 16! I'd feel bad except, you konw, that should've happened opening weekend. However, Meet the Fockers still managed to make it into the top five. I won't be happy until I never have to mention that movie again.
- Ben Stiller is neurotic. It's okay Ben, you're a Jew. All of us are like that.
- Portia De Rossi wastes no time...after only two months, she went out and bought Ellen DeGeneres a wedding ring. Unfortunately, the state of California won't recognize their marriage. Let's just hope they don't decide to get each other's initials tattooed on their asses instead, eh?
- Lara Flynn Boyle gives a free show to the passengers of a 10 hour flight from LA to London. She mounted a passenger and attempted to get him to put on his clothes (she, of course, was naked) Imagine waking up to THAT on a flight.
- Paris Hilton: Binge Drinker? Maybe she's just upset because her valentines to Nick Carter have been posted all over the internet. (eighth item)
- Leonardo DiCaprio receives a lifetime achievement award for being really really ridiculously good-looking. Or maybe it was for acting, I don't really remember.
- Michael Jackon fans horde outside Courthouse, presumably hoping to jam their way in as a jury member because OMG HE'S LIEK TOTALLY INNOCENT.
- Irony Cackles; Hillary Clinton Collapses while giving speech on health care.
- Too Dirty For Britney Must Mean It's Really Fucking Dirty. Apparently, dog shit on the floor of Britney's house doesn't bother her, but a dirty Chevon gas station bathroom is way too UGH. (sixth item)
- Red Hot Chili Peppers' Flea manages to find a girl who doesn't mind that he's batshit crazy. Until she realizes that marriage means she can't sleep with other men.
- Chris Rock has moved on to hosting the Oscarsfrom the MTV Awards because he says he is "too old" also, "they don't even PLAY music anymore. What the fuck is up with that?"
-Cletu-Kevin Federline, Actually Carrying Britney's Baby?

Today: I Keep Ground Bat In My Glove Compartment, Too

- Friendship Bats must be all the rage now, seeing as how Angelina Jolie gave Brad Pitt a a vial of dried bat as a way to ward off accidents. (3rd item)
-Poor Tara Reid. She's spent so much time yakking to the press lately about how smart she is, and yet the critics don't seem to care.
-First Dualstar, then the world. MK and A finally gain control over their massive media empire.
- At some point today, Variety tells us, we will find out wether A&E or TNT paid out the ass for the rights to Sopranos in syndication. The pricetag may reach up to $2.1 million per episode. At that rate (and since these are cable stations) I imagine they'll only be able to afford four episodes to rerun.
- Mischa Barton tries her best to make Keds cool again.
- Dear Kate Moss and Pete Mylifeisin(Baby)shambles- MAKE UP YOUR MIND. If I have to report that they have broken up and/or gotten back together again, I'm going to lose my mind. That, and I'm running out of jokes about crack.
- But yet last week, they tell us Paris Hilton is hosting? That is SO not hot.
- Gwen Stefani to start an army of Harajuku girls?
- Britney wants you to care. Really, really badly. She may as well get a LiveJournal.
-Hey, Veronica Mars fans, listen up. The show is finally getting some proper dues. Kirsten Bell, Joel Silver, and producers of the Best Show Ever are getting honored at the William S. Paley Museum of Radio and Television on March 14th.

Today: The World Needs More Superheroes That Resemble Ringo Starr

school is hard; celebrities kept quiet. therefore, not a lot to snark on.

- Tara Reid's second attempt in one week to make people think she's not a drunken crack whore. She's a SMART drunken crack whore. And don't you forget it!
-I guess Tinkerbell (or 'rat', as my Mass Media Professor upset Paris by calling it) got too big for her home (aka Paris' purse). Paris has gone out and adopted a Rottweiler puppy. (second item)
- Wrapping up loose ends at Sundance. Blah blah hipster films picked up by Focus Features, etc etc Strangers With Candy film blah-wait. Strangers With Candy- The Movie? Color me interested.
-The Sequel No One Needed aka The Passion of the Clerks, begins filming in April. I was hoping he was going to use the title Clerks 2: Hardly Clerkin' myself.
- Depp Hates the Oscars, Won't Shut up About it. If he hates them so much he could, you know, NOT GO. or maybe STOP ACTING.
- Beyonce starts a clothing line so more young women can be bootylicious, too. "It's a takeoff of sparkle. ... It's sort of Supremes-era," she said. I don't like the sound of that.
- This makes perfect sense. I've been waiting for the day when Ringo Starr would FINALLY get his own superhero-likeness.
- Marlon Brando voted sexiest man by gay magazine. I have a few questions and concerns. a) I hope they didn't mean now, because I find it hard to believe this magazine caters to gay necrophiliacs. b) is this a blind gay mans (braille) magazine?
- Mrs. Jackson is a year late, blaming Justin Timberlake for her daughters "wardrobe malfunction".

