Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Thesis: Madonna is Batshit Insane.

I am going to let you know, right here and now, I've never been a Madonna fan. Save for 'Don't Tell Me', I'm not sure I've even listened to one of her songs all the way through. And there's been a lot of Madonna in the news recently, so I thought I'd discuss it because frankly I'm getting tired of posting eight thousand links to stories about Jessica Simpson and writing what amounts to one paragraph.
First, there was this. Madonna apparently wears the pants in the family, because she doesn't allow her kids to have ice cream or milk. So, okay, Madonna wants her kids to have frail, brittle bones. Fine. She also doesn't allow them to watch television, or read magazines. Although I'm sure she encourages them to watch Swept Away as often as possible.
Madonna dear, I know that television and magazines can mold a young mind quite easily, but if you would just exercize some parenting skills instead of being a goddamned disciplinarian, your children might be happier. You totally know Lourdes (and maybe Rocco, if he's allowed anywhere out of the site of Lord Madonna) is totally going over to her friends houses and watching tv, all "You know, my mom doesn't let me watch MTV." Lourdes' friend would be like, "Excuse me, what? Your mother was the star of that channel for like ten goddamn years. What a bitch!" and then they probably paint their nails or something.
Oh and it doesn't stop there. Not only does Madonna like to embarass her children around their peers by not allowing them the same luxaries as everyone else with a hundreth of her budget, she also has to embarass Lourdes in the worst way possible to embarass a girl: making her wear the same clothes to school two days in a row. That's just harsh.
Next, Madonna preaches to no discernible choir. We are all slaves to the "material world" and it'll be our undoing and we're going to hell for...wait, what? What?? Are we just supposed to abandon every bit of modern life and hike up to the mountains and live off of goats milk for the rest of our lives? Bitch, what do you want from us? You want us to get rid of material possessions, fine. But that includes all your records. Yes, even your new one.


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