Friday, March 04, 2005

Today: Tabloid Pictures Are Good For Something.

-Rosie O'Donnell is clearly so bored that she is turning to vapid cliches to celebrate her friends homecoming from jail. She bought Martha Stewart's favorite lemons, and wrote a note that said "when life gives you lemons, make lemonade." I'm sure Martha cannot wait to get back
-Britney Spears claims that all the unflattering pictures of her printed in magazines have inspired her to go on a diet. (Unfortunately we can't say the same for a wardrobe change, or more frequent showers). But who really believes she can give up the Cheetos and Red Bull?
-You know, that Debbie Rowe has a real heart of gold. She sells her uterus to Michael Jackson so he can have children to wrap in blankets and strange masks and dangle over balconys, and then she sells her wedding ring on eBay. Is she really that hard up for cash? Unfortunately we all know some crazed MJ fan is going to double mortgage their house, sell their car and their children just so they can own something Michael once touched.
-Have you seen these pictures? Because boy, let me tell you, I foresee the "double ponytail" as the next big fashion statement. Sort of like that whole asymmetrical bangs thing. Paired with the classy marjiuana track jacket and the "I stole this off of a dead hooker" color lipstick, Britney is totally ushering in a new era of fashion.
-I was unaware there would even be a market for this, but nonetheless, clearly someone wants a Rupaul doll.
-Pictures from Cher's farewell tour in Siberia.
-Duff: " I'm totally holding this for a friend!" Would that friend be...Lindsay Lohan??
-Johnny Knoxville is getting pissed that he's in the middle of so many rumors at once. He denies that he and Jessica Simpson were getting it on while filming Dukes of Hazzard. Because obviously, he was busy having sex with Lindsay Lohan that whole time. I mean, a man can only be so many places at once.
-Britney Spears' latest Stream of Conciousness, aka "my publicist does not edit this part". Kaballah has "helped [her] get rid of a lot of negative influences". Like taking showers?


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