Today: Even ABC Doesn't Care About Your Wedding, Star

- Bridezilla Gets Deleted; Skips Work in Protest. Star Jones-Reynolds boycotted work for a day after learning that ABC execs removed all of the InStyle plugs from Star's wedding extravaganza superspectacular special. Jones-Reynolds said, of the sickout "No one, including ABC, tells me what to say or what to do with my life." But apparently ABC does, indeed, tell her what to do with her life, because they threatened to fire her if she didn't return to work.
-Is is a coincidence that Drew Barrymore just happened to be shopping for wedding gowns with lead Strokes Julian Casablancas hanger-on Juliet Joslin? We think not.
-Paris and Nicole looking to launch solo careers? (second item) Apparently Paris is getting sick of sharing the spotlight. Imagine that.
- Nicole Kidman looks to get a restraining order for two Australian photographers. She could always pull a Cameron Diaz and just snatch the cameras herself.
- Island Def Jam is pulling a Jive and pushing back the release of Mariah's upcoming album. They say they need more time to "promote" it, which means they will tell the Mariah Carey street team to get cracking on some well-executed flyers made in MS paint and bum rush the local mall with ads.
- Brad Pitt slaps on his cowboy gear; women all over the nation salivate and quietly thank god that he's again single.
- Fans call De Niro a sellout for his Amex commercial, it's only a matter of time before they hang him in effigy for the Taxi Driver sequel.
- Everyone's favorite Stop Ashlee Simpson petition, now serving over 220,000 customers.
- Posh Spice so desperate for work she offers help to Britney Spears. I hope she knows she wouldn't be getting that job anytime soon.
- Britney Spears claims to have an alter ego, Mona Lisa. So, that brilliant song is actually about her, then? She's more self-aware than I thought.
-According to this site, you can get Andy Dick to do whatever Andy Dick does at your party for only $15-20,000!
- Smokey says the only way to prevent fires from taking out major train lines is to stop watching Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle.
- John Goodman Watch- Alive and Well at Sundance.
-The American Public are, thankfully, not the only people who thought Elektra sucked. Garner thought it was crap too, but it was in her "contract". Was it in her "contract" to date her perpetual-off-the-wagon costar Affleck as well?
- Elizabeth Hurley: creating new eating disorders for women everywhere.
- Courtney Love was unaware that eating will make you gain weight. Although I suppose when you're on a heroin and..uh, heroin diet, you don't tend to pack on the pounds. Welcome to our world, Courtney, dear.
-Well, that was quick Did someone fall off the wagon again?

Today: Hofstra University's Internet Connection Blows; Blows Hard

I apologize for the brevity of today's update. I just got settled back at school, and the internet connection is less than stellar here. I haven' had the time, or the patience to dredge up any more news for the day. I hope this is a one-time thing.

- Is it a problem with Britney, or just millions of us wishing that she will never, ever get pregnant, for the sake of mankind?
-Tis' the Season! Oscar Nominations are here! Nothing really exciting, like every year.
-Paris Hilton, worried that her name has fallen off the gossip pages of most major newspapers, has somehow managed to let valentines to Nick Carter (yeah, that one from Backstreet Boys, remember?) slip our of her hands and into Page Six's. Apparently, Paris (aka Le Bean) is a real romantic. An excerpt: "I don't want you to ever worry because I would never fuck this up for anything in the world. It's been really hard for me these past couple of months and I'm so happy I found you. You are the shit and I love you to death."
- Britney's New Album Pushed Back...To Never? Somehow, with her recent foray into trailer trash queen, I doubt Jive is all that excited to promote anything with her name on it.
- New Season of Making the Band to be All-Girls; Expect 80% Increase in Bitching from Last Season.
- Pete Doherty is desperately scrambling on the wagon so he can ride with Kate Moss until one or both fall off.
-England is sure to be pleased with Puff Diddy, P. Daddy, or whatever stupid nickname he insists people call him these days. He has a £50million bid to turn one of Andrew Lloyd Webber's theatres into a...nightclub.
- Defamer retracts their speculation about the Desperate Housewives snubbing the media,etc (from yesterday's update) as an undisclosed party writes in to give their POV of the event. From the network? NO. Never!

PS. I hope you watched Veronica Mars tonight.

Today: I Give the Movie-Going Public A Stern Talking-To

-Paris Hilton attends Sundance, Indie Cred Shoots up Ten Points. But, it comes at the expense of running into her only two natural enemies, Shanndn Doherty, and Rick Salomon.
- Snoop Dogg wants to coach the Steelers. Maybe if he got the gig, he could get them to the Superbowl next year. Fo' shizzle.
- Christina Aguilera soon to be Mrs. Bratman? How appropriate.
-The Monday Numbers:
1. Are We There Yet?- $18.5M total: $18.5M
2.Coach Carter- $11M total: $43.2M
3.Meet the Fockers- $10.2M total: $248M
4.In Good Company: $8.5M total: $28M
5.Racing Stripes: $7.06M total: $27.3M
6.Assault on Precinct 13: $7.02M total: $8.57M
7.The Phantom of the Opera: $5.01M total: $33.6M
8.White Noise: $5M total: $49.4M
9.The Aviator: $4.82M total: $58M
10.Elektra: $3.83M total: $20.2M
Can we, as American citizens, think about maybe NOT seeing Meet the Fockers for the fourth time and instead, oh, I don't know, head down to the local library and pick up a book? I don't even care if it has pictures in it. Hell, it can be a biography of Ben Stiller for all I care. But please, America, stop before this sequel that was supposed to flop makes 300 mill at the box office. I'd be really irate right now if it wasn't for the fact that at least we, as a nation, can recognize that Elektra is total crap and let it sink like the foul stone it is.
- Gawker readers have some great sketch ideas for this weeks SNL host, everyone's favorite celebutant, Paris Hilton. I hope Tina Fey is reading.
-Teri Hatcher must really miss doing those Radio Shack commercials. Apparently, she snubbed her co-stars at a Desperate Housewives event. However, it seems the rest of the Housewives decided to snub the media that showed up to interview them for the event.
-And after they snub, the Housewives look to cash in.
- Audrey Toutou is the latest to join the cast of The DaVinci Code, the book that was sure to become a movie the second Nelson DeMille praised it. She'll be starring opposite Tom Hanks and a bunch of paintings.
- The Mouse Gets its Own 24-Hour News Network. Disney launches ABC News Now. The rumbling of CNN's stomach can be heard in the distance
- This shocking report questions the stability of J.L-Jennifer Lopez and her wifehusband Marc Anthony's marriage.
- Well at least Kate Moss and Pete Doherty have something in common to talk about. They can share drug bust stories! Aw, that's so romantic.
- Has someone been spying on Nicole Kidman?It's probably those damn Scientologists.
- Is Drew Barrymore looking to get married again? I doubt Fabrizio will write 'drew I love you' on his bum or design purses with Monica Lewinsky.
-Stop Ashlee Update:closing in on 200,000 signatures. Unfortunately, the petition is hard to take seriously when some of the signatures include Britney Spears, President Bush, Nick Lachey, and Bart Simpson. But hey, at least we're trying, right?
- The Pitt Split is Profitable for Everyone! Timely t-shirts that you will only be able to wear until Brad is officially shacking up with Angelina. Then, to the thrift store they go.
-I can finally watching Trading Spaces again Paige Davis, who has taken a page (haha get it?) out of Cyndi Lauper's book on how to be incredibly irritating, is leaving the show. Apparently they're looking to try a hostless format on for size, but I'm hoping they'll find Alex doing off-Broadway plays or something and convince her to host again.
- Predictably, Catwoman racks up the Razzie nominations, with a total of seven.
-For those of you who are jersey x core, welcome to the apocalypse.
-Why can't we all just be friends? Tara Reid, apparently thinking she's 14 again, was on TRL today throwing snowballs at pictures of Lindsay Lohan or something. Now Tara, don't get testy. We all know Paris likes Lohan better anyway.

Today: A Solemn, Short Update

RIP, Johnny Carson
1925-2005

defamer has their own tribute, as well as a link to the cnn story.

Today: An Important Public Service Announcement!

-Page six six six gives a transcript of entertainment tonight, featuring Tara Reid, trying to make herself sound like less of a deranged crack-job.
- John Goodman isn't having a good week, is he? He may not be dead, but it looks like his career is.
- The Save Topher t-shirt. Get yours today, before his publicist shuts them down!
-Breaking News: Everybody Loves Raymond to end. Now we can finally see Romano show off his acting chops in features like Welcome to Mooseport. Hmm...on second thought, keep those reunion show options open, Ray.
-Farrah Fawcett, Cerebral Palsy victim? (With apologies to those with cerebral palsy). Oh, how the mighty have fallen. Does this mean Cameron Diaz will look like a melted barbie doll in twenty years too?
-Didn't anyone in Hollywood read the memo that video games make shitty movies? I guess not, because they're making Spyhunter (of all games to choose from!) starring The Rock (as the car?).
-Public Service Annoucement: Someone, please tell Juliette Lewis that a) she is not funny on I Love the 90s, part deux b) she is not funny, period c) she should get off whatever drugs she's taking that prevent her from forming coherent sentences about things that happened less than ten years ago.
- Another Tim Burton Featuring Johnny Depp Production It's called Nigh- I mean Corpse Bride.
-It's a good thing Chicken of the Sea is not made from Dolphins, otherwise Jessica Simpson wouldn't eat it. She's afraid of dolphins! Because they're scary, duh!
-Surprise! Britney's Not Pregnant. For the month.
- A lesson on Tanorexia, which, as everyone knows, is this year's anorexia.

Today: Celebrities Stabbed, Stinking, & Stealing

-Paris Hilton tries to prove how "hardcore" she is, by stealing a copy of HER OWN sex tape, as well as ripping down a poster. She's facing charges of petty theft and vandalism.
-George Clooney in Pain, Housewives Sip Wine, Fold Clothing & Weep. [via the post].
-Fugging It Ups favorite Celeb We've Never Heard of, Courtney Peldon, was stabbed on the set of Tobe Hooper's new horror film, Mortuary. The prop man "accidentally" gave her co-star a real knife instead of a dulled one. I wonder if he reads Fugging it Up.
-If Golden Fiddle hadn't said it, I would never have thought that was Courtney Love. Didn't we just see her looking emaciated and strung out during her court date? Is that what taking care of an eleven year old child does to your body? Courtney, for everyone's sake, please hurry up and fall off the wagon.
- Speed III: Romantic Liason? Almost. Sandra Bullock and Keanu Reeves are teaming up again, but unfortunately it won't feature a vehicle that can't stop moving, but perhaps a plot that actually moves instead.
-After We Ban Gay Marriage, Let's Ban Spongebob, Too! [via ONTD.] Some conservative Christian groups are attacking everyone's favorite cartoon who lives in a pineapple under the sea, because he is included in what they call a "pro-homosexual video".
-It's official, Josh Schwartz has lost is his mind. There are talks for an OC spinoff featuring The Forgotten Sister, Kaitlin Cooper.
-No, John Goodman isn't dead...yet. Despite this report. Those who put his name in the Death Pool, dont' get too excited.
-Sadly, Britney will never be featured in Good Housekeeping. How Can You Tell if it's Britney, Or the Dogs?

Today: Wilmer Valderrama Cannot Hold Onto Lohan; Can He Hold Onto His Own Sitcom Spinoff?

-Bob Marley + Anna Wintour 4EVER !!! Wait, What??
-The Golden Globe's withering ratings cause the TV Academy to rethink the Emmy telecast. One thought would be to dump the movie and miniseries awards, leaving enough time to watch West Wing win everything.
-Because movie studios just can't find enough classic books to ruin, Paramount has cast Julia Roberts, Oprah Winfrey, John Cleese, Steve Buscemi and others in the live-action/CGI version of Charlotte's Web.
-Taxi Driver Sequel? So basically, we'd get to see an aging Travis Bickle sit in his apartment, pet cats and talk to himself? I think the first one was enough, thanks.
-Geeks and Nerds alike will revel in the new fantastic four trailer, now available from Apple.
-So yesterday, we saw the latest pictures of Britney, complete with Mystery Ankle Rot. Apparently after she left the rest stop bathroom, she headed into a baby store, presumably to shop and tell the staff she was nine weeks pregnant, although judging on the pictures it looks like she spilled something on her outfit and barged into the store to change. But hey, anything to get those rumor mills talking, right? Thanks, Brit.
-Sharon Osbourne continues to talk about things no one wants to hear. She has undergone more plastic surgery, for perkier breasts. My favorite quote: "They're now pointing in the direction I want, and everything's looking up."
-Tara Reid is supposedly developing a television show based on her life. So, it'll pretty much be like Girls Gone Wild, but without the drunken self-awareness. And Mardi Gras beads.
-Milking the Cashcow: since both Ashton Kutcher and Topher Grace are leaving That 70s Show, desperate execs are looking to scrape the leftovers into That Fez Show. Defamer has some quality spin-off suggestions. Fox, I hope you're listening.
-Lindsay Lohan Cannot Swallow. I...I don't even know what else to say. I think the joke writes itself, don't you?
-Wolverine to be the next Bond? apparently producers forgot he was in Van Helsing.
-At Least One Lohan has Some Sense- Mrs. Lohan files for divorce from her creepy husband. [via ONTD]
-Is it possible to turn "you're fired!" and the accompanying hand gesture into a musical number? Apprentice, The Musical. Clearly no one has learned from "From Justin to Kelly".
-The Stop Ashlee Petition, hoping to reach 100,000 before tomorrow.
-OC competition? not for much longer: Kelly Osbourne vehicle "Life As We Know It" to get the can?

Today: More Golden Globe Goodness, Studio Heads Like Ruining our Favorite Movies for Fun & Profit, Plus More!

-Page Six gives you all the golden globe gossip you missed during the telecast. For instance, were you aware that Tobey Maguire dropped out of the gg presentation because he's too fat? My favorite bit: "Mischa Barton and Brandon Davis had a lovers' quarrel at the InStyle/Warner Bros. party, which ended when "Mischa slapped Brandon," a partygoer said. The temperamental twosome made up and left together shortly thereafter. " I knew I liked her for a reason.
-Colin Farrell is being sued for "harassing" a phone sex operator(second item). So I guess when he compared ordering pizzas to having sex with women, I guess he forgot about the whole "lawsuit" part.
- the La Lohan 'One Night in NOLA' photo essay continues, via Defamer.
-Peter Jackson buys rights to Alice Sebold novel The Lovely Bones, probably with the profits from the LOTR card game alone. [via variety]
-Disney wants to cash in on the Toy Story franchise, despite no longer having Pixar: [viaTHR]
-Pitt and Jolie waste no time- they were spotted together by the reputable Star magazine [via yahoo!] Although, Angelina claims she is simply a "shoulder to cry on". A really convenient, extremely good looking shoulder to cry on. Hmm.
-Sarah Jessica Parker pregnant again? Perhaps next time we'll search through her garbage for the results.
-Golden Fiddle is concerned about Teri Hatchers swaying noseholes. So are we.
-For those of you who feel they haven't been able to snark on Ms. Lohan enough lately, I present the Herbie: Fully Loaded poster. WINK!
-Britney <3s Public Restrooms: [via ONTD] Yes at least she is wearing shoes this time. However, it seems like her ankle has been infected with either ebola or The Black Death. Or maybe scabies? Girl cannot win.
-Disney To Try and Ruin a Good Thing, Volume 2 Mulan II- Saving China Was Just the Beginning. I weep.
-Breaking News: Nicole Richie is Actually 45 Fucking Years Old: [via ONTD]
-Is someone hacking into Hilton's e-mails? Her personal e-mails probably look a lot like my spam.
-CBS wants Jon Stewart to be the next Dan Rather? [via yahoo!] I'm not sure Stewart would be able to report "real news" with a straight face.
-If you were to choose a list of artists to cover Eric Clapton's 'Tears in Heaven', I sincerely hope you would not be as tone-deaf to pick the following list, courtesy of Stereogum. They couldn't get Cyndi Lauper to round out that ear-splitting, decibel- shattering team?
-I'm sure, by now, we've all seen the brad/angelina/jen on the phone lj icon floating around..but have you seen the paris/la lohan one?? Enjoy.
PS. You should be watching Veronica Mars. I mean it.

Today: The Golden Globe Aftermath, A Pitt Split Update, & A Shit Ton About Britney

Apparently, Defamer and I had the same idea. Sit down and recap the Golden Globes, live, as they happen !!! Sadly, that did not turn out so well. The ceremony was boring and predictable, so much so that I broke my rule of only surfing the internets during commercial breaks (which followed every single award given) to actually check my e-mail while people made their speeches. And I quote Defamer: "Even Jim Carrey, a man who spent the better part of the 90's speaking through his anus, could offer nothing more than some half-hearted, pidgin Italian when he introduced the head of the Hollywood Foreign Press. Whither the ass-ventriloquism? Not here." Agreed. Note to the Hollywood Foreign Press: perhaps look into getting Carrot Top to host next year? I hear he's popular with the kids.

-Olsen Twins to Separate. Man, has 2005 been a shitty year, or what?
-For all those who thought the end of Fitness Made Simple workout videos arriving direct to your door was here, fear not. fitnessmadesimple.com has released a statement saying that everyone's favorite egg-headed exercise enthusiast, John Basedow, isn't and never was in Thailand, despite internet reports stating he'd gone missing after the tsunami. Whew.
-Sylvester Stallone Won't Give Up. Another Rambo film, which I'm sure will do wonders for his slowly sinking career. Cop Land, anyone?
-Springer to host radio talk show, which surprisingly features left leaning political news & discussion, rather than crack whores sleeping with their mothers and dogs. UPGRADE.
-Mischa Barton whines about being beautiful. She said in an interview with Britain's Cosmopolitan magazine: "It kind of irritates me that I'm seen as this pretty face. People also say I'm too thin. The truth is, pretty people aren't as accepted as other people. It comes with all these stigmas. It's like, 'She's pretty and thin, so she's got to have problems. She must be anorexic or depressed or bitchy." And somehow, I can see her point. God this love of the OC will be my downfall.
-People, please shut the fuck up about Jennifer Garner. [bitching courtesy of ONTD ] This bloggers opinion: she looks like a duck. The end.
-You know your love life is in the shitter when you're taking dating advice from Jamie-Lynn Spears, America's Favorite Younger Sister. Pretty Soon, Your BFF Could Turn Into A True BF! LIEK OMG.
-Speaking of the Spears', OMG-FM: Britney plans to work as a producer for a daily talk show, as a form of on the job training. She is looking to get her own radio talk show, y'all! *gumsnap*
-Superthin Supermodel Kate Moss is reportedly seeing former Libertines member Pete Doherty. Let us all remember that Pete was kicked out of the band for his numerous drug addictions. Good choice, Kate!
-Vincent Gallo: Douchebag About Hollywood Vincent Gallo calls Kirsten Dunst "a cold, curt nasty little witch of a brat on the phone" after she backed out of Brown Bunny. I think Gallo's just jealous that she had the idea to do that first. He goes on to insult other fine actors and actresses in this article, as well as famed film critic Roger Ebert. [via the post.]
-Mary J. Blige is being sued by Madonna's publishers, saying that Blige's Barbershop 2 song, "Not Today" is a ripoff of Madonna's 1983 hit "Holiday". And if I were residing over this case, I'd sue them both.
-Speaking of Madonna (or Esther, or whatever it is she goes by these days), she has asked Britney to star in the animated adaptation of Madonna's childrens book, 'The English Roses'. She'll be voicing the heroine Binah, who I guess is a Hindu god or something. Madonna has also managed to convince David Bowie and Snoop Dogg that even though shes married to Guy Ritchie,, she can put together a crap movie ALL ON HER OWN.
-The Monday Numbers [via imdb]
1.Coach Carter $23.6M total: 23.6M
2.Meet the Fockers $19M total: $231M
3.Racing Stripes $14M total: $14M
4.In Good Company $13.9M total: $14.4M
5.Elektra $12.5M total: $12.5M
6.White Noise $12.2M total: $41.2M
7.The Aviator $4.78M toal: $50M
8.Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events $3.96M total: $111M
9.The Phantom of the Opera $3.55M total: $26.4M
10.Ocean's Twelve $2.9M total: $120M
-the Tsunami fundraising "Concert of Hope" failed to draw numbers. It only averaged 5.7 million views on NBC. Comparatively, the "America: A Tribute to Heroes" 9/11 telethon averaged 59.3 million viewers. I guess most of America was too busy going to see Meet the Fockers.
-Speaking of tragedies, the fact that there was no prenuptial agreement means the Pitt Split will be filled with 50% more bitter arguments! Meanwhile, Aniston has moved in with her hairdresser, Chris McMillian. So now she has someone to stay up late with and watch Queer As Folk marathons and eat Ben & Jerrys.

Today: The Day I Postpone Golden Globe Commentary

In tomorrow's update:
Celebrities not afraid to dis interviewers, mention the tsunami over and over and over again, and either look fabulous or completely horrible.
All in all, a fairly typical awards show.
More tomorrow!

Today: The All Cameron Update

Oh MTV loves their celebrity (or celeb-reality, if you're on VH1) television shows. (And so do we! What a conincidence!) So much so that they manged to sign Ms. Diaz up for a new show called Trippin'. Woah. It appears the show will chronicle her friends traveling to countries (around the world!!!) with a focus on, like, the environment and stuff. Apparently, this show, including "stunts and stuff" has been in production forever and Diaz is SUPRPRISE a "fantastic asshole".
[mouth watering info courtesty of defamer]
Hope I didn't ruin your weekend.

Today: An Update before Nine PM!

My schedule is all off this week. But, as always, news first, bitching later.

-Lindsay Lohan starts Mardi Gras early? While her publicist denies reports of her being there, a picture, [courtesy of gawker, courtesy of college humor] says otherwise.
UPDATE: apparently La Lohan is in NOLA to film a new movie, "Just My Luck". And we all know what happens down there...apparently, lots of "cranberry juce and vodka soda." I hope they have a really good Lohan-lookalike. [bonus photo essay courtesy of defamer]
-Bigger than the Tsunami: Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen not eating?? Now there's a cause worth starting a telethon for.
-Milkbones Are The New Cheetos : aka WTF Jessica Alba? [golden fiddle, second entry.]
-Speaking of golden fiddle, we both agree: Pitckfork's new look- total downgrade.
-Want the TRUTH? Jennifer Aniston's myspace blog gives us THE TRUTH.
-VH1 plans to annouce they've bound and gagged Cameron "Downward Spiral" Diaz and forced her to agree to a reality show. Good luck finding details just yet.
-Love regains custody of Bean. I have no idea what she slipped the judges, but it obviously worked. Future headline: Francis Bean Runs Away From Home.
-Hey Pitckfork, are you looking for Celebrity Music Critic? Well, Jennifer Garner is your woman !!!!!!! Check out her iTunes Celebrity Playlist, via stereogum. Apparently, a lot of songs "really get her going". Affleck, are you listening? Keep these songs in mind if you want to get any. Especially that John Mayer one.
-Britney's 'Do Something' video. I cannot tell you how much it pains me not to be able to open and watch this file. Damn you, Quicktime!

Today: Latenight Gossip Roundup

I really need to get back on schedule.

-Ashley Olsen and friends reportedly destroyed a hotel room. Well, there goes that good girl reputation of hers. Wait, or was that her sisters? Hmm...
-Britney Spears writes a letter to Christina Aguilera, hoping to end their fued. She put it in her locker in hopes that Christina will read it and forgive her before lunch, because today is Pizza Day!
-Next Season's The Apprentice will take place on a Carnival cruise. The Love Boat, this aint.
-Kid Rock dropped from the Inaugural Bash. Apparently, Republicans are concerned that Mr. Rock is too conservative. Just kidding!
-Steven Spielberg moves ahead with his Abraham Lincoln (? yes.) biopic, and Liam Neeson is in talks to star. I hope he's workin' on that beard.
-Ben Affleck anarcoleptic? Or are all those reports of girlfriend Jennifer (no, the other one) being pregnant keeping him up nights? [speculation via defamer]
-E! Network, always on top at lowering the bar. Since there is a television camera ban inside Michael Jackson's trial, E! plans on airing dramatic re-enactments of it instead. Defamer suggests Claymation, however I think puppets would be way more effective.
-Paris is already sick of dating that other Paris, and has been spotted with another Greek in NYC, by the name of CHris Contogouris. From the picture I've seen, he must have a GREAT personality, and/or a ginormous dick. Not that he won't be gone in a week in either case.

Today: Two For One Special! Tuesday & Wednesday's News, Together!!

I apologize for the delay. There really wasn't enough noteworthy news on Tuesday for me to merit a post. (Besides, I was lazy.) This is probably the earliest update ever. Don't get too used to it, though.

-Breaking headlines in the world of sup-par pop artists: Ashlee Simpson and Ryan Cabrera are over.
-This is actually Britney's new purfume.
-Speaking of our favorite Pop Tart, She paid a visit to a homeless man street healer in Malibu. The "doctor" said his fingers were frozen still from her "power" after "treating her". Yes, she brought the dog.
-Bill O'Reilly has clearly broken his New Year's resolution of being less of an ass. He scoffed at the tsunami celebrity fundraiser, saying that the money wouldn't go to the victims. Upon hearing this, George Clooney, founder of the telethon and all around awesome guy, wrote O'Reilly a letter, asking him to put his money where is mouth is.
-Sharon Osbourne babbles that she is working on a biopic tv movie, and wants her extremely soothing daughter Kelly to play a young Sharon. Ech.
-Oh La Lohan, trucker hats are soo two years ago..[link via ONTD]
-Courtney Love manages to dress herself for a court appearance.
-Yes, Jersey has standards: "The Simple Life" had to do some location shuffling once the Buene Vista School District decided they didn't want Hilton and Richie as interns in their school system. They felt that Hilton would set a "bad example". Filming has relocated to the firehouse for that particular segment, although there is rumor that AC [Atlantic City for all of you non-Jersey residents not reading this] may be next on the list.
-Don King is seeking $2.5 Billion [yes, billion. that is not a typo.] in damages, saying he was portrayed in a "false light" on ESPN's Sports Century program. Good luck with that, Don.
-Pitt Split Speculation: Jennifer Aniston embarrassed by Brads interest in starting a family? Chew on that one for a while.
-Getting too into Character: Renee Zellweger wants to write. As in, books. Then turn it into a screenplay and star in it. [No, just kidding. But she does want to write. Seriously!]


Perhaps a few more scraps later on, if celebrities feel like doing anything stupid.
ps. golden fiddle is back. begin breathing again.

Today: Photoshoots Are The Root of All Celebrity Problems; I Just Cannot Stop Talking About Brad and Jennifer

Apparently the Pitt Split has left the nations celebrities paralyzed from living their lives. And thus, few headlines:

-Today's Extremely Non-PC Headline: Retarded Kennedy Sister Dies. Rosemary Kennedy, oldest sister of JFK and inspiration for the Special Olympics, is dead at the age of 86. Are there any Kennedy's left at this point? (Ted doesn't count. He's barely alive as it is.)
-Communication is Important. British supermodel Naomi Campbell is under the impression that her and Usher are together, and are scheduled to do a photoshoot together. However, Usher's rep is denying these rumors, saying she was just "an extra in Usher's video, and is clearly bitter about not getting a larger roll."
-Today's Obligitory Tsunami Relief Effort Update: Nicole Kidman is heading to Indonesia next week as an ambassador for UNICEF.
-Pitt Split No Surprise? One gawker reader reports that she had worked with Brad during a 9/11 telethon, and she was hit with a full blast of flirt. A friend of hers also happened to work on the set of Mr. & Mrs. Smith, and claims that Brad and Jolie did hook up.
-What the Fock? Meet the Fockers number one at the box office this weekend. Again. For the third week in a row.
-Cameron Diaz Acting Twelve: Cameron "You're Jus' Jellus" Diaz was reported at a Manhattan restuarant throwing ice at Deanna Miller, a Victoria's Secret Model who recently did a GQ photoshoot with Diaz's man, Justin Timberlake. When asked what in fuck's sake she was doing, Diaz giggled and twirled her hair, mentioning she had been aiming for someone else. Riiight.
-Johnny Depp is a Rock Star Medium: For his upcoming role as Willy Wonka in Tim Burton's 'Charlie and the Chocolate Factory', Depp has said that he looked to Marilyn Manson for inspiration. Marilyn Manson selling candy to small children, now THERE'S an image that Middle America would just love.
-File this under "We Wouldn't Have Cared Before 'Garden State' Came Out": Rumors that Zach "Ray Romano, Jr." Braff and Kirsten Dunst have been hooking up.
-Sorry Ladies, Vince Neil is off the market.
-Pitt Split Update (again): No, they aren't getting back together. But their production company, Plan B, will continue on, and the ex-couple will remain business partners. Note to Brad: Stay off of speakerphone.

Today: Slim Pickins

Weekends are normally quiet, but I dug up a couple of pieces worth (briefly) mentioning...

-Jennifer Garner dispels pregnancy rumors at the Elektra premiere. America rolls over; hits snooze button.
-Our Headline of the Year, the Brad and Jen Split, may have been caused by a little too much phone time with Angelina Jolie?
-Today's Obligitory Celebrity Tsunami Relief Effort: Darkness rock"star" is auctioning his guitar on Ebay. I'll give you three guesses where the proceeds are going.
-You know it's a slow news day when I'm talking about KISS...A woman, claiming to be an ex girlfriend of Gene Simmons, is suing him for slander, saying that she is being portrayed as a slut. Simmons responded by asking which reunion tour he slept with her on.
-Orlando Bloom is reportedly the new 007, or rather, the old one. Bloom will be starring in films highlighting the agents younger days, and also the days when he looked like a complete pussy.
-Crazy Gwen Stefani has her own L.A.M.B. digicam, dedicated to harajuku girls! OMG LIEK ADORABLE.

In this issue: Britney Spears Desparate to Make Headlines, and more!!

Apparently celebrities stop living their lives on the weekend. Today's update will actually be short (but maybe not so sweet):

-In an attempt to continually remind the public she doesn't spend all her money on Cheeto's, Red Bull, or doggie chandeliers, Britney Spears has reportedly donated $400,000 to tsunami victims.
-Paris Hilton is releasing sex tape number two, for those of you who just can't get enough of that hook-nose.
-This could get confusing: Paris (Hilton) has been spotted with Paris (Latsis). The 25 year old Greek shipping heir might want to consider a nickname.
-Back to Britney- She's reportedly upset director Billy Woodruff by failing to mention in her latest Letter of Truth, Y'all that they had, in fact, WORKED TOGETHER BEFORE. This situation becomes particularly embarassing when you note that Britney described Woodruff as a "young, hungry director" in the LoT,Y. Despite the fact that Woodruff has directed videos for Outkast, Backstreet Boys, TLC, and numerous Toni Braxton videos, as well as the feature Honey. Oh, and he also directed YOUR video (Overprotected), Britney dear. Whoops.
PS. Cletus Federline (alias "Kevin") gets a motorcycle to shut him up.
and finally..
-Hell Hath No Fury LIke A Lesbian Scorned- Ellen DeGeneres' ex-girlfriend is considering legal action. Alex Hedison is looking to sue Ellen on palimony charges, and possibly Portia de Rossi, Ellen's current girlfriend, for "alienation of affection".

in this issue: Aaron Carter Nearly Dies, Pop Tart Update, And More!!

It is late, so these will be short. However, tonight is all about quality, not quantity.
Interesting bits to chew upon:

-It seems there is a new Triumvirate of Punk Rawk. Ashlee Simpson, Avril Lavigne, and now Lindsay Lohan. The fine folks at stereogum report that La Lohan's latest video, "Over" is plastered with posters of L7, the Dead Kennedys, and CBGB. I'm sure Avril is jealous.
-For those of you who still care about the Olsen Twins, they've annouced a line of fragrances (two, because OMG there are two of them!!!!11) Coast to Coast NY, and Coast to Coast LA, to represent their "dual lifestyle". One supposedly smells citrus-y, and the other is tropical. But I forget which is which. How appropriate!
-God clearly has today off: Aaron Carter is still alive, after an accident involing his SUV flipping over and catching on fire. I mean, that's what Escalades are for, right?
-As par for the course, I report the obligitory Celebrity One-Uppage re: Tsunami Victims. Actress Jane Kaczmarek (of Malcolm in the Middle fame) plans to auction off celebrity clothes from the Golden Globe awards, with the proceeds going to the tsunami victims.
-Daily Pop Tart Update: Jessica Simpson is suing a California jeweler over unauthorized use of her likeness. I'm sure no one was able to tell the fake Jessica from the real one anyhow. No harm done.
-Did someone say crack whore? No, it's just Courtney Love. My bad. She is reportedly looking to sell her NY apartment in order to get her life back together and regain custody of her daughter, Francis Bean.
-Skank Wars : Purfume Style. It has been reported that Britney Spears' fragrance "Curious" has outsold Paris Hilton's cleverly titled "Paris" scent by a great margin. And so, the war over smelling like Cheeto dust and Red Bull versus cocaine and manjuice has a clear winner. Hurrah for Cheeto Dust!!
-Premature Enuptialization: Rumor had it that Cameron "That Movie Paparazzi Was All About Me" Diaz and Justin "Cry Me A River" Timberlake were engaged. Turns out they were bored and prank calling E!NewsDaily for kicks or something.
-In other marriage news, the world is ending because Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt are officially discussing their separation in public. The rumors have been a'flyin' for quite some time now, and it seems that the pressure has finally gotten to America's Favorite Couple (TM) so ladies, start your engines.
-In less interesting celebrity makeup/breakup news, Snoop Double Dizzle is looking to get back with his wife. The high school sweethearts had been separated for seven months. Although it seems if Snoop cannot vow to stay away from pot, he probably can't stay away from his wife of seven years either. I will keep you posted.
-It took long enough.Online Petition to Ban Ashlee Simpson from Public Broadcast & Print. Too bad those damn things never help.
- This should be filed under "Would Have Been Interesting Eight Years Ago": HANSON: THE MOVIE!!!
-PS. Catwoman finalizes divorce with whoever it was she was married to.

did I say short?? Oh well.

A VERY IMPORTANT PS- golden fiddlecollapsed on the set of goldenfiddle.com, suffering from "dehydration and exhaustion; a condition only worsened by what internet experts have called a "totally ridiculous server load," and not at all related to an excessive clubbing habit on goldenfiddle's part. (Acid reflux has not been ruled out.)" Our thoughts and prayers are with golden fiddle.

slow snark day?

It seems, after Ms. Simpson's latest debacle,
everyone is taking a bit of a breather
(and by 'bit' I mean twenty-four hour break)
from doing something notoriously stupid.
Good for their careers? Perhaps.
Good for this blog? Probably not.
Since it's technically Friday in this section of the world,
let's take a look back on the week, which was filled
with plenty tempting celebrity mishaps:

First, Britney shocked us all with her latest Letter of Truth,
wishing her fans "happy holidays, y'all *gumsnap*" as well
as detailing her latest exploits in the field of directing.
Somewhere, Orson Welles weeps. She is looking to direct
a musical she is working on, which "makes fun of the whole Hollywood scene."
The title? Hollywood. Stroke of genius there, Mrs. Federline.
And as she takes one step forward, she manages to take a step back as well-
At the gym, apparently Britney needed help working her iPod. (pictures via stereogum)
Oh and who can forget Britney's new song that's been making the internet rounds?
Mona Lisa sounds more like a collaboration with the WB frog, but feel free to listen and judge for yourself.
Unfortunately, most of our other favorite pop tarts have been strangely absent
from gossip headlines this week.For instance, La Lohan, while having phoned in
a rather weak performance at Mtv's new years eve bash, hasn't
gotten nearly the backlash Ashlee has recieved for her
recent career malfunction. But hey, we'll take snark wherever we can get it.

one-liners:
-Celebs (Sandra Bullock, Steven Spielberg, et al) are making headlines with
increasinly larger donations to the tsunami relief effort. But I'm sure you already knew that.
-It's official: no one can tell Mary-Kate and Ashley apart. And no one cares.
-It wasn't just trimpsa that allowed Anna Nicole Smith to lose all that weight (REALLY?)
-Paris Hilton stood up her own club opening in Orlando.
-Colin Farrell touts that paying for sex is akin to ordering a pizza. The hookers of the world salute you, I am sure.

that's all the snark I can take for today.


p.s. golden fiddle is down.
my life is over. please come back, golden fiddle.

ashlee-gate, cont'd.

so, I finally managed to get a hold of the Ashlee Simpson video from the orange bowl.
I felt the best way to express my feelings was to write a short letter to Ashlee:

Dear Ashlee "Me, Too!" Simpson,
First of all, thank you for displaying your true talent
for the nation to witness. Those of us who were on the fence
about your acid-reflux and subsequent mockery of live music performance
now have something substantial to base hatred on, if the SNL incident
was somehow not enough. I would like to know, how do you plan
to honestly continue after two hugely embarassing,
career-killing stunts like that? Do you not realize that any credibility
that you ever had (besides the role of Jessica "Tuna or Chicken?" Simpson's little sister)
has been ripped to shreds much the same way your adorable punk rawk glovins were?
Oh by the way, your stylist needs a severe kick in the head.
The fact that you were wearing an ass cape on national television is
not something I can allow to slide past my ultra-scrutinizing fashion radar.
A sincere thank you for the tremendous amount of schadenfreude,
Me
-----

The best part was, amidst the wave of booing,
you could clearly hear one guy yelling "you suck!".
Sir, you are a True American Hero.